check it out... I'm blogging!

I was talking to my friend Bri at the 3rd grade program Thursday evening about how I never get bored because my mind has a constant dialogue running at all times.  so then we started talking about how that's not the case for everyone and I never knew that til a few years ago when I asked Christopher a question and his response led to a conversation about how he's actually capable of being able to think of nothing.  I've never thought of nothing before so that's just such a foreign concept for me.  so I was telling Bri how I used to blog and it really was just me sitting down and typing the dialogue for 20 or 30 minutes just letting my fingers type whatever happened to be running through my mind.  something made me think of that a few minutes ago so I thought maybe I'd start doing that sometimes again.  probably safe to do since no one reads my blog anymore and I can truly type into the void! 

anyway, life is good.  today is the first snow of the season.  it's October 28th.  I checked my journal and apparently the first snow of the season last year was on October 27th.  some years its crazy late or crazy early so it's nice to be consistent two years in a row. 

last night, honey was putting Elizabeth to bed (he's been her bedtime person for a number of months now) and they were watching a music video of some church song (part of their bedtime routine).  everything was fine until Elizabeth ran into Tyler's room SCREAMING bloody murder.  Tyler and I were half a sentence away from finishing llama llama nighty night (his favorite book right now) and I could NOT figure out what was going on.  a few seconds later, honey came in the room and explained that the video had pictured a woman that had fallen on hard times and became homeless.  this was enough to send Elizabeth into a tail spin panic attack about fearing growing up and being homeless as an adult.  I put Tyler in his bed and had honey put Andrew to bed so I could be with Elizabeth.  I mostly just listened while she talked my ear off for 2 straight hours.  I already knew she had a lot of anxiety, but I think I definitely underestimated just how much.  so many fears and concerns. it was just me listening and then talking only enough to assure her that she will never be poor, I will always be her mom, she will have family to take care of her if Chris and I both die and that I will also be there to counsel her on finding a good husband so she can be a stay at home mom.  anyway, I would never wish that anxiety on my kid, but I will say that it ended up being a very tender experience for us and we were able to have a number of really good gospel conversations sprinkled throughout the two hours.  

Tyler is such a fun kid.  he loves walks but will whine if you don't take him on busy roads with a lot of cars for him to watch.  cars are his main interest right now and he loves anyone that will play cars with him.  he's also super into toilets and has been for quite a long time.  after I change his poopy diaper, he runs to the potty to watch me plop his poop in.  then he flushes the potty and waves bye bye to the poop.  we went through a phase for a while where he was just constantly flushing toilets around the house and Chris and I were yelling at him to not waste water.  in the llama llama book, he sits and listens so nicely to the whole thing expect on the page where it says "pjs on, then potty time" which is when he points and exclaims "potty!" and I love it every single time.  which is every single time we read that book.  

Tyler is also talking a lot more now. after our fall break trip to Florida to spend time with Chris's parents, he's picked up grandma and grandpa which both just sound like "pa" and he says the kids' names when we show him pictures of them. he says Andrew's name the best, then Brady.  the girls' names are still tricky for him but he does try.  he's also insanely good at communicating with such limited vocabulary and comprehending instruction and ideas.  he is so helpful and good at following directions like getting a diaper and wipes or throwing away a dirty diaper or putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket.  

Brady is doing ice hockey again but is playing center this year instead of defense like he did last season.  he scored the first goal of the season but hasn't scored since.  he doesn't play in any of the Sunday games so he's there for less than half of them.  thankfully, he's a really good sport about it.  he's also traded his rubiks cube obsession for yo-yo-ing.  he is doing choir again this year and is also on the student lighthouse committee again (student leadership of the school... they help organize things going on at the school, lead assemblies, give tours around the school to prospective families, and everything else in that realm) doing video announcements. 

Abigail is doing really well.  she decided not to do theater this semester (is considering doing the spring musical) but has gotten involved in our local library instead.  she's on the teen leadership council that organizes and executes extra activities around the library.  their most recent activity was a stuffed animal sleepover and Abigail's favorite part was helping to pose and photograph the stuffed animals all around the empty library.  they played a slideshow of the stuffed animal shenanigans during the craft the kids did the following morning when they came to pick up their stuffed animals.  she also applied and got accepted to be a "big reading buddy" at the library and was super excited to be old enough for that now (you have to be a teenager to apply).  so one hour a week, she does reading and learning/creative activities with her little reading buddy and she loves it.  she was a little reading buddy when she was in first grade and has such fond memories of it and wants to be able to do that same thing for another little girl.  

