Brady and drama

Earlier this week I was paying special attention to how Brady was doing because he had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and I wanted to be able to answer any questions his doctor had for me. If you asked me how he was doing I would have told you he's one of the happiest and smiliest babies I've ever seen but that most nights between 8 and 11 he still has a hard time. Sometimes he's just fussy and wanting to be held but sometimes it's screaming fits and taking three hours to get him to go to sleep. But daytime is golden and he goes down for naps on the first try, goes back to sleep (with a binky) after the 45 minute intruder, and naps for about 2.5 hours. So that's what I told the doctor when we met with her Wednesday morning but of course Wednesday night Brady is the fussiest he's been in a long time. And then Thursday he was actually really fussy still when he woke up and it took me over half an hour to get him to sleep, eventually resorting to swinging him in his carseat... Just like the pre-Zantac days. And then he had a hard time going down for his next nap too. And then that evening was worse than the night before. Tons of screaming and crying and needing to be held constantly. And today we've just been continuing downhill. It took me at least thirty minutes to get him down for his nap this morning and then he woke up at 45 mins and went back to sleep but then woke up again at an hour and a half and was done. Done done done. So this afternoon I had Abigail down for nap by two and immediately took Brady in his room for his nap and umm that was almost two hours ago and he's slept for a tot of ten mins in his crib and even that took me an hour and a half. Then he woke up hysterical and I comforted him and gave up. Oh well. I'll just feed him and try again next nap. Except that he was so exhausted he fell asleep nursing within two minutes. And now I'm typing this all out with a sleeping baby in my arms. He's cried more in the last two days than Abigail has cried in probably two months. And he has most definitely cried more in his short three months than Abigail has in her whole life.

Heaven help me if I get pregnant again anytime soon. I already barely shower or get dressed and ready. I almost never make meals. I always have at least one dirty dish in my sink. My house is always a disaster compared to what it used to be six months ago. I'm a complete deadbeat at my calling. Abigail watches way too much Thomas. And I could go on and on and on. How am I supposed to function in life with a kid that cries so much? When hours of my day are devoted to just holding, feeding, and trying to calm a baby, where am I supposed to find the time to bond with my daughter, clean my house, prepare meals, and have energy and optimism for my husband when he gets home from a long day at work or a draining business trip? Brady, I need you to go back to being happy again. We were really making progress for a while!

My Christopher gets back in town tonight. He was gone Sunday evening until Monday after work. Then he left at 4am Tuesday morning for North Dakota. Then yesterday went straight to Omaha. He got to his hotel after midnight and had to leave again by five am his morning. And now he finally comes home tonight and while I would love to hand him a crying baby and tell him I'm gonna go lay down for a bit, that's just not reasonable considering the number of hours he's spent in meetings, in the car, in crappy one star hotels in the middle of nowhere when it's -12 degrees outside, and that he's been on four flights in the last few days and he hates traveling for business in the first place. Sadly, I have a feeling this weekend will end up being like all the others. He'll do the dishes, he'll take out the trash, he will spend time doing puzzles and candyland and the playground with Abigail and will eat yet another bowl of cereal and spend hours at church and doing his calling and he won't complain one bit. I hate that. Ha. I hate that I used to do more and now I can't. 18 months ago I was praying earnestly for opportunities to serve. Just telling Heavenly Father that I was too blessed and I felt guilty not having the opportunity to be even remotely worthy of everything. Then i git calked as young women president. And then i got pregnant. Now I'm still praying earnestly, apologizing for sucking so bad. For being so blessed but so inept at fulfilling any of my roles and responsibilities in life. This is what I talked to Lisa about that one time. And I felt like I got a grip on things temporarily. But now I've slipped back into believing these painful thoughts. Why is it so hard? How is it that you can wake up and do your best at being a wife and mom and friend and everything else and then six hours later you find yourself umm... Writing this blog post? Ha. I'm having trouble pinpointing when things turn a corner. When they go from "Brady is having a hard day... It's a good thing I'm in such a good mood so it doesn't get me down!" to "when is it my turn to go to North Dakota and Omaha?!" (Ps- that's a direct quote. I'm sure Chris is loving my myriad of texts that I'm sending him today.)

Anyways, I'm sure this is going to come off way more dramatic than it should. Because really I'm just a spoiled rotten kid hanging out with my feet up while I snuggle my precious sleeping babe. Which speaking of, that was really the whole point of this post... to describe Brady's behavior and ask for advice. Honey thinks it's teething. There has been an increase of drool. I think it might be the reflux still since there's also been an increase of spitting up. And hes doing the kicking grunting thing. Anyone have words of wisdom for me? This kid makes me feel like a first time parent. And holy cow it's already 4:30! In case this happens again, anyone also have suggestions on ways to use my time as I sit in a dark room holding a napping baby? Y'know... Besides spending forever writing a long winded, add, tmi post for the interests.

Because we probably all could have done without this hot mess right here.

Edited to add: it's 10:07 and I should have a husband again within the hour! Life will be okay! But do say a little prayer for my poor Brady. He's struggling. Hardcore.