Total weight gain/loss: +7 or 8 lbs
Maternity clothes: yeah, same as before. just trying to find flattering clothes to wear when i go out. my stomach has grown so much in the last two weeks though, i think i'm gonna start embracing the bump and ditching the flowy shirts. cardigans, though, are here to stay for the remainder of the pregnancy i'd say. it seriously astounds me every time how wide i get from my back to my front. for some reason this time, it's been strange to me that my belly is getting bigger. maybe because i'm focusing less on a baby in me and just more with how to cope with pregnancy symptoms, but i see my belly and am just shocked that it did that (got round). i can't explain it, but i'm having the hardest time wrapping my mind around it.
Sleep: i've been doing okay with it but i can't tell i'm more tired because even if i fall asleep at 10, i can sleep until my alarm goes off at 8, and then by noon, i'm struggling to do anything more than just sit in place and stay awake. so far i've been avoiding naps, but i don't know how long i can keep that up.
Best moment this week: maybe my after school running errands with abigail date. chris came home from work early and he normally picks abigail up when he does that. this time, i asked that i could pick her up and take her to run a few errands with me. we went by the kaiser pharmacy, sprouts (this was our favorite... we both had a lot of fun), and then stopped by walmart curbside to get my to go order. i was dressed, i'd showered, i was being productive, and i was being a good mother. i genuinely enjoyed spending that time with abigail which was absolutely huge for me.
Movement: just to follow up from last week about the "balling up" movement i've been feeling. i asked my doctor about it at my appointment on thursday and she said it's contractions, which makes more sense because they feel just like contractions and i've been feeling them for weeks... like even when my baby was much smaller. she assured me that it's fine to be feeling contractions this early and that it's just because i've had all these pregnancies and that's what my uterus is doing. makes me not really look forward to how things will progress since they're already uncomfortable and holy cow it's still fresh enough in my mind how uncomfortable and painful and frequent they were during the latter part of elizabeth's pregnancy. on a happier note, even though i have an anterior placenta again (i'm pretty sure that's right... whichever is the one that puts the placenta on the front of your belly) and, consequently, can't feel a lot of the kicks and movement that is taking place, i'm still feeling a fair amount of movement... mostly on what i would describe as the outer perimeter spaces of my belly. it's exciting. i do love feeling the kicks.
Food cravings: it's hit or miss again, mostly because i don't feel like preparing anything. i was eating a ton of sweets and candy because it had literally no prep work, but my body started hating sugar so i had to quit that. tuesday, i got motivation and actually got groceries and real food, so the next night i made that zucchini garden chower (from butter with a side of bread) and it really hit the spot. not that it tasted off the charts, but my body was just so desperately wanting vegetables. also fresh fruit. that trip to sprouts was well worth it. i've had a few days of nausea though and days where just nothing sounds good. i did make a roast and potatoes (served half straight from the crockpot and make the other half into mashed potatoes and made gravy... my first time!... to go on top) on monday night and holy cow that roast hit the spot so amazingly perfectly. the next day for leftovers too. i just kept thinking that if i'd had another in my freezer, i would have put it in my crock pot right then so i could have had it again for dinner. trying to stay motivated in cooking food and eating healthy. it's not that i don't want to eat healthy foods, it's just finding the motivation and energy to shop for them and prepare them.
Symptoms: nausea and headaches most evenings that last until i go to sleep, depression (crying and anger and apathy), increased fatigue, terrible acne, still occasionally feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, weird dreams, some weird food aversions and random cravings, pure laziness, large stomach...
Gender: my gut still says girl, just because of my symptoms, but a boy would be great because apparently abigail and brady both want a boy. i'll be thrilled either way... but i'm still gonna be shocked if it's not a girl.
What I miss: not feeling so crappy about my life and being such a crappy mother. i relish the times that i feel happy or almost happy. hoping to get this under control and maybe i'll enjoy part of this pregnancy!