Andrew is a little reading buddy (so is Elizabeth actually... it's open for 1st - 3rd graders) but has only been once so far.  he's also already gotten strep this year so that's exciting.  he's still the most happy and energetic boy you've ever met and he's everyone's favorite kid.  I always have friends or people I know stopping me to tell me how happy he is and how special he makes them feel.  Andrew's biggest personality con is that he doesn't really love movies or tv and he hates how it captivates the rest of the family.  so when I'd like to just put on a movie for the kids, it frequently turn into Andrew crying or complaining that now he has no one to play with anymore and can I please play a game with him.  

I love volunteering at the kids' school and taking Brady to his hockey practices.  my other favorite things is going on walks with Tyler and listening to an audiobook or talking to Christopher when he's available to come with us.  Christopher has been helping so much around the house and with the kids.  it is such a huge help that he takes Abigail to school in the mornings (that part isn't new though... he's always been Abigail's morning person since she started middle school) and just being present in the evenings so I'm not spread so thin during the busiest time of day.  

we all went to Florida for fall break and it was really great. instead of focusing a lot on getting as much beach time as possible, we just let it go slow and did whatever we felt like. I enjoyed puzzles a lot.  Brady, Andrew, Christopher, and his dad went on a fishing trip one day.  we went mini golfing one night and out to eat two nights.  we had several movie nights and lots of yummy treats.

so, there we go... my second post of 2023!  I'm off to get ready for our trunk or treat.  

happy halloween!

Checking in

Life is in such a good spot right now, I just wanted to check in and record a bit.

Abigail - I almost have a teenager and I am so freaking excited.  Abigail is doing so so well.  She is so polite and easy going.  She has friends and good grades (even though she literally never does homework at home… I’m still trying to figure that part out) and takes care of herself and her responsibilities.  She’s been part of the set and props crew for her middle school play, Newsies, went to Disney with her middle school orchestra over spring break last month, and loves being involved at church and young womens.  She is still an avid reader (Harry Potter is her favorite… she read it in just weeks in the fall) and loves legos (Christmas was 98% Harry Potter lego sets).  She is so low maintenance as she spends a lot of downtime in her room and doesn’t make messes or require a lot of our family or home.  She’s also my least picky eater so you better believe I love that.  

Brady - he’s 10 and, because of his December birthday, has less than a year until he’s in young mens! Blows my mind.  He is my biggest helper with Tyler and loves him so much.  He’s a willing and able babysitter and can handle a fussy baby and poopy diapers.  Sometimes (well, always) I’m running late for church and Brady comes to me and says “what can I do?” and then gets Tyler a clean diaper, dressed for church, buckled in his carseat, and feeds him a banana on the way to church.  Sometimes, after he’s buckled in the car and I’m taking too long, he comes back inside to see what I need help with and offers to help carry stuff out to the car for me.  Not like he never has an attitude, but he is a great mother’s helper.  For better and worse, he’s also very present at home.  So great because he’s always talking to me and sharing stories, but also wants my constant attention and for me to play hockey with him in the basement.  He’s typically a good sport though if I’m busy and will help me make dinner when I’m unable to drop everything and play.  He finished up his first season of hockey and really developed into a great defensive player.  He’s doing 12U inline hockey right now at the field house and really enjoying it. He has a lot of good friends and is so confident and an all around good kid. He’s been really into rubiks cubes since December and started a cubing club (with two of his friends) where they teach cubing each Monday morning before school.  It was initially open to the first ten kids, but everyone signed up on the first day and there are about 25 kids that regularly come.  He has so many interests and loves a good challenge.  After bribing him ($5 per book), he’s on book six of the Harry Potter audiobooks and loving it. 

Elizabeth - this girl is growing up SO fast.  She is super into fashion and style.  Makeup, jewelry, clothes, hair, shoes, you name it.  She keeps asking when she’ll be old enough to wear heels and regularly asks me to help her pick out a cute outfit or do her hair in a certain style.  Abigail is the exact opposite so this is really new and fun for me.  When I was trying to get Brady to read Harry Potter and he was resisting, Elizabeth was BEGGING me to let her get into it.  In a fit of exasperation, I conceded and she devoured the first audiobook in less than 24 hours.  She completed all seven books in two-is months I think and has gone back to relisten to several of them even.  She and Abigail are currently making their way through the movies. Elizabeth has tons of friends and loves to get together for playdates and facetimes them on my phone.  At school, she loves writing the most.  She’s working on a book right now called Dragon Diaries (modeled after owl diaries and unicorn diaries) that I type up and print for her when she’s finished a chapter.  She went from barely reading, at the beginning of the school year, to now being a huge reader, currently into heavily illustrated chapter books (like diary of a pug) and audiobooks. 

