My haze

I feel like I've been walking around in a haze since I got back. I went through my typical several days of depression and sadness that I wasn't hanging out with my mom in atlanta anymore. The depression actually lasted through the weekend. And then Monday with the kids was just rough. I was a momzilla sort of parent that day. Tuesday and today I've had a bad headache but I'm hanging in there. I just feel like I need to find my groove. I literally just bumble around the house (I don't think that's a real phrase) from one task to the next, never getting anything done. I've got laundry and dishes and cleaning and stuff that I need to do, but somehow I get to the end of the day and realize I didn't even eat anything more than a bite or two of food here or there, mostly the kids' leftovers when I want to clear their plates. I'm normally laying in bed, thinking about everything I need to do, how horrible of a mother I am, why I don't feed my body and keep getting headaches, and pondering the meaning of life in a mon-sophisticated way. My mind is so on my grandmother. I'm still trying to process my visit and my time with her. My love for her is fierce and always will be, but I was thrown off by how much she seems like a different person than who she always has been. I didn't feel like I could be candid with her because it was at times like she was a stranger to me. Like our relationship wasn't at the personal level it needed to be to have a real conversation so we stuck to surfacey stuff like the weather and how cute Elizabeth is. I told her how much I love her, but it killed me that she might not fully understand it. Like I'm just saying it like I say it to any family member or friend... Not like I really mean it.  I told her over and over that she's one of my most favorite people on this entire earth and that she's so super extra special to me. But now I'm just so far away and I don't know if she even remembers spending time with me. She loves Elizabeth so much. To the point that I got jealous and preferred my time with grandmother when Elizabeth wasn't present... Because then granny would focus some attention on me. But I just kept wondering how much she understood. When I showed up to the hospital alone on Monday night, granny asked where her sweetheart or something was. I don't think that's the right word but it was something like that. I was all, "my baby? Elizabeth?" And she looked at me pretty seriously and almost reprimanding like and was all "do I have another sweetheart?" It was kind of like a slap on the wrist for me and I was all "umm, nope, no. I guess not."  Ha. She didn't often use Elizabeth's name unless I had just said it and she was trying to get her attention. It made me wonder if she remembered her name. It made me want to say "Elizabeth. Just like you. She's my baby and I named her after you because I love her so much and I love you so much." But I didn't. I don't know why. I think because I didn't want to confuse her. I didn't want her to feel embarrassed like she should already know that. And it kind of felt again like I needed to keep things more impersonal because our relationship didn't seem as deep. I don't know. It was just all pretty different. 

So now I'm back. In Colorado. But my mind is still in Georgia with granny. We're born, we live, and then we die. And in the process, we have some kids that are also born and live and die. It sure puts into perspective the value of stuff (not much) and the value of relationships and experiences (a lot). I have always been grateful for granny and papa's example, but I've been thinking about them so much more even lately. About how they lived their life. About how they've always made me feel. About what they've valued. And I lay awake at night trying to imagine them in their younger years before I ever knew them. Last night I'd been in bed for at least two hours and it was after midnight and I was so so tired. But of course I was thinking about granny. And papa. And I was trying to imagine papa in his younger years and going to work and climbing on a john Deere tractor. I was trying to imagine granny and papa as a younger couple like chris and me. I just wish I could go back in time and be able to peek into their life back then. I also am just anxious for time to move a little faster so I can hurry back to see granny in July. I don't know why it makes my stomach kind of twisted in knots, but it does. And it leaves my head in a cloud like I'm only half here. 

Deeeep breaths. I'm hoping that this weekend I can spend some quality time with Chris and let the dust in my mind settle a bit. But for now, I just needed to get a few thoughts out. Whenever I wrote, I feel like I'm dumbledore and this blog is my pensieve.