Privilege

I don't know what it is, but Elizabeth has a fever and you can tell she's just really struggling. She is completely not herself at all. I went to Susan's annual chocolate social tonight and Christopher was texting me Elizabeth updates. It was killing me to hear that she was having a hard time and it made me want to just drop everything and run home to her. With a difficult baby, I would have felt lucky to have been away on a difficult night, but with Elizabeth, I just wanted to be with her. 

I finally did make it to her, around 11. After staying late at the party, driving super slow on the snowy roads, and then having to shovel my car out (multiple times... I think it took twenty minutes) on my driveway because it kept getting stuck. But I found her, cuddled up and sleeping in Christopher's arms in our bed. It was adorable. I wanted to take a picture but didn't want to startle her awake with the flash so I just picked her up as gently as I could. 

I took her upstairs. Her legs were crazy hot. I undid all of her and let her stretch and cool off before getting her swaddles and everything again. She was calm and sucking on her binky. No smiles or coos. It was almost eerie. I nursed her in he glider and she ate okay for a bit and it just felt so right. Holding her and comforting her. Her poor feverishly burning hot cheek against my chest. But then she started biting me. Like just clenching her teeth down. The first several times I was able to just gently ease my pinky in her mouth to loosen her grip. By the fifth or sixth time, she was getting upset by it and crying. Like actual crying. Which is very unusual for her unless she's hurt. Eventually I gave up on that side and offered her the other. It was like she only wanted to suck ever so slightly so that she didn't have to actually eat. And then she did the biting thing several more times. I put her binky in her hand and she immediately put it in her mouth and closed her eyes. I watched as she semi dozed off and then put her up on my shoulder so she could burp and I think she was still asleep. And then over and over in my head, the thought kept coming to me... "This is such a privledge.  This is such a privledge to take care of her." 

My whole time with her was maybe half an hour, but it was perfect. I know she feels horrible and you can tell she's really struggling and feeling awful, but for me, as her mother, it was one of those amazing and incredible experiences that you just want to bottle up and relive over and over again. 

She is perfection. I love her so much I can't even handle it. She is so slow to ever raise a fuss and her spirit is just so sweet and tender. I always feel so blessed to be her mother and to experience a baby like this, but tonight. Tonight was just extra. To be able to take care of her and hold her and offer comfort to her listless little self. 

It was such a privledge. I am so blessed.