Milestones: i hit a wall. i was surviving okay and had a really good day last wednesday and was thinking "i'm doing it! i'm surviving!" and then thursday morning happened and everything was turned on its head. abigail had a snowday and i'd already lost my cool with abigail and brady by 8:30. by 9, i was texting chris and telling him i didn't think i could care for them today. it just wasn't pretty, but thank goodness he came home at noon and took them ice skating. i had my 16 week appointment at 4:00 and was nearly in tears in the waiting room, and trying to hold them back while i was with the nurse. as soon as she walked out of the room, i lost it. it was only a few minutes, but i was halfway through soaking my kleenex by the time shirelle walked in. honestly, 16 weeks should have been a ten minute appointment. basically just measure you and check for the heartbeat. well, shirelle spent a full hour with me... most of which i spent crying. i walked out with a prescription for zoloft and a referral for therapy. i really didn't want to go out to eat with everyone at texas roadhouse (mark and his girlfriend were in town so our family and brian's family joined them for dinner) except that i was dying for a solid meal. luckily, i was seated on the end near all the kids and didn't have to talk much at all and made it through fine without crying. it was a rough day. like heavenly father saying "good for you for feeling almost confident yesterday, but you need help and i'm gonna give you this not so gentle nudge to make sure you get it for yourself." Theme: the week of seeking help
What's different this time around: feel i'm most closely following elizabeth's pregnancy right now i think. morning sickness mostly over. sad and angry with my kids.
Extra: i'd talked to dad about my pregnancy depression while i was in georgia with him and he'd lovingly told me that he would be happy to research any medication i was considering taking. that made me feel really good because i know the information is out there, but finding correct info is harder and i'm emotionally unstable and a little biased. also, since dad is a lawyer, he's got a bit of experience doing quality research. ; ) so thursday night, i talked to dad on the phone (he called saying he was going to come out to visit me soon! i have felt so taken care of by him this pregnancy.) but couldn't bring anything up about my appointment. but an hour later, i texted him and asked if he would research zoloft for me and that my doctor suggested 25mg. he's the greatest. he got back to me on sunday night saying he felt comfortable with it. monday morning, i got online to make the request to the kaiser pharmacy, picked it up on tuesday evening, and started taking it wednesday night. it should start working within three weeks. i know there are risks for my unborn baby, but at this point, i feel like that is a far less concern than subjecting my existing children to an unmedicated mother. also, i had my first appointment with the therapist on wednesday morning. i was semi nervous about it because i've never been to therapy, but i was also kind of excited because i was motivated at finding a solution. especially because the second half of my tuesday was pretty good and i was still feeling confident from that. in the waiting room, i took the depression questionnaire (because now i'm taking it before every kaiser appointment so they can monitor how i'm doing) and i've gotta say, those are so hard. it's always like "in the last two weeks... blah blah blah" and you're options skip from never, to several times to more than half the days, to nearly every day. can i get some better in betweens?! anyway... i met with the therapist and we eased right into the appointment. conversation and questions. i was feeling okay (i mean, as okay as you can feel when you're sad and crying) until she told me about my questionnaire answers... apparently, the way i'd answered only put me at "mild." i thought that sounded about right because even shirelle at my appointment had said "your score really isn't that bad!" in a very encouraging tone. but then she continued... but i'm getting a different reading from talking to you and listening to your responses and i'd put you at the moderate-severe point instead of up here at mild. talk about depressing. when i was already depressed. as she said at the beginning of the appointment "at kaiser, we don't do long term therapy... you're not going to find a long sofa anywhere around here. we do short term therapy. it is quick and to the point and i get fast results with my patients." it's like therapy bootcamp. and let me tell you... it doesn't feel nice. also, for whatever reason, i keep feeling like she doesn't like me although i don't have a reason to feel that way and virtually never feel that way with people. i always feel like someone likes me or feels neutral so this just seems strange. during our appointment, she gave me a flier for a four week "healthy anger" class that she's teaching that starts immediately and i should go. for someone that wants to lay in bed 24/7, i'm feeling overwhelmed right now. in addition to my regular prenatal appointments, i'm starting a class c antidepressant, starting weekly therapy, and starting weekly anger management classes. i feel like such a burden asking friends for childcare so often and asking chris to come home from work so often to take care of our kids. it doesn't help that all of my appointments are a half hour away. seriously, just knock me out and wake me up when it's time to have a baby.
No comments:
Post a Comment