in highschool and college i took adderall. i don't anymore for a number of reasons including the $100/month price tag, not being safe if you are pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or nursing (which will probably always be my life for the next 10+ years) and just wanting to make the lifestyle changes/choices that will help me manage everything without the need of medication. let me just say, i was doing really well with everything until i got my new calling. i'm a wreck these days. seriously just trying to get by and not screw up anything major. the plus side is that the add is really just focused on young women stuff. so hopefully with practice i can get it under control. in the mean time, i'm just trying to stay afloat.
if my house is messy, i can not function. absolutely can not. i also get mean, snappy, and stick to my bed... mourning my messy house, and hiding under the covers too fearful to face it. tonight honey took out the trash and recycling and when he came back inside, he saw me on the floor with baby, playing with her favorite look and find book, and what did he do? he went to the sink and washed every dirty dish that had accumulated this weekend! i made my heart sing! i honestly couldn't even believe my eyes that he noticed there were dishes in the sink and that he did them without me even asking! i think my husband is fabulously attractive all the time, but i swear he is the very most attractive when he's doing the dishes. made my day. it is so very important to me to start my days with a clean house (ps- house mostly just means kitchen... it would be impossible for me to keep my entire house clean all the time... my baby makes sure of that).
today at church i realized that having at baby that loves nursery definitely comes with it's own challenges. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to the moon and back that my baby loves nursery, but it's kind of a little overboard. during sacrament meeting, baby girl did well for the first 20 minutes. after that, she kept running up the aisle to the door that leads out to the hallway. this is embarrassing because we sit up front, on the fifth row or something< and i was chasing her up the aisle to the back of the chapel every 3 minutes. i didn't want to take her in the hallway though because i was really interested in the speakers/musical number and i am determined to not make the hallway thing a habit. she's never done that before and it didn't take me too long to realize that she was trying to skip out on sacrament meeting to get to nursery. i tried to explain to her that nursery didn't start til after we said a closing prayer and i pointed out all the kids in the chapel to show her that no one was in nursery but she didn't get it. does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?
on that same nursery topic, after sacrament ended i walked her to nursery. she was walking, holding on to my left hand. my right hand was holding my huge young women binder, on which i was balancing my clutch and my scriptures. nursery has two doors. at the beginning, one is closed, and the other is open, with a baby gate in front. we accidentally walked past the closed door to the gate, but since my arms were full, i couldn't lift baby over the gate... so i told her we needed to walk to the other door. "NOOOOO! she squealed" so i tried to lift her over the gate one handed but stopped for fear of detaching her arm from her little body. so i insisted we walk back to the other door "you can go to nursery through THIS door back here...i promise!" well, a group of moms in the hallway got a big kick out of what happened next as i literally dragged my screaming, crying, tantruming baby backwards 10 feet to the other door. as soon as i got it opened and she saw it was nursery, she immediately stopped crying and ran in as happy as could be, tears still fresh on her cheeks, and never looked back. holy crap, baby. seriously?!?!
i woke up at 6:20 this morning... because i go to ward council now. it was a little nerve racking because everyone there is a real adult and i still feel like a kid. i didn't say anything the whole time until the very end when we were going over auxiliary goals and even though everyone else had several months to get their goals together and i had only had a week, i put forth some pretty awesome goals. i even spoke with confidence and the words just came. it was a triumph moment for me. but since they still haven't called a laurel adviser yet, i was in charge of teaching the laurels third hour of church. the words weren't coming, i felt so scattered i might as well have been on drugs, and there were only three girls since the rest were either out of town, dealing with a family emergency, skipping class, or some other variety of "couldn't come." it just wasn't happening. i had been so excited to share with them the joys of homemaking and our divine potential as women but seriously, it was like i was in a stuttering, stumbling haze. and then BISHOP came in. made me a million times more nervous and it made the girls comments go from sparse to none. longest 25 minutes of my life. none of the girls remembered their personal progress books so they didn't have anything to journal on and the journal paper/pens i'd brought for them were in my diaper bag that my christopher had taken out to his car. fail and fail. i think i kept repeating myself the whole time, i wasn't sharing any of the stuff i wanted to, and i think i was stuttering. who know's though because it's all foggy to me. can you tell i'm still absolutely mortified?!?! and when i got home everything came rushing to me... all of the thoughts and stories i wish i had shared and the thought of "WHY ON EARTH DIDN'T I JUST PUT BISHOP ON THE SPOT AND HAVE HIM DO IT ALL FOR ME?!?!" uuuuugggggghhhhhhh. this is the kind of the equivalent for me of that one sunday i royally screwed up leading the music in sacrament meeting. seriously, the sooner i forget about this, the happier i will be.
okay, literally, this very second, my first counselor just texted and gchatted me and told me that since it was the second sunday, the laurels were supposed to go into relief society for the third hour. SERIOUSLY?!?! it could have been avoided?!?! oh my goodness i need to get over this. forget it. forget it. forget it. i am so traumatized.
after church we ate and played and put baby down for a late (can i even call it that anymore?! it's kinda the norm these days) nap at 2 15. at 4 15 i finally let myself fall asleep thinking, "i won't have trouble sleeping tonight because baby'll wake up soon so it'll just be a short little power nap." not the case. because when i woke up at 5 45... baby was still sleeping. how does one child require so much sleep?! anyways, i blame her for not waking me up. totally not my fault.
i know i've mentioned it at least a million times before but, i am insanely in love with my electric blanket. i turn it up on high until it transforms my bed into a sauna. a dry sauna.
i've been writing this post over the course of over an hour. i need to stop taking naps.
okay... now it's been close to two. i need to stop gchatting with chelsey.
and now it's 1am and i'm going to bed. wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment