putting it out there

soon, i swear, (i know i've been saying that for a while) i will post all of my weekly pregnancy posts from this pregnancy so far.  i think i've only posted two maybe that i've written.  i wasn't posting them at the beginning because i hadn't announced my pregnancy yet (i mean, most people i know still don't know... i never made a big announcement).  and then i posted one or two that i wrote.  but then i wrote one last week and didn't post it on purpose... and same with the one that should have gone up yesterday.  i didn't post them because they felt too personal.  too vulnerable.  that was weird for me to realize because i really don't screen things for this blog.  what i think, i write, and then i post.  occasionally i'll go back and change something or clarify something because i don't want it to come off inaccurate to whoever is reading or i want to be sensitive if i know someone reading might take offense or sadness about something i've said.  but the thing is, i really don't screen things to protect myself and this time i did.  but after thinking about it for the past week and talking to a couple people, i've decided to keep posting my pregnancy posts.

i haven't cared before about posting about my weight gain or my stretch marks (i got sooo many the first time around) or pictures of how big i get, or even last pregnancy about being depressed.  but this time around, i'm even more depressed... and it's affecting my life even more dramatically.  and i'm getting help for it.  and for some reason, that part has been hard for me.  for some reason, it has felt really embarrassing although i hate saying that because if anyone else in this position said that, i would quickly assure them that there's never anything embarrassing about seeking help for a medical condition. but still.  i write my posts and then read them and think "who is this?!" and can't bring myself to post anything.

so, for a while i didn't really blog because i was busy with three kids.  then i didn't blog because i was busy with morning sickness and throwing up.  and now i haven't been blogging because i'm busy trying to get help and manage my pregnancy depression.  so i just wanted to put that out there.  i don't have any secrets to hide anymore.