Her exact words

"All flights are completely booked"

Oh good, I'm so glad I just hate checked my baby's car seat so I can hold her on my lap for the entire flight while I stare at these two seats across the aisle from me. 

Especially that the stewardess just told me I need to take my sleeping baby out of the wrap for takeoff. "For safety purposes."  Oh the irony. 

This trip isn't even over yet and I am soooo done. I may never travel again. 

A few days early...

Merry Christmas! 

The day I threw away my engagement ring

Thursday was honey's office Christmas party. Not the fancy dinner one, just the potluck party at the office where everyone hangs out and makes gingerbread houses out of graham crackers. 

I had surprise house guests come in the night before (WOOHOO Rebekah stork and company!) ao I was hanging out with them Thursday morning. And there was a pancake breakfast at Abigail's school that morning that honey took Abigail too. So that worked out great that I didn't have to take her. Anyway, all of this is to say that my morning was not typical at all. 

So I said goodbye to my wonderful guests and then Brady and Elizabeth and I picked up Abigail from school and went straight to honey's work. We had a blast eating food and candy and watching everyone give their final secret Santa gifts and hanging out. Finally the party started dying down and I took Elizabeth to honey's office to feed her. While I was in there I was all, where'd I leave my phone? Oh well, no big deal, I'm sure it's in the conference room or by my purse or something. And then two seconds later I happened to look at my hand and notice that my ring finger only had on my wedding band. NOT the engagement ring with diamonds. I immediately stopped feeding Elizabeth and went to the conference room to search the floors. Everything in there was already cleaned up and I told honey my ring was missing. He was all "well it's not in here, I already checked everything super well to make sure there was no candy or crumbs left behind. So we thought "well my morning was really atypical, maybe I only put on my wedding band and just didn't notice. I frequently don't wear my rings. I remembered that Sharon took a picture of Elizabeth's skinny jeans so I ran to her office and had her zoom in on the picture. I was wearing both rings in that picture. WHAT THE HECK DID I DO AFTER THAT?!?! Then I remembered that I washed my hands after is changed Elizabeth's diaper. I hoped it didn't go down the sink but thought there was a pretty good chance it came off when I was drying my hands. I remembered specifically that I used a paper towel to dry my hands since I didn't see the hand towel. Julie started rummaging through a big trash can while I started rummaging through a small one on the other side. Then I remembered that I definitely threw it away in that big trash can because I'd made a joke about the guy that throwaway his gingerbread house immediately after giving up. ; )  At that, Julie spread out the disposable table cloth and dumped out the entire contents of the large trash can and we started sorting through it, specifically unwrapping all the paper towels. It only took a minute before I saw my ring laying there on the edge of the table cloth/pile of trash. Hallelujah!!! I shouted that I found it and put it right on my finger. Julie went directly to wash her hands and then laughed when she saw that I didn't even wash my hands or my ring before reuniting the two. Nope. No way! I have a feeling I'll be wearing my ring even more infrequently now. That will have me scared for a while to come. ; ) 

Love/hate giving gifts

i really hate giving gifts (or really anything for that matter).  it knocks at all my insecurities and it just defies logic.  like "why am i guessing at a $10 gift for you so you can guess at a $10 gift for me?  why don't we just each spend $10 on ourselves and know that we're getting exactly what we want?!  i know that's not as fun, but as i said, LOGIC.  also, i hate trying to guess what someone likes.  or what they already have.  or what they might need.  it makes me so insecure.  what if they don't like dark chocolate?  what if they think milk chocolate is boring? what if they are just into fruity candy or are on a health kick and don't want sweets in the house?  even if it's not a formal present, my insecurities are still there.  what if someone doesn't like the cookies i made?  or what if they don't don't like whatever thing i'm getting rid of and are just trying not to offend me about it?  i don't want to put someone in an awkward spot.

so through all of that... the weird thing is that i love getting stuff from other people.  i love people's hand me downs especially.  i know i could probably buy it myself and i appreciate that someone else has saved me that time and effort... but really i love the happy thoughts that things invoke when i see them.

