13 weeks

How far along:  13 weeks  (12.14.16)

Total weight gain/loss: 1- 2 lbs? i try to remember to weigh myself most mornings but lately, the number hasn't been at all consistent. 

Maternity clothes:  yes.  right now i'm just at that awkward phase where i definitely have a belly but it just looks like I've been to too many holiday parties and drink a carton of egg nog a day. All of my clothes have a long way to go before I grow out of them, but very little is flattering right now. It's winter and I don't leave my house unless absolutely necessary, so I mostly wear leggings/yoga pants/sweats and hoodies. Going out requires a lot more effort to find something that doesn't look horrendous although I'm about ready to give up on that. In the mean time, sweaters, cardigans, and scarves (because they make my top half stick out farther than my belly) have been my go to camouflage.  

Sleep:  it's hit or miss. Brady has been sneaking into our bed and also kissing me and rubbing my arm and back in the morning which is all very sweet but makes for really crappy sleep. And my dreams have been more crazy than usual this past week (one time we were at the cabin and parts of it kept catching on fire while we were sleeping or fires would start under the cabin and I could see the flames through the wood slats and eventually I woke Chris up to evacuate because there were also huge fires really super close like at the top of the hill and he was annoyed that I woke him up because it seemed too precautionary and not quite necessary yet) which is distracting and exhausting. Also, my electric blanket on low means I wake up too hot, but if I turn it off entirely, I wake up too cold. Oh the issues. 

Best moment this week:  enjoying food at holiday parties... Especially Moe's BBQ and pretty much everything at Shanahan's. 

Movement:  just waiting still. I think I never trust that I'm feeling it internally until I can simultaneously feel it externally. I know it'll be in the next few weeks though which is crazy exciting. 

Food cravings:  so I was really looking forward to the BBQ at Moe's Friday night and it did not disappoint. I was pretty much absolutely loving everything I put in my mouth that night. And I was worried if I'd be able to handle much at Shanahan's because I was feeling sick that night and honestly, the food was so amazing except that I wasn't completely in love with my wedge salad or either of the desserts (creme brûlée and chocolate mousse). On Monday I stopped by sprouts after Brady and Elizabeth's doctor appointments (Monday was the best I've felt in quite a while, even if my headache started by 2) and was really craving a lot of things. I mean, I bought cauliflower because I wanted it with ranch and I got potatoes for roasting and a number of other things. I also bought one of those pre made wraps (because I was hungry and knew I had to drive home, feed kids, and get Elizabeth down for a nap before I could figure out something for myself to eat and by that time, I may have a headache and nausea bad enough that I can't eat) which I never ever do because they're so overpriced and sitting out (also probably not great that it was deli meat sitting out... But add that to my medium cooked steak, blue cheese, and Camembert and I'm pretty positive my np Shirelle would have had a fit... Whoops) and I chose roar beef which is totally unlike me but completely made sense with me being pregnant. And I ate almost the entire thing in the car on the way home. Best $4 I spent that day.  In case I haven't mentioned it lately... It is such an enormous blessing to enjoy eating sometimes! It almost always happens between 11am and 1pm because that's my sweet spot of the day for eating, but with all the holiday parties and just random stuff, there are so many times that I love food and it is such a huge blessing. It makes all the difference on my morale. 

Symptoms: nausea, vomiting (I think just Sunday night and Tuesday night) backaches, physically tired and out of breath,  irritable, lazy, sad, angry at my kids, horrific acne, dandruff (I don't remember this in previous pregnancies!), and honestly, I feel like my vision is slightly blurred which I guess is a really thing but now I'm wondering if it also contributes to my headaches. 

Gender:  i keep thinking about a boy lately but I think it's just wishful thinking. When I'm thinking logically (like about what on earth to name this child), I don't ever bother looking at boy names because it would be a waste of time. I still feel confident that it's a girl but would love to be knocked off my feet. I'll be super happy either way. 

What I miss:  not feeling so crappy all the time. My default is just this hard magnetic pull to my bed. It's just this general feeling of unwell with the constant headache and nausea and sadness and fatigue, etc. 

Milestones:  i think I'm in the second trimester now so that's exciting! Things went so slow until 9 weeks but have gone pretty fast (even if not pleasantly) since then. 
Theme: the week of headaches and nausea and hallelujah for holiday party food! 
What's different this time around:  

Extra:  I'm getting super freaked out about the depression setting in more. Like I'm just waiting and watching for the crazy to take over. I frequently spend time trying to remember why I want a life with kids and why I'm having more. Sometimes I just get so sad. Also, I lose my patience with my kids and it's like a reflex that I can't control and don't know when it'll happen. It terrifies me and I spend too much of my day stressing about it. Ugh, this is going to be so rough and I'm such a wuss. I'm so scared for what's to come.