19 weeks and a novel about getting fat

How far along:  19 weeks  (8.2.12)

Total weight gain/loss: +8.5 lbs if i weigh in the morning and by bedtime i weigh at least 4-5 more. crazy.

Maternity clothes:  same as before.  still wearing my regular shirts, jeans, dresses, skirts, etc. just more limited in what is flattering to my growing figure...

Sleep:  bad.  ha.  my sleep went from "just fine" to "not good at all" pretty much overnight.  saturday night i slept so insanely terribly.  i was waking up so often... sometimes every three minutes.  i got up to go to the bathroom at least twice that i remember but maybe it was three times... and i was only sleeping for like seven hours because i have to wake up early on sundays!  also, my belly wasn't bothersome before but, once again, it was overnight that it changed to being painful to turn from one side to the other.  all i do is toss and turn all night and then somehow i always magically wake up on my back with my head propped up by pillows.  been having dreams of things i need to do.  saturday night and sunday night were both recurring dreams about preparing for and giving the lesson on modesty that i gave to the ym/yw on sunday at church.  

Best moment this week:  being able to feel all those flutters in my belly all the time!!!

Movement:  what i was feeling last week has continued so i'm pretty positive it's legit.  it's always when i'm sitting or laying down and it's still just gentle little jabs.  i don't remember this part with abigail (probably because i was in denial that i was even pregnant) where the movements are so tiny but it feels like my stomach is a fishbowl and i can feel when the little tadpole swims and makes the water move behind it.  it's so cool but i'm still excited for the bigger movements... especially to see and feel kicks and stuff from the outside.

Food cravings:  french bread!!!  i am 100% completely addicted to eating.  food tastes so so good.  and my body wants to eat constantly.  and i never feel full, even after eating a dinner easily three times the size of a regular pre-pregnancy dinner.  i put a normal amount of food on my plate and instead of feeling satisfied, i'm still ravenous.  so i go back for seconds.  and then sometimes thirds.  it is astonishing the amount of food i can take in.  i imagine this is what it's like for people on a deserted island because all day i sleep and dream and fantasize of food.  and when i finally get some, it's the most amazing thing i've ever put in my mouth, and when it's gone, i'm still wanting more and super ansty about it.  like i start pacing and who knows... maybe i get the shakes too?  i'm not one of those people that's obsessed with food and has a hard time turning down dessert.  that's why i think it's typically difficult for me to gain weight.  pregnant is a completely different story and it's HARD.  i just wish i could eat toasted french bread smothered with butter.  all day long.  ugh.  and this week i've been so insanely thirsty.  i buy six gallons of milk at a time and still run out before my groceries do.  at one point this week i had eight gallons of milk in the fridge.  between refilling my glass, downing the milk, and hitting the bathroom, it's a full time job.  and of course i have to mention that it's still 2 scrambled cheese eggs for breakfast on sliced toasted, buttered, french bread.  and still eating it every single day.  ps- the sweet potatoes i ate tonight were perhaps the most delicious bits of heaven i've ever enjoyed.  now i'm kicking myself that i didn't get more at the store today.

Gender:  getting excited for the big ultrasound on monday.  i'm so excited that honey gets to come this time (he had a midterm going on during abigail's big ultrasound)... i hope we get a good tech that goes over everything with us.  maybe i'll write more on this later but i'd be insanely excited to have another girl because we have everything and baby girl is so good at sharing and would be such a great big sister in that way.  but also, i keep having feelings that this is a boy so i'm going to be totally thrown off if it's not a boy.  just like i was when abigail wasn't a boy.  ha.

What I miss:  not being hungry/thirsty/needing to go to the bathroom constantly.  it keeps me busy.