Andrew - this kid is so freaking cute.  He is kind and considerate and sensitive.  He’s also turning into such a great helper and following in Brady’s footsteps of loving a challenge and loving to be of assistance.  He had fluid in his ears since august when he first got sick after starting school… repeated ear infections and strep and very noticeable hearing loss for over six months.  He finally got ear tubes (and an adenoidectomy) at the end of March and was a complete rockstar about it.  Doctors and nurses repeatedly told me it was extremely common for kids to be crying and screaming and angry and out of control when they came out of surgery, but I knew that wouldn’t be Andrew.  As predicted, he was so sweet and calm and sleepy and just kept asking when he could put on his shirt and go home.  I thought he would need a few days to rest and recover but, after an hour or two, he was back to his normal self and even insisted on going to hockey practice that afternoon. He’s only five, but we got him special permission to play inline hockey in the 8U league.  He told me he didn’t want to play “shoe hockey” (kinder floor hockey for 4 and 5 year olds) so he chose soccer.  Then I found out about getting special permission (he’s a great skater) and now he’s doing both.  He has such confidence and is SUCH a happy kid.  He is a puppy, personified. 

Tyler - he’s so young that he’s always changing so, so fast.  He was still doing his one legged crawl at 17 months but became a full time walker right before 18 months.  He still doesn’t talk, but he has excellent comprehension and is very obedient and wanting to please.  He signs please and more and all done, but not without prompting and he’s surprisingly good at communicating without words.  His spontaneous games of peek-a-boo are so fun and he’ll sometimes make funny faces repeatedly because he loves how it makes us laugh.  He absolutely loves playing hockey, by himself, with a family member, with all of us in the basement, or wandering around on his own at the field house.  It is absolutely adorable and I love it so much.  I can’t wait to have another hockey player in the family.  Along those lines, he also has shown an interest in golf (they’re very similar for him at this age) but also loves other sports.  When sports are on tv, he will plop himself down in front of the tv and be so intent on whatever game is on.  If we switch to a sitcom, he becomes agitated and restless, but gets calm again when we turn it back to sports.  Blows my mind that he has such obvious preferences at this age.  He is so so so so so by far my pickiest eater at this stage (getting him to eat has always been a struggle) and survives off of bananas, applesauce pouches, and peanut butter sandwiches.  He doesn’t love eating so it’s always a frustrating experience for me as I often make food just to have him reject all of it.  Thankfully, he’s an excellent sleeper.  He’s going through a growth spurt I think and he’s for sure a little under the weather, but his sleeping in til 9-10 has, within the last week or so, turned into sleeping in til 3-4pm.  I watch him on his monitor as he wakes up at a normal time, plays and hangs out in his crib for a while, and then puts himself to sleep for an afternoon nap.  It’s honestly insane to me but I’m a firm believer in giving kids sleep when they’re showing signs that they need it.  Also, it’ll probably pass before I know it.  So, we’ve been skipping napping and he just has one wake time (5-6 hours) before he goes down again for the night.  This would be sad for me except that he is so high maintenance when he’s awake and wants to be held constantly.  I think he’s actually a pretty easy going kid when I’m not around, but as soon as he sees me, he is fussing for me to hold him and then constantly fussing and pointed all around as we chase a want that he hasn’t even actually identified.  I’m hoping this will get better as the weather warms up and we’re outside more where he’ll be more eager to explore.  My favorite thing with him is going on long stroller walks around the neighborhood… it’s such a peaceful time for us.  He’s still nursing, just once or twice a day, briefly.  We’ll see how long it lasts, but as of right now, I have no plans to cut him off before he says he’s done.  He’s such a blessing in our lives and has changed our family dynamic in such a great way… like getting a dog.  Playing with him and caring for him is just such a bonding thing for our entire family and the kids have really stepped up about that too.  Such a different experience than when all of the other kids were babies.  

Our family - so that’s the report.  Life is definitely busy with all the playdates and theater and hockey and everything that comes with five kids, but I feel like we’re just in this special sweet spot right now before Abigail goes to high school and while Tyler still feels like a baby.  Chris has been amazing about stepping up and helping me with all the rides and childcare and everything that come with everyone’s conflicting schedules and I feel like that has made a huge difference for me in making things enjoyable and manageable instead of just surviving the grind.  I still fill out the four year daily journal dad gave me and I can honestly say that, a year ago, I would never have expected to be in such a great spot right now.  Not sure where we’ll be in April 2024, but I’m grateful right now for this moment in time.

