i'm sad

baby girl is so cute.  one of my favorite things she's been doing lately is getting more in tune with emotions and feelings.  when she hears a baby crying, she gets worried and tells me that the baby is sad.  when she's swinging on the swings at the park she tells me that "abigail's happy!" and when she cries she always tells me, "abigail's sad" which is so sweet and adorable it melts my heart every time.  so now whenever i'm feeling down, it's my first reaction to think "i'm sad" (sorry, i don't do third person) with almost the same simplicity and honesty as baby girl.

you see, pregnancy is a tricky thing.  so are kids, but that's for another post.

i feel like i've been doing pretty well this pregnancy managing my emotions.  concentrating more on monitoring my emotions and keeping myself in check.  well, saturday on the way home from our outing i went from happy to sad faster than most cars can go from 0 to 60.  when we got home, christopher took abigail in to put her down for a nap.  i stayed in the car and cried.  then i collected myself while i collected our crap load of food, sweaters, shoes, trash, etc from our outing and headed in the house.  i was supposed to meet up with friends at noodles to hang out before the relief society broadcast.  i was already late and would have had to just change clothes and run out the door.  but seriously?  that wasn't going to happen when my face was splotchy and i'm still on the verge of tears.  i headed up some leftover soup and climbed in bed.  i was hoping it would pass but it didn't.  at the last possible second i managed enough self discipline to get out bed, put on a jean skirt, and leave for the broadcast.  i showed up and sat with my friends but didn't talk to them.

the broadcast was great.  especially the talk from the second counselor.  but there were at least ten times my eyes were welling up with tears at the words i was hearing (pres eyring, might i remind you that there are many pregnant women in your audience and this one right here that was at six months pregnant to the day, didn't appreciate your story about your six month pregnant daughter having emergency surgery to deliver her child 15 weeks early.  the thought was nice though.) because i was touched but also because i was still so sad.  and after it was over?  still sad.  i felt so awkward as i tried to make conversation with people while i ate some amazing cheesecake.  cheesecake makes me happy but apparently not enough.  i went to bed sooo not looking forward to sunday but also so grateful for no meetings before church.

church was fine.  everything went well.  baby girl was well behaved during sacrament, i spent second hour discussing all the research one of my yw advisers has done for the trunk or treat (i could build a shrine to her right now that's how grateful i am that she's taken the ball on this one), and third hour i just sat back and listened as a member of the bishopric taught a lesson to the young men and young women since we were combined for 5th sunday.  the rest of sunday was also good.  german pancakes after church, naps, and honey's little brother, nate, came over to hang out for a while.  it would have been a fabulous day if i wasn't feeling so down.  it's just one of those things like when i woke up from my nap, i wasn't tired still, but i just didn't want to be awake.  and at 10 that night, i also wasn't tired, but i was just so eager to be asleep.

so i woke up this morning not excited about my day.  nothing planned but i knew we needed to get out.  we went to story time at the library and then hit up the dollar store and goodwill.  then baby girl watched thomas while i did some cleaning.  then we ate and baby went down for a nap and i did some more cleaning.  i write this down and think "what's so terrible?  this sounds exactly like one of your this-was-the-most-amazing-day-ever type of days!"

anyways, it's hard anytime you're struggling emotionally but i keep thinking back to the general relief society second counselor's talk and think "at least i wasn't that pioneer on the trail that lost her husband and only child within months of each other... or any of the other people placed in the horrific situations she described.  but somehow i'm still flawed and selfish enough to think, "BUT I"M STILL SAD!"

so as far as this pregnancy goes, physcially, i'm feeling my best.  emotionally, not so much.  how is it than i can go from being euphoric to super sad and no matter which one i'm feeling, the other feels a million miles away?!  tell me i'm not the only one that experiences this.