Milestones:   two strangers this week commented that i'm pregnant.  the first was a sample lady at costco telling me the vitamin drink i was about to sample wasn't suitable for pregnant people (sketchy?  why, yes) and the second was a lady at the pool whose kids abigail kept following around.  when i finally apologized for stalking her and her kids i explained it was because abigail doesn't have any siblings yet.  to which she responded "oh it's okay!  [looking at my belly] do you know what you'll be having next?"  nope... but i find out a week from today!  hallelujah!
Theme: the week of "i can't get enough food!" and "i feel something in there!"
Extra:  i'm starting to hardcore panic about my weight gain this pregnancy.  i have a target goal weight that i don't want to exceed and i very strongly don't want my hips and thighs to outgrow my jeans.  those two things are very important to me and while it wasn't very hard for me to maintain a sensible weight gain last pregnancy (i gained 24 total, which is right at the recommended amount), my situation this time around is completely different and it's not working in my favor.  first, as mentioned, i typically don't have to use discipline in my eating and food choices.  i can pretty much eat whatever i want and however much i want and my body weighs the same.  this is awesome for not gaining weight... not awesome for when you're trying to gain weight... my body has a mind of it's own and it'll just weigh however much it wants regardless of what i do.  sooo, i'm not trained in saying no or eating salted nuts or whatever instead of potato chips when i'm craving something salty.  second, last pregnancy i was working as a nanny for a three year old and a one year old.  we lived in california so year round i was talking those boys on long walks around the neighborhood, to the park, and running them to preschool, music class, and playdates, in addition to doing the grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning for their house as well as my own.  and since we lived on campus, i took frequent walks to meet chris after class or for stanford activities or to drop something off at the on campus post office... round trip from our apartment to campus was 45 minutes of FAST walking.  those nine months with abigail were so active.  i never thought about exercising but i would always tell my doctor that i was... because all that walking?  i deserved credit for that.  third, my food choices were healthier options then than what they are now for two reasons... nannying and living frugally.  like many families in the bay area, the family i nannied for was very healthy.  the fruit basket was always overflowing (although i did their shopping and i was always craving fruits...) and there was never any junk food or desserts to be found.  there was also not that much food at all to be found.  they only kept on hand and cooked what they needed.  so there was no "ooo i'll eat their yummy leftovers from last night!" or "hmm i'll just snack on these chips during nap time while i rest my feet" or anything.  and the more "meal" stuff they had that i made for the boys and myself for lunch was like a trader joes frozen pizza which only offered skimpy servings for the three of us so we had to fill up the rest of the way with fruit or a piece of cheese or something.  i frequently went hungry because they kept so little food in their house and i didn't want them to come home and be like "carrie and the boys ate all three frozen pizzas today for lunch?!?!"  so my snacks included a small handful of veggie chips or an indulgent bowl of granola and yogurt with fresh organic berries.  because that's what they had on hand.  also, since i was "on the job" all day, i was always really busy and couldn't decide to just ignore the kids for a bit while i made myself a delicious grilled cheese or something just because the craving hit (although i don't think twice about doing that with my own child!).  first, the boys would have been all "what the heck carrie, we just finished lunch like twenty minutes ago" and second, i would have felt guilty and dishonest because if the parents came home unexpectedly that would have looked really bad... they were paying me a lot of money to do my job, not devour their food.  but i only have one kid right now and she's super easy and she doesn't call me out for my incessant eating and i have a lot of down time since it's just her that i'm taking care of and our schedule is flexible so we're not running off to preschool and music class or anything.  also, the first time around "frugal" doesn't even begin to describe the lifestyle we were living... especially where food was concerned.  we never purchased or ate meat. i also considered bread too expensive unless it was the 88 cent loaf on the very bottom shelf.  i would buy a big bag of cheese and freeze it in little sandwich baggies, only putting a tiny sprinkle on something very occasionally. i made that cheese last so long it's unbelievable.  cream cheese was completely out of the budget. sour cream was never present unless we were having something that absolutely needed it.  but it definitely wasn't something to just keep on hand.  meals were expensive to make but also to buy pre-prepared, so we just didn't eat meals.  it's not like i had the energy to make them anyways.  we ate cereal.  i remember eating bran flakes or raisin bran every single day.  filling and cheap.  i would also buy cheap produce.  not avocados or berries, i mean bananas and apples and maybe pears.  when you're tired after a long day of work and your options are bananas or bran flakes, you're not going to get fat.  we didn't stock the pantry with the kinda food you want to eat more of... it's the kind where you naturally stop when you're not hungry anymore.  and when you're living a student lifestyle and spending your life savings on your husband's mba degree, you better believe your budget does not include anything that could be considered empty calories.  but let me tell you about that $10 bag of snickers i bought at target last week...because we have an income now and can splurge on those kind of things for when the missionaries come over and need a delicious dessert.  for me, spending more money on groceries means putting more pounds on your hips.  all of the combined means i'm in a dangerous spot.  also, it's been too hot for walking or any form of being active, especially because of my lightheadedness and soon enough this colorado weather will go from these sunny upper 90's to snowy lower 30's and i'll be screwed again.  ooo i just felt this baby kick again!  anyways... i'm getting big and the only thing i have in my favor is that i started out so much skinnier this time around because my body wouldn't let me put any weight on it.  random other news from the past few weeks... my chest is noticeably heavier (i don't ever remember noticing that last time around) and my belly button is attempting to pop out although only succeeding on top.  i blame the cream cheese.