from September

Heaven on earth

 After school, we met up with Elizabeth and Brady’s friends at the neighborhood playground and stayed until it got too chilly. We got home around 5:45 and my honey came home around 6.  We hung out a bit in the kitchen and then he went on a run while the rest of us did dinner. Elizabeth and Andrew colored and hung out at the table. Tyler was in his high chair. Abigail and Brady alternated feeding Tyler and helping me chop onions and potatoes or stir things. We made a potato chowder in the instant pot. Everyone got along. We played songs on Alexa from strive to be. There was peace and harmony. My honey came home and joined us. We all sat down and ate dinner together. No one complained about their food (Andrew had leftover Mac and cheese because he knew he didn’t like this meal) and everyone cleaned up their spot. Kids laughed and goofed around while they got ready for bed. My honey cleaned up the kitchen. I got Tyler ready for bed and put him to sleep. I wasn’t grumpy even though we were running an hour behind schedule. Elizabeth and I read owl diaries in her bed while Abigail, Brady, and Andrew gathered on the sofa with my honey to watch the avalanche season opener. Elizabeth fell asleep quickly and I read while I sat next to her in her bed. 

It was bliss. 

The kids all hanging out and helping in the kitchen tonight was one of the most magical moments I’ve ever experienced. I had to write it down just out of sheer gratitude. This is what I imagine heaven to be like except instead of the rare unicorn this was, it’ll be “just another day in paradise.”  

My heart is so full. 

Elizabeth’s Primary talk

My talk is on kindness. 

In the scriptures, Ruth was kind to Naomi, even when it was really hard. 

In my family, sometimes it is also really hard to be kind. 

This week, my little brother brought goldfish into my room. 

I was really upset because I didn’t want anyone eating food in my room. 

Even though I was angry, I took deep breaths and asked him nicely to take the goldfish to the kitchen and then come back up to play. 

It was hard for me, but I am happy I chose to be kind like Ruth. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

pregnancy for child #5

1.10.21

Well I’m shocked to be writing this… 

I’m pregnant.

After we had Andrew, I wasn’t excited about having a 5th kid, even though that was always our plan.  I was just feeling so absolutely low and overwhelmed and discouraged about motherhood.  After I quit nursing Andrew, for a few months, Chris and I purposely prevented pregnancy… and then we went to actively trying to get pregnant.  I don’t get pregnant easily.  Getting pregnant with Andrew so fast was an absolute lucky fluke.  So, we tried and tried and weren’t getting pregnant.  Then we just didn’t try and didn’t prevent and still didn’t get pregnant.  Around this time, I was getting very concerned about the potential age gap between Andrew and a younger child.  I mean, this was the first time I’d ever had my youngest turn two without already being pregnant with another kid.  And then, somehow, my youngest turned three and I still wasn’t pregnant.  Once we hit the point where Andrew was 3 and 3 months (where an age gap would be 4 years… my age gap with Walter), I quickly lost motivation and convinced myself it would be good for us to call it quits at 4. I even talked to Christopher sometime in November I think and said “doesn’t it just finally feel like maybe it’s just time for us to be done?” He was kind of sad, but totally agreed.  I mean, Andrew is an active little boy but I feel like he’s pretty mature for his age.  It just feels like we’re totally out of that baby stage.  In December, I started thinking to myself… I need to talk to Christopher sometime about our pregnancy prevention plan.  In Florida, at the end of December, I was thinking I was late (although I’m not super consistent so it’s not like it was 100%… but I was suspecting something might be up.  Especially the last day there, I remember a moment where I thought, "I really need to talk to honey…uhh, if I’m not already pregnant.” We flew home on Thursday the 7th. Going to the bathroom before we got in the car to leave for the airport, I just knew I would have to take a pregnancy test when we got home from our trip. At the airport, we were walking to the gate and I texted Lisa about it.  I asked if she would be available around midnight to offer me emotional support.  At home, I was immediately busy getting kids to bed, but then also looking at the flooring/baseboad/paint progress in our kitchen. When I needed to pee, I thought, “I never took a test!” Christopher was already asleep so I knew I was safe (I really didn’t want to bring him into this if there was nothing actually going on). I prayed for peace as I carried a test into the bathroom.  As the liquid moved across, I thought, “what?! Is that a line?! Oh, yeah, not a line… just the pee moving across. Oh wait, um yes, there’s a line.  Oh wow, two lines. OH. MY. GOSH. Seriously?!?!” And then I sat there for a long time not really believing it.  And chuckling a little.  And also asking Heavenly Father “do you seriously trust me with another one?!?!” And just more disbelief and wow wow wow oh my gosh.  I left the bathroom to take a picture with my phone and when I picked it up… there was my text from Lisa from 7 minutes prior.  She must have texted me at the exact moment I was taking the test.  Crazy.  But not surprising.  I am SO thankful she was there when I needed her.  I mean, I felt calm, but I also tried not to really think about the implications of this because, while it may be worth it, I can forecast a lot of challenges.  Did Heavenly Father know we were going to call it quits and he just needed to get his foot in the door before it was too late? Right now, it’s Sunday night and I’m coming up on 72 hours of knowing (also, SUCH a huge mind trip that I was pregnant for so long with no idea!) and I’m marveling at how differently I feel right now than all previous pregnancies where I was absolutely consumed with fear of miscarriage.  I don’t have that right now.  Because my heart had already come to peace with just the four kids.  Also, I’m a little bit like “okay! I realize I have zero control over this situation” because all along, my biggest thing was not having an age gap between my last two children… and here we are.  So, this age gap will be just a few weeks different than my age gap with buddy. I only saw Christopher for a minute on Friday morning (he was running late and stressed about it) so I didn’t tell him til later that night. He still seemed stressed after work so I gave him some space but then told him when he was about to leave on his run.  I said “hey, wanna see something crazy?” As I pulled a folded cardboard paper from my closet shelf.  I opened it up and let him see the two positive pregnancy tests.  I’m sure his thoughts and emotions were just like mine.  He said he needed some time to think about it and wrap his head around it.  Man, you and me both. Side note… I’m sure I’m crazy for it, because six kids is no joke, but I’m kinda hoping for twins so I don’t have one lone youngest kid. I mean, I realize I could just have another kid quickly after, but my track record isn’t good and I don’t want to be pregnant when I’m 42. 

