18 weeks

How far along:  18 weeks  (1.18.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +6-7 lbs

Maternity clothes:  yeah, same as before.  just trying to find flattering clothes to wear when i go out.  i've worn a fitted shirt a time or two.  i'm normally holding elizabeth though, so i still look more fat than pregnant.  it's all about posture.  anyway, i'm excited for the bump.  it's one of my favorite things about pregnancy.

Sleep:  i've had a harder time sleeping this past week and i'm gonna blame it on the zoloft.  i took it for the first time on wednesday night (and tried to skip the unisom... i thought the zoloft would make me drowsy)... that night, i felt like i was awake all night even though i know i was in and out of sleep.  since then, i've taken the zoloft in the morning and made sure the take the unisom at night. i've been able to sleep, but definitely not deeply.  sometimes i wake up during the night and can't get back to sleep.  once or twice, i've woken up early in the morning (i think friday was one of those days... i woke up at 5 or so and never went back to sleep) and just can't get to sleep again.  also, my dreams when pregnant are frequent and vivid and this week they've been even moreso.  so at night, i may be sleeping but i don't feel like it.  this is probably the most difficult part of all for me because at the end of the day, i just want to be knocked unconscious more than anything.  it hasn't too much affected my fatigue during the day.  i think i'm more tired, but honestly it feels like my body is tired and emotionally i'm completely drained... not as much that i'm just having trouble keeping my eyes open.  

Best moment this week:  umm, i don't know.  maybe friday or saturday or monday because i was kind of productive around the house? definitely not thursday or sunday... those were rough.

Movement:  still some contractions... also, lots more kicks and turns now.  especially when i'm sitting or laying down. the little kicks feel so precious.  anything else feels not that great, which of course makes me apprehensive because i'm still so, so early in this.  

Food cravings:  it's still hard to get myself to prepare food, but my body really does need the meals.  also, i'd thought that my morning sickness was coming back this week because it seemed to get worse once i hit 17 weeks, but then i turned to the zoloft side effect chart again and realized that maybe i'm in the one third of people that experience nausea from it.  so, i haven't thrown up, but finding food i want to eat is really difficult. also, even if i'm lucky enough to think of a food that sounds appealing and prepare it and eat it... chances are pretty good, i'm not going to be able to eat it anymore and will have to make sure my family eats all the leftovers. 

Symptoms: nausea and headaches most evenings that last until i go to sleep, depression (crying and anger and apathy), increased fatigue, terrible acne, still occasionally feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, weird dreams, some insomnia, weird food aversions, pure laziness, growing stomach...

Gender:  of course i'm still thinking girl, but i've been trying to be equally open to both.  i want to be mentally prepared for either one.  

What I miss:  same as last week, i miss not feeling so crappy about my life and being such a crappy mother.  i relish the times that i feel happy or almost happy. hoping to get this under control and maybe i'll enjoy part of this pregnancy! 

Milestones:  i'm officially on the journey to manage the pregnancy depression.  i started therapy (the plan for now is weekly) and 25mg zoloft last wednesday. the next day, at the recommedation of my therapist, i went to a "healthy anger" class that she's teaching.  it's a four week course and that was day one. honestly, i think all of this is probably going to be helpful in the longrun... but in the short term, it's time consuming and stressful finding childcare and scheduling and attending this stuff and dealing with side effects of the medication.  maybe this is the "it gets worse before it gets better" thing?
Theme: the week of starting help
What's different this time around:  still most closely following elizabeth's pregnancy right now i think.