today was a snow day.  we spent the day in our pj's watching christmas movies and hanging out.  honey came home from work early and took the kids sledding out back.  he asked me to watch from the kitchen so i could come get brady when he decided he was done.  so i smiled and giggled as i watched the three of them.  it was perfect.

and as i watched them, i saw the sleds my dad got for us when he was visiting one time.

i saw abigail's pink snow pants from her cousin that my sister gave to us.

i saw the hats and gloves from klaudette.  without the gloves, the kids wouldn't have been able to go sledding at all.

and i saw my honey, always giving of his time.  coming home early and braving the 18* snowy, windy weather.

i may be the worst gift giver on the planet... but i do have a grateful heart.

Sunday successes!

Today was wonderful. I went to sleep around 3am, but didn't wake up at all until 8. And I woke up next to Brady which is always pretty cute because he comes in after daylight and snuggles up to me to get another hour or two of sleep. 

I woke up to the sound of Elizabeth and fed her and put her back in her crib. Honey came home and we hung out while he made/ate eggs and I put chicken in the crock pot. 

I got ready for church and left for choir practice while honey bathed and fed the kids and got them ready. I was on time/early for choir practice at 10:20 and hung out with Shannon and Rebecca while we practiced. And I convinced Katherine to sit next to me for the Christmas program so I could listen to her sing and I would be a stronger singer as a result of hearing her sing out part. I'm semi obsessed with Katherine. She's incredible for a million reasons, but today I admired her part in playing prelude music on the organ, the regular hymns on the organ, singing in a duet, singing in the regular choir, singing in the double quartet, playing the piano accompaniment for another song, and then doing the organ again for the closing song that was with the choir, congregation, and the piano as well. I just kept watching her feet. She knows how to do all the organ songs with her feet! It's insane to watch! She also homeschools her kids and composed her own music, but nbd. I wish I was better friends with her. I'll make that one of my 2016 goals. ; ) 

Anyway, the Christmas program was fantastic, especially joy to the world with everyone and the organ and piano. 

Second hour, I ended up talking to Farah in the hallway after I changed Elizabeth's diaper. It started as a chat about visiting teaching changes but then turned into a real heart to heart about motherhood. I'm so greatful for that conversation we had. 

Third hour RS was nice even though Elizabeth was still awake. She's such a trooper. I finally fed her and put her to bed around 2:30, but I didn't swaddled her and she woke up 30 minutes later. But I left her in her crib with a binky forever and it didn't even matter. I helped Abigail and Brady with random stuff and made teriyaki chicken and fried rice and stir fry veggies for dinner for bri and Kelsey and added some of honey's amazing brownies for dessert. I hope they liked it. I didn't have time to eat any today but I can't wait to eat it for lunch tomorrow. I was right on time to drop it by their house at 5 and visit for a bit before meeting honey and Abigail and Brady at the church for the 5:30 fireside on improving scripture study. Alexis was hilarious and I learned a lot. I got all the kids to bed while honey cleaned up the kitchen and great room. He has seriously been over the top helpful lately. Taking initiative in cleaning up and helping out around the house. Like he'll just do a bunch of dishes and clean the kitchen and run the dishwasher and then have it unloaded before I even know it. I appreciate it so much. 

I had some wonderful quiet moments to myself in Abigail's room after the kids drifted off and was still in time to snuggle honey before he fell asleep. It's been a great Sunday... Hopefully indicative of a super great week to come! Brady's birthday and celebrating Christmas and other stuff too!  Lots to look forward to! 

In other [very random] news... I'd like to move to Thomasville Georgia. I'm just working on convincing my honey. ; ) the house on lovers lane is calling my name. 

