a more serious post

i had a bad night last night and went to bed at 9:00.  and then i was still upset about it this morning so i slept in til 10:30 or so.  and i'm still upset.  anyone ever get in one of those sad/bad moods that you just can't seem to shake?  i mean, i know it's there.  it's painfully obvious.  but no matter how hard i try to combat it, it beats me.  it drives me nuts. 

poor honey.  he's trying so hard to help me feel better too.  wednesday night he came home from a meeting and brought be roses and three gallons of milk (we were out) and it was so sweet it made me cry.  go ahead and laugh but roses and milk are probably my two very favorite things to receive from my honey (aside from hugs and kisses, of course) and i was feeling so sad at the time that it was just perfect.  but then i went back to being sad.

i can only liken this to how i felt a year ago when i was in the first trimester of being pregnant with baby girl.  24/7 around the clock migraines, feeling STARVING, and crying at the very thought of eating food.  literally 24/7.  even when i slept, i was aware of it in my dreams.  weird huh?  anyways, i felt so extremely hopeless.  like i seriously was so scared that i would never like food again.  and i was scared that i would never be able to experience life again without a constant migraine.  do you know the feeling?  i mean, every single day was just so long and painful.  the only thing that made me happy was the fact that i was finally pregnant.  ironic, huh, since that's what was making me feel so crappy in the first place.  and then finally on thursday of week 14, i ate a goldfish and i wanted another one.  i did a double take that i was actually reaching for food to put in my mouth and i didn't have to force it on myself.  i ate another goldfish and then another.  i could feel the fog lifting right then and there.  i sat on the kitchen floor eating goldfish and crying such sweet tears of joy.  i didn't stop until i'd offered at least ten prayers of thanks.  i have a lot of very happy memories in my life and that one is right up there with the best of them.  less than 24 hours later, the migraine went away and i loved food like never before i always had.  24 hours between night and day and from each side it was nearly impossible to see the other.  tell me you've experienced this.

so here i am waiting week after week after week for my goldfish moment.  i'm sure it's got to come sooner or later.  it always has.  and i know it always has.  in the mean time, i'm just trying to hang in there.

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and not to blame this on my baby, but it's kinda her fault.  she brings me so much joy that it's like nothing else can keep up.  my little ball of sunshine just seems to cast shadows on everything else.  my baby girl is so perfect, she makes everything else seem so full of faults.  is this some sort of twisted post partum depression?

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by the way, baby girl turned three months yesterday!  we celebrated by drinking milk, singing, shopping, going on a walk, and watching stanford mens soccer.  she loved it.