One year and one hour

5.27.16

What a difference a year and an hour  makes! 

From this...

and this 

...to this

and this

and this. 

It's been such an amazing year. 

Sleeping all day

Yesterday, Elizabeth was fine. Totally normal. But then she had a hard time going to sleep so I gave her a binky. That's not terribly uncommon. But then she woke up like 45 minutes later and was crying. That's super unusual. Even more unusual is that when I went to comfort her, she wasn't being comforted. She would be completely quiet and lay her head on my chest... For about five seconds. And then sit up and cry for five seconds. Then on my chest again and back up again. Every few seconds. It was the weirdest thing. I finally got her down and even then, watched her on the monitor and saw that it took her a while to settle down and fall asleep. With a binky! That doesn't happen. Then she woke up around 1:30 and did the same thing on my chest with being quiet and crying. I don't know how long it lasted because I was half asleep but I got her in her crib only to have her start crying again a few minutes later. So I turned the sound on the video monitor off (so it wouldn't wake Christopher) and just stayed in my bed listening to her cry upstairs. My plan was for me to kinda monitor her that way except that I think I fell asleep almost instantly. Whoops. And I didn't wake up til I heard her at 7am. I nursed her and changed her diaper and put her back in bed with a binky. She does better these days with just one afternoon nap (and no morning nap) but it requires that she sleeps in a bit so that she's not awake all day and exhausted. I figured she'd wake up between 11 and noon. Well, I saw her wake up or move around quite a bit but she never sat up and stayed awake. 

She slept all day. 

Literally. 

Finally at 6:30pm, almost 12 hours after putting her in her crib, honey and I went in and woke her up for the day. So crazy. I'm trying to think if I've had a kid do this before. I think so but can't remember the details. But seriously. She slept the entire day. 

So we all hung out together as a family on the floor of her room and then we got Abigail and Brady ready for bed and I took Elizabeth downstairs to feed her real food. Then the three of us watched the last few minutes of game seven (the Penguins won... They're going to the Stanley cup playoffs against the Sharks) and I put her back to bed around 9:30. She was fine for a while but then cried and struggled to fall asleep so I gave her a binky and she passed out. 

Not sure what the madness is about with her having a rough night (well, for her) and then sleeping all day. She's getting two teeth in right now (the one to the right of her two top teeth was already coming down when I got back in town last Thursday, and the one to the right of her two bottom teeth just broke through a day or so ago) and I also wonder if she has a bit of the cold that Abigail and Brady have. Although neither of them feel sick, they just know they have a runny nose. Either way, I'm a firm believer that when a kid seems to be worn out and need extra sleep, I throw the schedule out the window and let them sleep as much as they want. I think it's the body's best way to help fix pretty much anything. Sleep is a magical thing. 

Crossing my fingers that Elizabeth has a better night tonight and is feeling good as new tomorrow! It's her last day as a zero year old! 

Out for summer!

Today was Abigail's last day of kindergarten! Our family is officially on summer break! 

I feel like the school year just started so it blows my mind that it's already over. The kids and I are so ready for the pool to open (this Saturday! On Elizabeth's birthday!) and Abigail is thrilled to be done with school for a while. That's so my kid. She'll tell anyone that asks... No, she doesn't like school because it's hard and recess is her favorite part. 

My goal is for my kids to play with toys as little as possible. I hate the mess, and honestly, I just don't think it's necessary. They can play outside. If they need to be inside, we can read books together or they can color or dance. Abigail said those were her two favorite things so hopefully we can do a lot of that. Of course there's tons of puzzles and small toys that are still hanging around. But hopefully it won't really come to that. I'm a nicer mother when my kids aren't making messes. ; ) 

Anyway, we're excited. To celebrate, I took the kids to chick fil a (well, first to kohls to pick up my [free $10] wet brush which is actually a miracle brush like all the only reviews claim!) for lunch and playtime. I got my free chick fil a calendar Cobb salad and it was delish. And I got two dressing packets because I didn't know if I would like the avocado lime dressing or the garlic herb ranch. Turns out I liked both. I think the salad had about 20 grams of fat in it. And each packet of dressing had about 30 grams of fat. I'm no nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure something is off when my lunch salad was roughly 80 grams of fat. Whoops. I will say though that it was delicious. 