Our family picture

The Hilliers haven't all been in the same place at the same time during 2015 to take a family photo, so we're all doing our own and meshing them together in a collage. After church, we took our part. Honey set up our spot and a ladder (as our tripod) and I clicked our self timer button. Even though it was after church and the kids were all hungry and Elizabeth was crazy tired, everyone cooperated super well. It was the most painless family photo I can recall in a long time. I appreciated honey's positive attitude. Also, it put me in a good mood that we just so happened to come up on the spot with clothing options (the colors were red for girls, black for boys, and whatever for kids) and kid placement for the photo. Hallelujah for that. 

This is Elizabeth's sultry face. 

I've been having Emmy send updates from the farm. It kills me not to be there. I have a whole lotta love hate going on with the updates. I wish I was there. 

After choir practice, I walked out of the church and was blown away by this beautiful sunset. 

I should have just had Abigail do her homework and then taken the kids up for bed, but I suggested we play this little Book of Mormon chutes and ladders type game and I'm glad (I think) that I did. Abigail was so into it and Brady really liked it. And it made me think of my childhood and honey was doing a great job moving it all along. It was a sweet, sweet moment. 

I haven't even into Christmas at all this year. So it helps me to hang out by the tree and listen to Christmas music as often as I can. 

Doctor appointments and avs game

Papa

I'm not really ready to write about it yet, but just felt like I needed to mention it.  Papa passed away thanksgiving evening. My heart hurts and I try not to actually think about it. I won't lie, I'm still very much in denial and I think I will be for a while to come.  

I'm an empty shell

No paragraphs for you. 

Ugh. What is my deal?!  Today was a sad day for me. I've been having a hard time adjusting to normal life since I got back from Georgia. I know that a lot of times this is totally normal for me after trips. Because I thrive being around other people and it's hard to leave that. But this time, it's like I left my heart in Georgia and the only thing here in Colorado is an empty shell of myself. Thursday and Friday I was able to stay kinda busy with stuff like laundry or whatever, but I didn't have that drive that I frequently do to charge through things and get everything in order. I've had very little patience for my kids and especially their fighting. They each thrived on their own (chris and I were texting back and forth about how Abigail/Brady were so easy going and well behaved) and it's been hard to go back to them being best friends that can't get along. Abigail is back to her hitlerish nazi dictator act that she always has with Brady and barks orders and declares everyone around her "the meanest" when she doesn't get her way and Brady wants my attention all the time so I have guilt for wanting to check out and not spend any quality time with him. Elizabeth is perfect, as always, thank goodness... But I'm just too tired to do anything with her. Too often, I worry if she's going to go brain dead or if her muscles are going to whither away because I don't spend enough time stimulating her in any way. She sleeps all the time and then I make her laugh like crazy when I change her diapers or her clothes. Beyond that, she is too easily ignored... So, guilt. Also, as honey put it earlier today "our house is a pig sty! What happened?!?!  I had this place spic and span when you came home!"  It's true. I gave up and stopped doing dishes and putting away stuff from our trip and I haven't asked the kids to clean up anything and really I've just wanted to lay in bed as much as possible. I don't know exactly why. I have guesses, but I still think I'm pathetic for feeling so affected. I'm sad that I'm not in Georgia with my family. And I'm feeling my normal guilt that I'm the reason for every bad choice and imperfection I see in my kids. But also, my brain feels clouded. My heart aches for grandmother. I can't get my mind off her (not like I want to) and I just think so myself how helpless I am to get and how far away I am. I worry about the future and how things will play out. Also, I don't know that I've really expressed this out loud before, but as much as I love the beautiful example of granny and papa's marriage... It's discouraging to me that my marriage will never live up to that. I know I'm ridiculous but I can't help it. I'm getting so overwhelmed and distracted and frustrated. Today I had my husband and two kids next to me in bed and everyone was being crazy and I had a headache and it seriously took everything in me not to smack them all and kick them out of my room. Instead I pride myself from that tangle of bodies and took a breather in the kitchen, but seriously... It was frustrating. It still is. I spent most of the morning in bed looking at cheap car seats and boosters online that will be somewhat easy to bring with us to panama instead of our giant car seats. Thank goodness for Christopher taking Brady with him and doing our grocery shopping since we were out of milk but I couldn't even face the thought of a full grocery shopping trip. I think my honey knows I'm not feeling my best emotionally right now. After the kids were in bed and I was holding sleeping Elizabeth forever (because that truly always helps me feel better), he cleaned up downstairs. When I walked down, I noticed that the great room was clean... And the dishes were all done... And the groceries were all out away... And the counter clutter was tidied up. I don't think I was a nice or fun person to be around today, but somehow he just kept giving. Abigail took an hour of tears (about every item of clothing I suggested) to get dressed. Honey brought up that that never happened while he was taking care of her and it must be something in my strategy. I explained to him that his strategy works if you only have one kid... But I have three. I told him maybe we should think about giving away two of our children and not making any more. He went upstairs to help abigail while brady and I got in the car. See? Just kept on giving. I took Abigail and Brady to "yes virginia, there is a Santa Claus"! with Klaudette and Hallie (Kelsey had her baby this morning!) and it was ehhhh (basically just an elaborate dance recital), but honey and Elizabeth joined us after for dinner at August moon and it really helped my mood. Really it was just a headache brain fog sort of day and I'm hoping tomorrow is better. I'm hoping the days get better as time passes... But right now I'm either actively doing something and  hanging out with people... or I'm just depressed and only want to lay in bed. Someone just reassure me that granny will be okay. I just want her to be happy. 

