california, i love to find reasons to hate you

california,

what the heck?!?!  it's been cold all summer and then today it's over a hundred degrees?!?!  what kind of sick joke is this?  we are not laughing.  not me, not baby girl, not honey. 

i was at a backyard bbq on saturday.  luckily i happened to be wearing long sleeves.  most of the other people there though came in short sleeves.  i marveled at how they all knew to bring jackets, which they put on about half way through.  why should anyone in california have to wear a puffy coat with fur in late august?  oh, they shouldn't. 

our apartment doesn't have AC.  it hasn't been a problem since we moved in.  we keep windows open at night and closed during the day.  and frequently it's gotten cold enough that we've had to reverse it.  but today, it was just hot.  tonight is reminding me of our summer in the provo where i was constantly drenched in my own sweat.  between puke, poop, and perspiration (only the sweat was mine) i've changed clothes several times today.  and every time i'm sad that my new clothes only stay dry for about two seconds.

ordinarily this wouldn't be a real problem except for the fact that some like it hot, and some don't.  and baby girl, she don't like it hot.  everyone talks about that newborn/postpartum blur.  i feel like i have (minus the sleep deprivation) experienced it very mildly tonight for about six hours and it hasn't been fun.  i've felt totally out of control.  it's like i have no clue what's going to happen so i have no clue what to expect so i have no way to prepare.  i don't know if she'll go to sleep or stay asleep or want to eat or stay awake to eat or want to play or want to hang out.  i'm clueless.  poor baby is so uncomfortable, she can't sleep for more than an hour before she wakes up (and is pretty unhappy about it), but she can't really stay awake because the heat makes her sleepy, and she can't enjoy being awake because it's hotter than hades in here!

so the semi blur happened when i stopped being able to time her naps on my baby timer because she was drifting in and out of sleep so often, including in my arms.  if i can't time it on the timer then we're in trouble because baby timer = my brain.  anyways, i've tried swaddled, unswaddled, sleep in crib, sleep in basket, sleep in basket in closet under the stairs (very harry potter-esque), etc.  she falls asleep in my arms but i have about six minutes of patience for that until i put her down which wakes her up (she is so consistent about waking up when i put her down that i use it as my tactic to make sure she gets a full feeding) and then it's back to a sad and sleepy (and sweaty) baby.

and as real mothers would know, there is just a special pain you feel when you know your kid is uncomfortable.  but as we all know, there is also a special fear you feel when you anticipate a rough night ahead of you.  this is the special feeling that i'm feeling.  i haven't had any rough nights with baby girl yet.  she's never cried at night, and ever since i started letting her sleep through the night, she's never gone less than a five hour stretch.  even though it hasn't been 100%, i've gotten semi used to not having to wake up for a night feeding.  so anyways, i anticipate tonight being our worst night yet.  and i am fearful.

speaking of fearful.  while i was eating a bowl of brownie batter (it's honey's fault for not getting it in the oven fast enough) i realized that i have my six week postpartum checkup tomorrow morning and they are going to weigh me.  all of the crack brownies, mother-in-law's cookies, butter drenched bagels, lindt truffles, sugared cereals, chocolate chips, and brownie batter are all going to be quantified into three big digits on a nice clear display.  please be less than 154... if i have surpassed my pregnancy weight, i might die.

this is baby girl not napping

a little thumb sucking

thought i was kidding about the closet?  i wasn't.

but california, back to you.  you're already on my bad list.  stop making it worse.


and when i find a way to blame you for making me fat, you better believe i'm gonna pin it to you.