6 weeks

How far along:   6 weeks  (1.12.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117

Maternity clothes:  No. Just the same stuff I always wear.

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  i've had some vivid dreams.  and some of those times when i know i'm sleeping but it feels like i'm awake.  i call this "airplane sleep" because it's about the same feeling and quality that i get when i try to sleep on a plane.  i've also had trouble sleeping if i wake up early in the morning.  it's like christmas day and i'm just anxious and excited and can't go back to sleep.

Best moment this week:  fumm, finding out? I don’t know. It’s such a whirlwind. Also, it’s incredible that I don’t feel pregnant at all… I mean, I know it’s still early, but I’ll take every second of normality I can get!  

Movement:  it's a long way off.  

Food cravings:  so far, everything seems normal!

Symptoms: acne. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches, lack of appetite, and other things like that… but so far, nothing has been amplified. 

Gender:  I have given this very little thought. Not sure I have a preference with this.

What I miss:  feeling like I had even a tiny bit of a grip on my life.  Turns out, I’m 35 and still flying by the seat of my pants.

Milestones:  i got a positive pregnancy test!  That’s a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy, right?!
Theme: the week of trying to not think about it, but also wrap my head around it.
What's different this time around:  with abigail, i felt sick instantly at 4 weeks, 3 days.  with brady, i felt 100% fine until 6 weeks.  This is like Brady… I feel totally fine and normal. Like I can even periodically forget I’m pregnant!

Extra:  I just can’t believe it.  I’m sure curious what my future is going to look like.  Where’s a magic 8 ball when I need it? 

11 weeks

How far along:   11 weeks  (2.19.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117

Maternity clothes:  No. Just the same stuff I always wear. But I wear leggings and joggers a lot because I don’t go anywhere. 

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night. 

Best moment this week:  I don’t know. Nothing stands out to me. 

Movement:   Nope. 

Food cravings:  so the last month has been tricky with food but I think it’s getting better. I basically just eat whatever I think I can handle. This morning it was Doritos at 9:30... which thinking about it right now makes me feel sick. 

Symptoms: acne, nausea, lack of appetite, fatigue, constant headache. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches, 

Gender:  no idea, but I’ve been hoping for a boy. Because Andrew is a boy and will be this kid’s closest sibling. 

What I miss:  feeling any sort of motivation or regular happiness. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time  like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house. 

Milestones:  i don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve felt so much better the last few days that I’m hoping the worst of the morning sickness is behind me. I mean, I’m still throwing up about twice a week, but I’m not feeling like I have a stomach bug and my food aversions seem to be lessening. 
Theme: the week of realizing that my lack of doing anything is more related to apathy than sickness. 
What's different this time around:  I don’t know and don’t have any motivation to look it up. Just taking each day one at a time. I think the most noticeable thing is just that I’m less excited for this pregnancy than the others. I’m so over it. I realize that my 2007-2009 self would hate me for saying this, but honestly, I’ve done it four times and I think that makes it worse. I also know I’m going to be depressed (and already feel it coming on) and i can’t even explain the impending doom that feels like. Like watching a train wreck. So... again, one day at a time and I’m terribly ungrateful. 

Extra:  I should fill this in later... we’ll see. 

23 weeks

How far along:   23 weeks  (5.13.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 15 lbs if you count me starting this pregnancy at 115.

Maternity clothes:  I got out a few things maybe a month ago.  I wear all of my regular stuff for the most part, but if I want to look more put together, I’ll wear a maternity top instead of my usual jeans and t shirt. I’m still wearing all my normal pants, but some of them are pretty uncomfortable at the waist so my options will only continue to lessen.