Then we came home and the kids played outside for a few hours with lucy and Presley until we took them in at 6:15.  

Our home teacher came over. A bit awkward since we still have no sofas but we made it work. Also kinda sad because we'll probably have to get new home teachers with Chris getting kicked out of elders quorum. 

We had sandwiches (the kids and honey) and cereal (just honey) for dinner. I had some green beans since I was already feeding them to Elizabeth. She eats so much. Tonight was a bunch of green beans, an entire banana, a big bowl of baby oatmeal mixed with whole milk, and some pinto beans. She eats so much.

She's been doing this thing where she likes to take her food from her tray and put it into her catcher bib or just in her seat by her side. I can't put my finger on it but it's so hilarious and so insanely adorable. Tonight, I picked her up and her bloomers were all wet on the bottom. Because she'd stashed so many green beans under her bum. That kid is so funny. I love laughing with her. We love laughing together. 

Who's excited not to have to load kids in the car tomorrow morning at 9?  

🙋

6 hours of church

I have so much to write but my head is full and I know I need to sleep. 

The kids and I went to six hours of church today. It was wonderful. Sacrament in our ward was exactly what I needed to hear. Like literally. The stake president called me up to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting after Chris was sustained and what I said was not at all what I wanted to say but it's what came out. Basically, I am so so blessed, but struggle that my offering to the lord is so insufficient. I'm not a terrible, horrible person, but I very often feel like it. I know I struggle with perfectionist tendencies in my home, but I've realized lately it's in a lot of ither areas of my life too. The talks were of course planned before my testimony, but the took place directly after. As if I Layws out my struggle and my concerns were immediately addressed. I had tears streaming down my face as I listened to the words of the speakers. I can't tell you anything that was said because my memory sucks, but the message came through loud and clear. I am so grateful. 

Relief society was also just perfect. Rebecca taught on three conference talks. She is an amazing teacher and conveys everything with such a strong spirit. 

We went straight to the Hilliers ward since it started at one. Nate, Klaudette, and Brent, did great. So many people where there to support them. It was wonderful. Relief society in their ward was also good. About making good decisions that will take you where you want to go. 

The kids did well. Elizabeths slept from 12:15-2:15. Brady actually fell asleep during primary and Klaudette found his sunbeam teacher carrying his sleeping body through the halls between classes. Ha. Abigail's teacher said she seemed tired but was so well behaved and could only say nice things about her. 

Christopher had a meeting from 2:30-4:30. We all ate dinner at the Hilliers at 5 and hung out too. It was a really great day. On the way home, I started to get discouraged at all the stuff I have to do. I swear it would take me six years to catch up on my to do list and it's discouraging. But I need to carry my Sunday with me through this week. Church just gives me this peace and clarity and puts my priorities into focus.  

The day started out so hectic and busy from 7-9 but just turned into something so amazing. It was a great day. 

The streak continues

We moved into our ward five years ago. I can't believe it's been that long, but my calendar confirms that's the case. I was called to be the ward music person and conduct the music in sacrament meeting. I was also called to be on the compassionate service committee.  Chris was called to be the ward clerk. Six months later I was called to be young women's president. Less than two years later, I was released from my calling (and Chris from his) and Christopher was called to be the elders quorum president. I was called into the welcoming committee for several months and then as the visiting teaching coordinator. But Chris stayed elders quorum president. If you're keeping track, in our five years in this ward, I've had a million callings and Chris has only had two. What's funny about his two callings though is that he's been a part of the ward council. For five years straight. That's a really long time to be on the ward council. In our ward, he's by far the longest standing ward council member. As he put it, "I've seen people come and go and then come again because it's been that long."  

When we were in the Bahamas last weekend, we both had our phones on airplane mode. When we returned, we both had voicemails from a guy trying to contact Chris. Normally I don't get voicemails for people trying to get in touch with him, but I made sure he knew and then didn't think anything about it. Until he told me that we had a meeting with our stake president at 9am Saturday at our home. That's a major red flag. Because most things aren't time sensitive enough for the stake president to come to your home on a Saturday morning. Chris thought he might be getting a seminary teacher calling. I think that was just wishful thinking because he would love that calling and be so good at it, but I told him no way because he travels too much and that's a serious enough calling where they need you there consistently. So we dropped it. We couldn't think of any likely calling. We thought maybe stake young men's counselor, but even that didn't seem likely because of the timing. 