During dinner, I bribed the kids with pennies. I set out three pennies and told the kids that whoever was being a good listener during dinner would get to toss a penny in the water. This was big motivation for them and after we fibished, they each took their penny over to the fountain. Hallie threw hers in immediately. Brady tossed his in a little later. And Abigail chucked hers as hard as she could, hoping to get it inside of the fish's mouth. 

See those people sitting at the table in the right corner of the photo? Well Abigail's penny flew over the fish and right to their table. We all had a good laugh. Then we repositioned Abigail (as you can see below), so she could try again, but with no one in her line of fire. That girl. It's always something. 

Christmas fun

Elizabeth is great. She slept all night and didn't wake up til 7. But I was exhausted from dealing with Brady all night so I fed her and put her back to bed and she slept until 11:30. The girl is a gem. 

I had a rough time with my kids today. Not my baby, because she is perfection, but my older kids. I was annoyed with Brady for having so much energy and being so whiny after being up so much during the night and with Abigail for being so distracted and not getting ready for school. At least I got a shower this morning because when I got Abigail from school, she was on one (as usual) and hit Brady twice and was throwing bit fits. I put Elizabeth down for a nap, put out applesauce and turkey sandwiches for Abigail and Brady to eat for lunch, and I got myself to bed for a nap. A long nap. Thank goodness for that. They made a huge mess but it was worth it. 

I called and talked to granny while I watched Abigail and Brady dance in front of the Christmas tree to Christmas music. It was the highlight of my day. 

Our Christmas party tonight was really nice. The food was excellent and the music and songs were wonderful. Our nonmember friends came and Abigail loved playing with their daughter, Alex. On the way home though, she asked why the party wasn't fun. Ha. At least the rest of us enjoyed it. 

When we got home, chris took the kids inside and Elizabeth and I went to shaylee's for a Christmas themed girls night. We got there an hour late because it started at 7:30, but it didn't wind down til midnight so there was plenty of fun to be had. But thank goodness for that nap earlier. 

I'm out of milk because I hate grocery shopping now and am procrastinating it. First thing tomorrow, I gotta suck it up and make it happen. I neeeeed to figure out my grocery shopping plan going forward. 

Our Christmas plans

On the way to school today, Abigail informed Brady and me that we would be going to Panda Express for Christmas. Thinking it was a school fundraiser spirit night or something coming up, I asked who she heard that from.  

"I don't know. I just know it."  

Ohhh. Then some realization set in. 

"Abigail? Are we taking a trip there on an airplane?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I think you mean panama."