i'm an optimist

and an idiot.

an optimistic idiot.

last night brady went to sleep just great without his swaddle and i was loving life.  but of course he woke up at midnight or something (his night time sleep has been sucking even worse than usual since we got back from atlanta and lately he's been waking probably every 2-3 hours during the night.  seriously, what is up with this kid?!?!) and instead of all out crying, he was just fussing a bit.  so i thought to myself, "i wonder if he would be able to cry it out/go to sleep without nursing alright without a swaddle because he'd be able to move more and get his binky if it fell out" and so i let him keep fussing.  but then it turned to an on/off cry that lasted for 30 minutes and then stopped.  score!  he fell back asleep!  that was easy!

not the case.  he hadn't fallen back asleep.  i know this because he started crying again like three or four minutes later.  anyways, i let him cry off and on until something like 1:30 (going in to give him a binky a time or two) when i was a tired, guilty mess and i nursed him and got him back to sleep (with one arm swaddled).  the other night feedings were pretty typical although he seemed more awake than usual and had some anxiety about going back in his crib each time.  this morning he refused to take a nap.  just would scream in his crib... even fully swaddled with a binky.  he would even start crying just if i walked in his room with him (that used to be the case when he was younger and was a nightmare to get to sleep) and even just stepping over the threshold of his room, i could feel his breathing accelerate before he went into full panic mode. 

so at 12:45... FOUR WHOLE HOURS after he'd woken up for the day, i finally got him to sleep by swaddling his one arm, rocking and nursing him, and then keeping my hand on his belly while he fell asleep in his crib.  and then he woke up a whopping hour and fifteen minutes later.  an entire hour shorter than his typical naps.  his morning wake times the past two weeks have been 30 minutes or less... almost just like a night feeding.  before that they were at least an hour and a half but i think lately he's just been in a growth spurt or needing more sleep or something so i've just been rolling with it.  anyways, four hours in an insanely long time to be awake.  and the fact that it was followed by a short nap didn't help anything.  after 2.5 hours i put him down for another nap.  same as before, swaddled one arm and rocked and nursed him in the glider before putting him in his crib.  i stood in the room (with my back to him) for a minute or two before i left and he fell asleep without crying.  but it was only 45 minutes long.  and so now it's 5:30 and my kid has only slept for 2 hours today.

which brings me to my next issue that he's crazy fussy and needy even when he's awake.  i think it's probably a mix of exhaustion from sleep deprivation and fear that i'm going to abandon him again.  at this point, those are both very legitimate reasons to be crabby and anxious.  i know... it could be a complete coincidence that his terrible day is following the night i let him cry (i mean, his monday was pretty terrible too) but i'm inclined to think it's more cause and effect.  i mean, he's fussing or grunting or crying if i'm not holding him (standing up) and even with a binky in his mouth, it's just not always enough.  after hours on end of grunting and crying and yelling from this boy, i've got a serious headache and am wondering how i ever survived his formative months because it used to be worse than this.  all day, every day.  and night actually.

the problem that comes from this?  i'm tired from not getting to sleep until 2am, i'm worn out from only having so little time to myself today, i'm dealing with this awful headache from the constant crying, and i'm taking it out on abigail.  twice today i've yelled and made her cry.  probably a half hour after i apologized when i was still heavily wracked with guilt (still am), i asked her if i made her happy.  "yeah, but sometimes you make me sad."

my heart is broken.

so today goes down as a serious parenting fail.  i'm just trying to rip off the bandaid so to speak, and teach my kid sleeping habits that will make us both happy.  instead, i'm making them cry and giving them major attachment issues.  lose, lose, lose for everyone involved.  who entrusted me with these kids anyways?!

tomorrow will be better, right?

i swear it can't possibly be any worse.