Well, Saturday morning happened. I love our stake president. His wife was Abigail's preschool teacher. Their family is super close with the Hillier and I remember going bowling with them when I came to visit Colorado when Chris and I were dating. Anyway, he released Chris as elders quorum president. Chris talked about how his calling had taught him about ministering and priesthood keys. I talked about how our family had been so richly blessed as Chris served in this calling and that things that should have been difficult, just weren't. So many burdens were made light. We read scriptures about the calling of high priests and before I knew it, he extended a new calling to my Christopher. First counselor in the bishopric. 

Chris and I haven't really talked about it at all. I'm sure he's got enough in his head right now, and for me, I'd like to live in denial for a while. But the part we did laugh about... "I've been a part of the ward council for five years with no end in sight. Maybe eventually I can beat my testimony at church and tell everyone how grateful I am to have been a part of the ward council these last nine years or so."  Ha. My honey. That guy can sure make me laugh. 

The streak lives on. 

Back to the grind

As expected, today was rough. It started fine and I woke up next to Brady and he slept til 9:30 and I didn't get Elizabeth up til 10:30 or something... I can't remember. But then Elizabeth had blown out and leaked out of her diaper all over her sheets and needed a bath and I was doing so much laundry and frustrated at all the stains and messes and then Brady got impatient that I kept blowing him off when he asked me to play tennis with him and I was annoyed too that I had too much to do because actually I did want to spend time with him and everywhere I looked there were messes and piles of clutter and I quickly became overwhelmed. By 5:00 I was nearly in tears and remembered that it was temple night and I was frustrated again that if never asked chris to watch the kids for me and hed said he wouldn't get home til 6 and that would be too late. It was just bad. But then he texted that he was on his way and would be home by 5:45 and was happy to watch the kids so I could go and it was just an answer to my prayers and the stars aligned and even though I'd wanted to spend time together as a family, I knew that nothing good would happen if I stayed home. I was an emotional wreck and was one tiny thread away from being completely unraveled. I met Kelli at the church at 6 and we rode together to the temple. The session was great. It was my first time seeing this new video. I had a moment at the end where I felt the spirit so strongly and it was the most wonderful feeling ever. Sometimes I just need to know that I'm not forgotten. It's always hard for me to return from trips. It's hard for me to think big thoughts that get me in a horrible downward spiral and get me frustrated about life. Tonight at the temple was exactly what I needed and I'm so grateful to have gone. 

I'm so sleepy. I hope this night of rest ahead of me will also be able to clear my mind a bit too. 

Notes notes notes

This morning I slept in til 9 and woke up at the st. Regis. Tomorrow I'll be waking up to my alarm and tantrums to get Abigail to school on time. Two totally different worlds but I'm glad to be back.

I'm currently working on notes from my Atlanta trip, our Bahamas cruise, and the Meritain top honors thing in Miami at the St. Regis. I know I'll never catch up, but I'm trying to make a dent in it. 

I'm so glad to be back with my kids. They're so precious to me. 

Miami beach

5.12.16 

I hate blogger. I just wrote this whole post and then was adding my next to last picture and accidentally clicked "launch camera" instead of adding a photo from my camera roll. And of course the camera was broken so it was stuck on that screen and I had to exit out of the app which deleted my entire post. It makes me want to cry but I guess I'm learning lessons. Normally I would have published my text before going back to add photos so it was all saved, but I got less than three hours of sleep last night between 3:30 and 6:15 this morning and I was just anxious to finish and get to sleep. So much for that. 

Take two.

I'm working on writing up text from my Georgia trip because I hate that I didn't blog it while I was there and I'm not going to remember anything from the trip. I'll probably never get around to adding pictures, but honestly, something is better than nothing and when I wait to do things perfectly how I want them done, I know I frequently just never get around to doing them at all. A crappy effort is better than a procrastinated effort that never happens. 