Sleep:  not the best.  My dreams are out of control strange and stressful and I wake up each morning feeling exhausted.  

Best moment this week:  I had a good mother’s day! 

Movement:   So much. And contractions.  Contractions started at the end of the first trimester. I think official kicks and things started around 18 weeks? I think it was slightly later than a few other pregnancies.  I love feeling all the movement though… it’s so calming but entertaining. 

Food:  so much better than first trimester.  The last time I threw up was a few days before I had surgery (march 8) which was such a huge tender mercy that I never threw up post surgery. I think that was 13 weeks.  I still don’t love food, but I can manage just fine.  A lot of times, the idea of eating is much worse than actual eating, and if I just make myself get started, then I’m fine to continue. 

Symptoms: so many headaches.. most days I’m fine, and by afternoon or evening, I have a headache and just feel crappy and frequently sick to my stomach. Not like first trimester sick, but enough that I’m just done for the day. Depression. I feel like it partially came on gradually, but then also noticeably tanked around 20 weeks. So my anger and irritability has been only getting worse over the last month.  Crying spells have been only around once a week, so that’s good.  I upped my Zoloft dose from a half pill to a whole pill probably ten days ago. Still so hard to not get frustrated with my kids. I’ve even been getting offended by or frustrated with Christopher and that almost never happens. I have to frequently remind him “I’m mentally unstable right now and don’t you forget it.”  Because if I say something rude, I don’t want him to think that I truly mean it. The best thing I can do for all of this is to be direct, but calm with Christopher.  With the kids, the best thing is just to remove myself from the situation.  Hand things over to jess or to Chris and just sit in my bed and think about something else.  Over the last couple days, I’ve even been getting annoyed at Andrew when it’s just the two of us.  I’m not sure if he’s just extra needy or if it’s me being irritable… it just seems like he needs me or wants me to be there constantly. Today was better thankfully.

Gender:  Woohoo! It’s a boy!!! I’m so excited. The day following the ultrasound, I got out 8 bins of girl clothes and stuff and had jess take everything she wants. Out with it all.

What I miss:  feeling normal energy levels or regular happiness. I’ve felt a lot of days of “empty.” I’m the kind of person that never gets bored because my internal monologue just entertains me every second of the day.  So feeling so empty lately has felt so strange and terrible.  There’s nothing that I want to google or learn more about.  No one I want to talk to.  Nothing I want to do.  Nothing I want to eat (or if I do make myself eat some candy or chocolate or something, it’s just unfulfilling and it all feels blah).  And when I’m actually doing something, I’m brain is all “what’s the point? Why? This is so stupid.”  It all feels meaningless.  I hit a very low point Saturday before last.  Had some thoughts of Christopher needing to hire jess for more hours as well as find someone else to care for all of the kids after this baby is born.  I realized I wasn’t picturing myself in that life and that stopped me in my tracks.  It made me think of Andrew’s pregnancy when I told the therapist that I wasn’t suicidal because I didn’t want to kill myself… I just wanted to be unconscious/nonexistent/etc. and she told me those were still considered suicidal thoughts.  So that was good that I was able to call out that thinking and I’ve tried to be extra aware of it since then.

Milestones:  I’m large.  People I haven’t seen in a long time say hi and then alternate eye contact with me and my belly until I tell them I’m pregnant.  The beginning of pregnancy is long gone…we are firmly in the thick of it. 

Theme: the week of I don’t know… I’ve always hated this question. Five pregnancies and I don’t know how it’s still here.  
What's different this time around:  I think I’m still most closely following Elizabeth and Andrew’s pregnancies. Biggest difference is just that I care less.  I normally can’t remember exactly what week I am, but I can get within one or two of the correct answer.  I haven’t done any planning or thinking ahead.  I even keep thinking about stuff in the fall and forgetting to factor in that I’ll have a new baby.  I’m basically just knowing that things will continue to get harder and I’m waiting for time to pass. 

Extra:  I feel a little guilty I haven’t been doing this weekly like I did with every other pregnancy, but honestly, it is really similar to the others, it’s just my attitude that is different this time around.  Also, having jess.  Having jess has helped my mental state more than I can say.  Takes away so much guilt about housework/cooking/cleaning and, most importantly, gives me the freedom to walk away from situations where I feel my anger and frustration rising with the kids. This has prevented so many bad situations which prevents all of the guilt and crying that normally follow all those bad situations.  She is worth her weight in gold. 

37 weeks

How far along:   37 weeks  (8.20.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 21-23.5 lbs… it varies a lot.

