Total weight gain/loss: +6 lbs. best guess. this is so hard though because it varies so much from day to day.
Maternity clothes: yes. well, kinda. actually, i guess not. the only maternity stuff i'm wearing is what is in my regular rotation. so, a few shirts. most of what i wear is still non-maternity. i don't expect to need maternity pants for quite a while though. right now, i'm just still trying to figure out the trickiness of finding clothes that are somewhat flattering. cardigans are my best friend because otherwise my midsection looks sooo wide. it's at least double the distance/thickness from my back to my belly as it was pre-pregnancy. nothing looks good right now.
Sleep: i have weird dreams but they're not out of control. since we got back in town, brady has been scared again at night (of bad people with knives, cutting through our doors and breaking into our home... no, i have no idea where this came from) and sneaking into our bed at night, which means i sleep much less soundly and frequently wake up with headaches and not really ready to greet my day.
Best moment this week: my morning with shaylee maybe? i struggle to adjust to normal life after being in atlanta or with my parents. this helped me a lot.
Movement: just the same as what's been going on, which i don't think i've written about yet. i've been feeling feelings down there for at least two weeks but was hesitant to for sure say it was the baby. but, as was the case last night, feeling the baby ball up (from the outside) helped me confirm that what i was feeling on the inside was also baby related. i feel little swooshes and stuff. i need to ask my doctor at my appointment thursday about it though because i've also been feeling a lot of uncomfortable heaviness. like how later in pregnancy, the baby will ball up and everything is super still and hard and really uncomfortable. i've been getting a fair amount of that over the last week, but it doesn't feel "normal" because my baby is only like 4.5 inches long. i just don't remember feeling this uncomfortable in these situations until much later in pregnancy. i'm sure it's all fine, but when it's your fourth baby, its disconcerting to still be experiencing "new" things that didn't happen with your other three healthy babies.
Food cravings: i don't like thinking of what to eat or preparing food to eat or anything like that, but for the most part, i enjoy food when i eat it. especially if someone else prepares it for me. i did really, really well with my eating when i was in atlanta and for the whole two weeks, only threw up one really minor time. but being back home and preparing my own food made me realize i'm not past the morning sickness all the way yet. i've been feeling sick at night again (which i did in atlanta, but pretty minorly) and threw up on saturday night (we got back late friday night). i don't like to look in my fridge or pantry or even be in my kitchen. but shaylee fed me that great turkey burger lunch with cottage cheese and raw veggies and i thought it was all insanely delicious. also, we went to texas roadhouse on monday night and i enjoyed my food there too. i've been eating way too much chocolate and candy. not because i want it, just because the only "prep" it involves is lifting it into my mouth. what i would give for mom's cooking right now.
Symptoms: nausea and headaches every afternoon that last until i go to sleep, depression (crying and anger and apathy), some increased fatigue, acne, still occasionally feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out, weird dreams, some weird food aversions and random cravings, pure laziness, large stomach...
Gender: my gut still says girl, just because of my symptoms, but a boy would be great because apparently abigail and brady both want a boy. i'll be thrilled either way... but i'm still gonna be shocked if it's not a girl.
What I miss: not feeling so crappy about my life and being such a crappy mother. i relish the times that i feel happy or almost happy. most often, i'm just two sad thoughts away from curling up and bed and crying. i pretty much hate myself 24/7.
Milestones: i hit 16 weeks! i know it's weird, but i've always felt like 16 weeks is when you're legit. i feel like the last month has been a blur. what a happy surprise to go from sick in bed all day and feeling like it'll never end to somehow being on the "i've got a small belly and will find out the gender soon" side of it. Theme: the week of feeling movement in my belly and sadness in my heart.
What's different this time around: i'm most closely following elizabeth's pregnancy right now i think. morning sickness mostly over, but still occasionally throwing up.
Extra: i'm so glad to have hit 16 weeks! i'm officially one of those women that wishes away her pregnancy and wants it to pass as quickly and painlessly as possible. far more than even last time, i am so so stressed out by pregnancy depression. i don't really mind feeling sad (i just count down until the end of my pregnancy when i can be happy again) or apathetic, but holy cow at what a terrible mother i am. i'm mean and angry and hurtful and feel little to no affection for my kids. i still really like elizabeth because she's my baby and she's at such a cute age, but even then, i don't want to be around her. i like to watch her be cute sometimes, but i don't want to actually interact with anyone. i'm truly terrified at the emotional damage i'm causing our children and how i'm hurting my relationships with them. i keep telling chris that i don't know if i can have anymore kids. the guilt i feel every day is overwhelming. i honestly don't know if i can knowingly do this to them again. so of course this also stresses us out because we've both always wanted at least five kids. right now, my friend's daughter has agreed to be my mother's helper. she's only come twice so far (and just plays games with the kids), but i'm hoping that over time she'll come 4 days a week and be able to have a bit more responsibility with the kids. chris and i agree that we want to pay her more than the amount that she and her mom both put forward as far, and i told chris that that would be good timing to do that when we start requiring more from her. honestly, i still dream of having a live in nanny because, in an idea world, my kids would be shielded entirely from their terrible mother. but, that's not happening right now... so an after school mother's helper is the best for right now. i wish i wasn't so scared of taking medication during pregnancy. or that there was a harmless, class a drug that has been extensively tested and found to have no effects on the baby. ugh. every pregnancy, i swear to myself that i'll go on drugs the next time around. and then i can never make myself. i realize i probably sound super dramatic to anyone experiencing more significant pregnancy challenges, but i am weak and this is a big struggle for me right now. i'm most appreciative of prayers.
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| 1.4.17 at 16 weeks |
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| 1.4.17 at 16 weeks |
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| 1.4.17 at 16 weeks |
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| 1.4.17 at 16 weeks |
ps- i probably could have edited these pictures, but brady was my photographer and i thought he did a pretty okay job.
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