Well, we're in Miami. I've had major anxiety for a few months at leaving Elizabeth. It's been bad this past week and especially last night and this morning. Between that and thinking about granny, I had quite a bit of trouble going to sleep last night. But, I got it all done. Everything got packed and taken care of and I think I even delivered around 90 ounces of frozen milk for Elizabeth to drink while I'm gone. She's weaning herself anyway so I'm pretty sure that'll be adequate. 

I took Abigail to Presley's at 7 so Steph could take her to school. Christopher and I drove separate cars to the Hillier's. We dropped off Brady and Elizabeth and their stuff and left our van with them. I didn't even cry. I was sure I would cry but I managed not to. Klaudette cried though. Of course. ; ) She knew how hard it was for me and she started crying (today was their anniversary) and saying how glad she was that Chris and I could go on this trip together because most of her favorite memories in her 33 years of marriage were when it was just her and Brent together. It gives me anxiety to leave my kids and I despise packing, but I will wholeheartedly admit that trips are a very very very good thing for our marriage. I'm our normal life, we're typically just ships passing in the night. 

Security at the airport was the longest I've ever seen it but we made it in fine time and boarded with C and even got to sit together. I watched an episode of tiny luxury and 2 episodes of fixer upper. Tv makes me impatient. My addiction is 100% reading on the Internet. Anyway, the flight was good except that I was texting Liza when I left, just checking on how granny was doing and everything was okay, and when I landed, granny was in the ER. She's always on my mind anyway and that was definitely not the update I was expecting when I landed. 

We ubered to the hotel. I love uber. It's so much cheaper than taxis but the cars and drivers are so much nicer too. And bonus that you don't have to drive around in a car with an obnoxious sign on the top. Here in Miami, every single one of them was for a pub, hooters, an ambulance chaser law firm, a gambling addiction hotline, and something about unwanted pregnancies that was all "pregnant?" in huge letters. I'm not a fan of taxis. 

Over the next few hours, Chris had a bunch of emails to catch up on and I anxiously awaited updates on granny. New is all good but she'll stay in the hospital several days. 

These are two of my favorite women ever. I know I'm partial but I think they're the cutest. I've looked at this picture so much today. I love it. 

We're at the Palms. It's nice and the hotel staff is so super courteous. We dropped our bags and walked around on the beach a bit. 

Calls. 

And emails. 

I told him that I needed video footage of this and he could be on the next bachelor. 

This is our first picture together this trip. 

This is our second picture together this trip. ; ) 

Really it's the same thing just a different angle. I used to love traveling out of the country because chris didn't have his phone to do work stuff... But now he always gets the international plan because he needs to. So that's probably my number one favorite thing about going on cruises with this guy. There's literally no cell signal. No calls or emails in the evenings when the boat is away from land! Just 24 more hours...

Anyway, then we walked down the street to a little Italian place for dinner. Honey got a seafood pasta with spicy marinara sauce and I got crab ravioli with a mint cream sauce. So us. Honey told me all about his Stanford reunion trip. Because we haven't even had time to talk about it at all this past week that we've been home and together since I got back from Georgia. He's been busy and working and out of town and honestly, I think this was the first time I even asked him about it. Whoops. Just 10ish days late. 

I really loved talking to him. We even stayed and kept talking after we paid. We weren't rushing to get kids home for bed or rushing to get back to take the babysitter home. We were just loving talking to each other. It's always a treat for me when I get to listen to my honey talk about stuff because it doesn't really happen all the time. ; ) 

We stopped by this supermarket for fun. And because honey knows how I prefer full bottles of sunscreen. And paying $10 for the Hawaiian tropic bottle I love instead of $7 for the brand I've never heard of. That sort of crap makes me feel rich. Five years ago I would have rather fallen over dead than pay $3 extra for sunscreen. We would have used the travel ones we brought. I was laughing out loud at honeys comments about how crazy that store was with super slim aisles and tons of inventory in it too. So so funny. 