Maternity clothes:  I have a few shirts that are long enough, my few maternity dresses, and my giant non-maternity jeans that I’ve been wearing this whole time.  I should get out my maternity skinnies to get me through these last few weeks.

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night. I’m at the point where my hips hurt from sleeping on my side. I go to the bathroom at some point every night.

Best moment this week:  maybe my “baby shower” favorite things party. Candice asked if she could throw me a shower and I asked if she could throw me a girls night instead. She is wonderful.

Movement:   Never ceasing movements. Just kidding… sometimes they stop, but holy cow are they interesting to feel. Also hiccups the last few weeks have been in different spots all around my belly. I’ve tried so hard to learn belly mapping but I’m 100% lost… I really feel like it should be easier than what it is.

Food cravings:  sometimes I really don’t want to eat, but most of the time I’m fine. I mean, I rarely love it, but I’m not struggling.  I drink a lot of milk and a fair amount of chocolate milk.  Jess made dinner and the pan roasted green beans and potatoes were to die for… I could not get enough.  I’ve also enjoyed airheads sour ribbons and bright crawlers this week.  And raisin bran. 

Symptoms: a lot of contractions.  I mean, I’ve been getting contractions since 12 or 13 weeks, but they’ve increased the whole pregnancy, and of course within the last two weeks. Bending over or changing positions (like getting up from sitting down) brings them on consistently. They don’t feel comfortable, but that’s honestly been the case for at least a month now.  Not painful, but definitely not comfortable. Also normal stuff like physical and mental fatigue, lack of motivation, some headaches and lack of appetite… just normal stuff.  I will say though that my skin has been so perfectly clear the last few months and that’s been amazing. I thought it was just during the 5 weeks we were in Atlanta, north Carolina, and South Carolina, but it’s stayed clear even since we got back.  I wouldn’t say I’m my usual self, but I don’t cry regularly or experience the extreme anger and depression and guilt and hate for my kids and myself that I did during Andrew’s pregnancy.  I 100% attribute this to jess. 

Gender:  so thankful for a boy. Just need to finalize a name...

What I miss:  feeling any sort of motivation. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time  like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house. Thank goodness for jess.  She has truly been the biggest lifesaver this pregnancy and having her help with kids and cooking and cleaning has 100% been the biggest game changer. I have done a really good job at letting go of the guilt and just letting myself be lazy this pregnancy. I take naps when I want and rarely do dishes or clean up after the kids or do their laundry. I delegate to jess what I can. I’m sure I could delegate more, but just the laundry and cooking and some cleaning makes a world of difference.  Still, it will be nice to be able to do more myself. 

Milestones:  I truly feel like my body is getting ready for labor. I can tell I’m in the home stretch.
Theme: the week of realizing that the clock is really ticking and my time is super limited. It kind of just feels like I should be pregnant forever and I forget that actually I’m going to have a newborn on my hands soon.
What's different this time around:  I don’t know. I think I’m doing way better with my depression. I think my body is handling everything the same as always. I haven’t been nesting or getting anything ready, which I think is how I was with the others too. I think the main different thing is that the doctor at my 35 week appointment told me that baby was breech. I’ve never had a doctor tell me that before this late in pregnancy. 

Extra:  I went to an appointment at 33 weeks and my doctor said I was measuring small (just a few weeks behind) and had only gained 19 lbs and should make a concerted effort to put on more weight. So that was my only concern from that appointment because she told me baby was head down and everything else looked good.  Well, at my 35 week appointment (with a doctor I’ve never met before), she said I was measuring perfectly and didn’t even mention my weight as being an issue (I had put on a few lbs) and I was breathing a wonderful sigh of relief and then it came crashing down when she said baby was breech and that if he didn’t flip, we would need to do a c-section at 39 weeks.  She said it all so quickly and casually and then noticed my shock and hesitation and made a comment about “oh, you’ve had four previous natural, vaginal deliveries?” and seemed to notice that this was really surprising and concerning for me.  She told me about an ECV, which I’d never heard of, and said she would schedule it for me.  She wanted to do the 20th (37 weeks exactly), but I didn’t want it to affect my mood at my baby party that night and I wanted baby to have a liiiiitle extra time to maybe flip on his own. So I requested the 23rd. Fingers crossed for that.  Best case scenario is that baby has flipped with some of my spinning babies/yoga positions and we can just show up and confirm he’s head down and then go home. Next best case would be that the flip goes easily and smoothly. I’m not looking forward to the procedure. It’s supposed to be pretty uncomfortable and it involves getting a drug to relax the uterus so it won’t contract and apparently the side effects of that drug are very not pleasant. Also, the success rate is only 50-60% and they have to do so much monitoring that it’s a multiple hour process. At least I can have Christopher with me the whole time. I would really really really like to avoid a c-section. I’ve spent my whole pregnancy looking forward to the labor and birth process and after having surgery at 13 weeks and experiencing that recovery from tiny incisions, it makes me really not want to experience major surgery and trying to care for a newborn while recovering from that. And I would be sad if I had a c-section for my last birth and never got to experience labor again.  All superficial but real feelings. I’m feeling pretty optimistic at this point, but mostly just because I think of myself as a very blessed and lucky person and I feel like things just normally go right for me. Hopefully this is one of those things. 

my Brady boy

Sunday picture time

every Sunday after church, I take a picture of the kids.  luckily, this day also included a few bonus shots before church.