Extra:  it's hard that i don't feel like i've had a good, "i enjoyed that!" sort of day in a long time, but i do feel like it's really great that all of my days aren't terrible.  i think that would wear me down very quickly.  i had a rough day on thursday. i was exhausted from no sleep the night before and just mentally drained before i even got out of bed.  then chris got home at 3:30 so i could go to the anger management class that i really didn't want to go to and i know chris wasn't really thrilled about having to leave work at 3 for that either.  but i went to the class.  i was anxious the whole time for her to hurry up through the material because i knew i had to leave early.  class was supposed to be from 4:15-5:30 but it didn't really start til closer to 4:20, and she didn't really start teaching til maybe 4:25 and then chris texted and asked if i could actually be home at 5:40 so he could be to the stake center for sure on time by 6 for the bishopric trainging and so i had to leave at 5:10 and really only got 40 minutes of learning in.  also, when i came out, everything was covered in snow (that was fast) and traffic was way worse than i thought it would be so i was super stressed the whole drive home because i knew i was running late. i didn't get home til probably 5:55 and so chris i made chris late anyway and i spent 2.5 hours of my time and a lot of inconvenience to us both just so i could get 40 minutes of class. it was all hugely frustrating. i sat around for a long time while the kids played, put them to bed, and then put me to bed.  i was soooo done with the day.

friday was fine.  abigail had a teacher workday so i took the kids to the library for story time. it was good.  

saturday i took care of the kids that morning while chris was at a baptism and then he took abigail and brady to lollipop park while i stayed home and did a million loads of laundry and general cleaning up around the house.  our house went from disaster to not that bad so it was a success, but honestly, it was mentally and physically hard to do when i just didn't have the motivation for it.  it wasn't gratifying like it normally would have been.  

sunday, i thought i was doing an okay job except that i lost my patience with brady at one point.  i got us all ready for church and was doing mostly okay.  i was taking deep breaths and talking to elizabeth/myself as we walked from the car "we're doing it.  we're doing okay.  we made it.  we made it to church.  we made it to 11:00.  i haven't really screwed up today... well just once, but i'm doing okay.  we made it."  as we walked in church, i realized that maybe i needed a minute to take another deep breath or two.  i tried to send the kids in by themselves to sit down, but the family that saves us seats every week was nowhere to be found.  it was embarassing as my kids just stood in the aisle but eventually they walked back to me.  i walked them to the second row of the overflow and i could feel my body getting hot and almost like tunnel vision and just a sort of panic about the situation but i thought it was just because i was embarrassed.  the kids were confused why they were sitting there and why i wasn't staying but, honestly, i just turned around and left them there.  in the foyer, i knew i was going to cry and needed somewhere private to calm down.  i turned to the right where the little one room bathroom is, but my friend sara was standing there (i assume one of her kids was inside) and i semi tried to smile (on the verge of tears) and turned.  then i walked as fast as i could through the crowded hallway (the other ward was between blocks) to the other side of the building where the women's restroom was.  still holding elizabeth, i locked us in the handicap stall and instantly was bawling.  like crying super hard and out of control.  but then i realized that it was so loud because i was gasping for breath.  and then i realized that i wasn't feeling super sad or emotional and i wasn't even really crying so much as just hyperventilating.  and there i stayed for probably fifteen minutes, trying to catch my breath.  i was kind of sit leaning against the corner wall but i couldn't put elizabeth down and i couldn't sit anywhere myself and at one point i was hot and cold and feeling lightheaded and my arms were starting to tingle and i kept thinking "you're so stupid... you're hyperventilating and you're gonna pass out and then who's around to help elizabeth? no one!" so i knew i needed to get myself somewhere else. eventually my breathing calmed down enough that i didn't sound like i was drowning and i rushed through the (now mostly empty) hallway to get to the mother's lounge.  there was only one girl in there (from the other ward) nursing her little baby and i just put elizabeth down and then i could finally sit.  my breathing was still really bad and eventually the girl offered to help me.  so i asked for her phone so i could google something (i'd left my purse with the kids when i told them to sit down) and she handed it over with google already opened. i googled and tried to read if i was experiencing a panic attack and what to do.  then kristina came in to nurse her baby and of course wanted to help.  i initially just said "will you go check on my kids? i left them a long time ago.  just check that they're still there."  she came back and said they were sitting with the leavitts (an older couple... sally was our realtor) and then she asked what was going on so i tried to explain to her (through my panting breathing) what happened.  she's a nurse so she checked my pulse and was asking me questions and then eventually, sara came in (with no baby) and rushed to me and knelt by my side all "how far along are you, darling?"  kristina didn't know i was pregnant until this experience and i don't think sara knew unless someone told her.  but i'd had this talk with sara several months ago about how i was scared of getting pregnant again because of the pregnancy depression and we had a good talk about it.  so, as she put it, "when i saw you leave the chapel, i knew something was wrong."  so maybe someone had told her previously that i was pregnant (i know it's making its way around), but maybe she just saw that i was troubled and knew that that must be it.  or maybe both.  either way, what a good friend to literally leave sacrament meeting to search the building for me. she had a take charge attitude. she got wet paper towels for me to wipe my face and she wiped my neck and upper back.  she asked me questions like what i'd eaten so far that day (milk, chips ahoy, and chocolate chips) and how i'd slept that night (crappy) and what my previous day was like (busy with housework) and checked my pulse and helped me put my head in front of me and calm my breathing.  against my will, she and kristina had kristina's husband retrieve chris from the stand (as if it wasn't enough of a scene that my kids couldn't find their seats, i left immediately, and then i never returned).  i'm glad he wasn't conducting or anything.  so then chris came in the mother's lounge to get me, sara gave him a whole list of instructions (give her protein and make her put her feet up and stay in bed and rest for the whole remainder of the day, have her call her doctor about this immediately to cut down the dose or break the dose up to be taken at two times during the day instead of one) and we walked to the car.  sara got my purse for me and the leavitts had brought the kids in the hallway to see us (abigail especially, was very concerned).  we had abigail and brady stay with them and we took elizabeth with us.  i got in bed immediately when we got home.  chris took care of elizabeth and brought me chicken noodle soup.  my breathing was calmed down to normal by noon... i think it helped being in my own bed... also, it was exactly an hour after it started... about time to get the breathing under control.  i stayed in bed for the whole rest of the day except to put elizabeth to bed sometime around 8.  i didn't sleep... just rested.  abigail came in a few times to give me hugs and kisses and tell me she hoped i would feel better.  when i checked my texts, i had messages from three friends.  mary apologized that she didn't grab my kids to sit on her row with her family when they initially walked in and couldn't find a seat.  sara was checking on me.  and kristina was also checking on me and told me that her parents would bring abigail and brady home.  so taken care of.  i really don't hang out with anyone just for fun anymore (i feel like we're just all too busy and i don't make it a priority), but i do know that when i need anything, i have a whole bunch of people that have my back.  chris ended up putting elizabeth down for nap at one and then going back to the church for a few things and bringing abigail and brady home.  he took care of all of them the whole day.  what a lifesaver.  