Back at the hotel, we put on our swimsuits and went to the beach. Honey swam while I watched him and read readers digest. When he came back, we hung out on the beach and played that word power trivia page. Half way through, honey was all "wait, I lost track, what's the score so far?"  I just had to laugh because, what? I wasn't aware we were keeping score. I though we were just testing ourselves. I blame our children's competitive nature on him. I have none in me. But, for the record. We both suck. Out of 13, I only got 4 and honey got 5. We've gotta work on that. But it was so fun. Just to do something silly and pointless like that. We never ever ever do stuff like that at home. This is why trips are so crucial. 

We went to the pool and swam a bit. It's heated but of course I was still cold. So back at the room, honey did more calls and emails while I took a never ending hot shower. I'm not a fan of those from the ceiling rain showers but I guess people love them because I swear they're in almost every hotel we stay at. I'm nearly positive our cruise ship will have normal showers in our teeny tiny bathroom so I'm glad about that. I prefer showers that can target hot water on my constantly aching back. ; )

It was a good day. I can say that now because I survived. I make have been overwhelmed with bad butterflies in my stomach feelings and shaking and feeling like I wanted to puke (Elizabeth, I love you... I'm sure you don't notice I'm gone but I'm missing you hardcore) but I made it and am already reaping the marital benefits of this trip with my love. 

Also, for the record. I love and miss my other kids too. But they have been so crazy excited about sleeping over at grandma's that I'm more excited for them than anything else. And I don't feel like they are a part of me like my nursing baby is. 

But, just wanted to be clear that I love my kids and I love my baby... It's just that one was a little harder to leave. The others are just living out their dreams. 

I'm glad to be here and I'm excited to hit the beach in the morning with my honey... It's just that my mind and my heart has been consumed with my Elizabeths today. Good thing I know they're both in good hands. ; ) 

My haze

I feel like I've been walking around in a haze since I got back. I went through my typical several days of depression and sadness that I wasn't hanging out with my mom in atlanta anymore. The depression actually lasted through the weekend. And then Monday with the kids was just rough. I was a momzilla sort of parent that day. Tuesday and today I've had a bad headache but I'm hanging in there. I just feel like I need to find my groove. I literally just bumble around the house (I don't think that's a real phrase) from one task to the next, never getting anything done. I've got laundry and dishes and cleaning and stuff that I need to do, but somehow I get to the end of the day and realize I didn't even eat anything more than a bite or two of food here or there, mostly the kids' leftovers when I want to clear their plates. I'm normally laying in bed, thinking about everything I need to do, how horrible of a mother I am, why I don't feed my body and keep getting headaches, and pondering the meaning of life in a mon-sophisticated way. My mind is so on my grandmother. I'm still trying to process my visit and my time with her. My love for her is fierce and always will be, but I was thrown off by how much she seems like a different person than who she always has been. I didn't feel like I could be candid with her because it was at times like she was a stranger to me. Like our relationship wasn't at the personal level it needed to be to have a real conversation so we stuck to surfacey stuff like the weather and how cute Elizabeth is. I told her how much I love her, but it killed me that she might not fully understand it. Like I'm just saying it like I say it to any family member or friend... Not like I really mean it.  I told her over and over that she's one of my most favorite people on this entire earth and that she's so super extra special to me. But now I'm just so far away and I don't know if she even remembers spending time with me. She loves Elizabeth so much. To the point that I got jealous and preferred my time with grandmother when Elizabeth wasn't present... Because then granny would focus some attention on me. But I just kept wondering how much she understood. When I showed up to the hospital alone on Monday night, granny asked where her sweetheart or something was. I don't think that's the right word but it was something like that. I was all, "my baby? Elizabeth?" And she looked at me pretty seriously and almost reprimanding like and was all "do I have another sweetheart?" It was kind of like a slap on the wrist for me and I was all "umm, nope, no. I guess not."  Ha. She didn't often use Elizabeth's name unless I had just said it and she was trying to get her attention. It made me wonder if she remembered her name. It made me want to say "Elizabeth. Just like you. She's my baby and I named her after you because I love her so much and I love you so much." But I didn't. I don't know why. I think because I didn't want to confuse her. I didn't want her to feel embarrassed like she should already know that. And it kind of felt again like I needed to keep things more impersonal because our relationship didn't seem as deep. I don't know. It was just all pretty different. 