Abigail is still working on looking at the camera and smiling... I'm confident she'll get there.

Grandma Maycock's pool party

my grandma (dad's mom) passed away before I even met Chris, but she was so amazing that I still want my husband and kids to know her.  today was her 107th birthday. to celebrate, we had a pool party (grandma LOVED to swim), got roadhouse to go, did jumping jacks for 107 seconds, sang happy birthday, ate ice cream, and learned about grandma (she loved swimming and dancing, was in the senior olympics and set world records, loved hosting fancy parties for her friends, was super into fitness... and discussed many of our family members named Mary, Skye, or Elise...abigail's and my middle name).  we had a blast.

cloud jams

this is a canvas we have hanging in Brady's room.  Andrew loves wearing these "cloud jams" and so Chris took a picture of him next to the canvas of Brady.  I laughed out loud when he texted it to me. 

I laughed out loud even louder when I got the picture of Brady next to Brady.

my honey.  sure knows how to get me.

Leo

a couple months ago, Andrew started telling us his name was Leo.  we still have no clue where this came from, but he loves the name Leo.  so when he got a barbie for Christmas, none of us were surprised when he named it Leo.  Leo has quickly become a beloved member of our family and gets lots of love and attention from Andrew (who will still many times answer that his name is Leo). 

and yes, Leo is almost always naked. Andrew can take his clothes off but isn't coordinated enough to put his clothes back on.  consequently, Leo sleeps in the nude and takes a lot of baths.

yogurt for Jill

this is my mom's yogurt recipe that she's been using since 2006. she always uses nido powdered milk.



in bowl, mix together 6 cups of water with 3 and 2/3 cups powdered milk. whisk well.

add a few ounces of yogurt... anywhere between 2 tablespoons and 6 ounces.  I don't measure it.

it's important to use yogurt where the only ingredients are milk and cultures.

whisk it all very, very well and pour into containers of your choice.

 in your instant pot, pour a cup of water and place the trivet on top. then put in your jars of yogurt.

I put a towel on top to help with the condensation because I don't have lids for my jars.

press yogurt and adjust the time up to at least 7 hours.  the longer you leave it, the thicker and tangier it'll be.  since it doesn't come to pressure (it's just like a crock pot for this), I set it for 9 hours and just choose to check on it periodically after the 7 hour mark. make sure it's at NORMAL... not less or more.

unlike instant pot pressure cooking settings, the timer counts UP so you know how many minutes/hours your yogurt has been in there.

when it's done, place your jars directly into the fridge.  when it's completely cooled and set, you can stir in a bit of sugar/vanilla. 

notes:

in the beginning, I heat 2-4 cups of water in the microwave and stir that in really well with the powdered milk (I feel like it's easier to mix when it's warm) and then stir in the rest of the water and yogurt... but maybe you don't spill as much as I do when I stir impatiently.

as soon as your yogurt is done and before you've sweetened it, go ahead and set some aside in a little container to use as your starter for next time so you never have to buy yogurt again.

I haven't done it, but you could just stir everything and make the yogurt directly in the instant pot.  that just doesn't appeal to me as much because then, after it cools, you have to scrape your thick yogurt out of the instant pot into containers for the fridge and that sounded like more work. 

it would probably be smart to start this at night and let it work its magic all night while you sleep, but I haven't tried that yet because I never seem to think about yogurt at night.

I'm sure it's probably cheaper to make yogurt with regular milk instead of using the powdered milk but cold start yogurt like this (where you don't boil it first) requires either shelf stable or powdered milk or ultra pasteurized milk (like the fair life brand).  If you want to do yogurt with regular milk, you need to do the traditional recipe where you boil it first (you have to kill off the bacteria in the milk by boiling it or else the milk bacteria will compete with the yogurt bacteria and it'll never get firm or set up) and wait for it to cool down before you add your yogurt starter.

four kids in a tiny room

Brady turned 7, so a month later I scheduled his well check... because that's how on top of it I am.  lucky for us all, Christopher had a church training so we all got to go to Brady's appointment together.  that was everyone's ideal way to spend a Saturday morning and all of our dreams were fulfilled.