monday was fine.  it was mlk day. chris was going to go to his dentist appointment and then to work, but he came home after his appointment and just stayed at home with us.  thank goodness.  i think he was looking out for me.  the kids played a lot inside, outside in the snow, and across the street at emma's house.  chris and i did cleaning projects around the house (i conquered a lot of paper clutter that abigail brings home from school) and i made chicken broccoli braid for dinner.  at 5:15, abigail came home, chris got elizabeth up from nap, we all ate dinner.  and then... we had a family movie party and all watched aladdin together. i think i was the last person asleep (i pretty much always am) and i was out by 9:30. so... on paper, not a bad day.  i didn't feel super happy at all, but i definitely stayed afloat.  

tuesday, also fine.  i got abigail to school.  got the rest of us to elizabeth's child find appointment.  it went really well.  she qualified for speech therapy. we all ate lunch and then i put elizabeth down for a nap, a show for brady, and to bed for me.  

my days are pretty up and down but honestly, something that's helping me so much right now is that mom and dad booked tickets out to come see me next month.  they were going to visit one weekend in feb, but then i found out that chris would be out of town the following weekend (also, a holiday weekend when abigail would have friday and monday off of school) and so they changed their dates and booked tickets for that weekend so they can be there with me while chris is away.  this has given me so much comfort since i'm not dreading that weekend anymore and also that i just can think of this and it makes me feel so loved and taken care of.  they're the best.