So now I'm back. In Colorado. But my mind is still in Georgia with granny. We're born, we live, and then we die. And in the process, we have some kids that are also born and live and die. It sure puts into perspective the value of stuff (not much) and the value of relationships and experiences (a lot). I have always been grateful for granny and papa's example, but I've been thinking about them so much more even lately. About how they lived their life. About how they've always made me feel. About what they've valued. And I lay awake at night trying to imagine them in their younger years before I ever knew them. Last night I'd been in bed for at least two hours and it was after midnight and I was so so tired. But of course I was thinking about granny. And papa. And I was trying to imagine papa in his younger years and going to work and climbing on a john Deere tractor. I was trying to imagine granny and papa as a younger couple like chris and me. I just wish I could go back in time and be able to peek into their life back then. I also am just anxious for time to move a little faster so I can hurry back to see granny in July. I don't know why it makes my stomach kind of twisted in knots, but it does. And it leaves my head in a cloud like I'm only half here. 

Deeeep breaths. I'm hoping that this weekend I can spend some quality time with Chris and let the dust in my mind settle a bit. But for now, I just needed to get a few thoughts out. Whenever I wrote, I feel like I'm dumbledore and this blog is my pensieve. 

My three kids

Nine years

5.4.16

Nine years is a long time, but yet, it has passed by so fast. As chris said, this is the first anniversary we've had where it actually feels like we've been married a long time. Like 8 years still didn't seem like very much, but 9 years happens and we're all "holy cow, how have we already been married so long?!" 

I feel like our marriage keeps getting better with time. It's probably more me than anything else, but I'm continually getting more comfortable with having something that works for us, even though it's not really what works for other people. I don't know how to explain it in a concise way, but there are a lot of ways that we don't fit a standard mold and I used to think that was something we needed to work on so our marriage could be better. Now I just understand and appreciate that something works for us... Even if it's a little unconventional. 

I used to think that our lack of communication meant something terrible about our marriage... Now I understand that it's just our style. I was in Atlanta until Tuesday night. I had no clue that my honey was actually in Nebraska from Monday morning until Tuesday evening. Did it matter? Nope. 

One day on my trip, I noticed that Christopher and I had had zero communication that day. And it was almost midnight. Who cares? We were both just really busy. 

The kids and I were out of town for 13 days. My Christopher and I had two phone conversations. One I don't even remember... My phone says it was 4 minutes. 

We're not big on getting gifts for each other. We are really good at getting something we were already planning on and then saying its for a birthday/valentines/anniversary. I requested nothing for Valentine's Day. Honey honored that and then a few days later bought plane tickets for the kids and me to go to Georgia for almost two weeks. So he said "happy valentines!" and I said "best valentines gift ever!" Even though it had nothing to do with Valentine's Day. 

My standard gift to him for anything is a thoughtful card and a pack of chocolate twizzlers. 

We agree on the stuff that matters, but personilty wise, we are very, very different from one another. I feel like over the years, we've grown closer to one another and have learned to meet in the middle. 

I used to think that if he fell asleep without saying I love you then he was rude and our relationship must not be that great. I've learned that I just have a very sleepy husband that frequently wakes up at 5am and is struggling to stay awake by 8pm. 

All of this looks so painfully obvious when it's written in black and white, but it has taken me a lot of years to learn.  Nine, remember?! 

So, for my posterity, I just wanted to take a minute to write down my random thoughts of gratitude for my wonderful husband and our nine years of marriage. 

I'm excited for many, many more to come! 

I told my honey that instead of getting a babysitter and going out to eat, that I would rather spend the night together as a family since it had been two full weeks. 

We decided to go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner (because any night where I don't need to cook is a good night) and then eat dessert together after the kids were in bed. So honey came home and surprised me with roses and cheesecake (my favorite) and, wait for it, southern crunch butter pecan ice cream. I didn't even need to taste it, it made me so happy. 

And I still haven't tasted it because we were so full and so tired. So honey turned on some King of queens and was asleep before I even finished brushing my teeth. ; ) And when I woke up in the morning I realized that I'd forgotten to even give him the chocolate twizzlers! 

If that anniversary celebrating doesn't just sum up our style, I don't know what does.