32 weeks

How far along:32 weeks (4.26.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +23 lbs 

Maternity clothes:  just some maternity shirts still and i've worn my old navy maternity dress once. my smallest skinny jeans are great with a hair tie through the button hole. my jeans with the fringed ankle are absolutely perfect the first time i wear them after they've been washed.  after that, they slide down but still fit. I tried my favorite maternity skinnies again yesterday but they're still so big and slide all over and are constantly falling off.  i just keep thinking of 60 year old men that have a bit of a gut and their pants are always sliding off because their belly is big and they can't pull their pants up higher.  i have full sympathy for them now because that's me.  every day.  

Sleep:  it's still the same as before.  super crazy and exhausting dreams.  never feeling like my sleep is restful at all.  typically waking up feeling tired still. not sure what caused the change, but a couple weeks ago, i stopped waking up during the night.  or at least when i wake up, i'm able to just turn over and go back to sleep.  i don't chug a glass of milk and go to the bathroom. so technically, i'm sleeping through the night, but of course i'm still tired, no matter how many hours i get.  

Best moment this week:  that's definitely saturday morning.  we woke up to snow.  the kids were so excited.  an hour or two later, they got on snow gear to go build a snowman.  they came in a few minutes later requesting honey's help.  he was all "uhh, there's no snow."  i'm like "honey, they got their snow gear on themselves and they're so excited for the snow after it being so warm for so long... go out there with them and build a snowman!" eventually, a kid came in requesting that i go to the basement to get our snowman stuff (the little bucket of plastic coal, buttons, carrot nose, scarf, etc)... as i walked past a window (this was the first time i'd actually gotten out of bed), i saw that there was seriously no snow left and i started laughing.  later, chris came in with pictures of our yard (with no snow) and the tiniest little snowman (which apparently took all the snow from our yard and the neighbor's yard) and i laughed so hard that my tears kept falling in my cereal bowl and at a couple points, i was having trouble breathing.  i couldn't even tell you how long this lasted because it kept going and going and then coming back for more.  i honestly can't remember the last time i laughed so hard and for so long... i'm sure it's been years.  it was insane and incredible.  for real, one of the funniest experiences of my entire life.  not sure why, but that really did it for me.  i have such a good husband.

Movement:  still lots of kicks and punches! over the last week, it has seemed to slow down a bit (like it's not so constant), but it is still very strong and uncomfortable.  also, i feel like when he does move, it's basically a five year old kid on swim team trying to learn how to do a flip underwater at a pool wall like the olympic swimmers do. like all the sudden, everything is flailing and shifting and it feels like something is going to get lodged in my ribs at the same time as another limb might poke itself out of my lower regions. and there are the still frequent, but less noticeable soft bumps and stuff.  also, more and more contractions.  they don't feel nice.  nothing feels nice on my belly.  chris and the kids are magnets for it or for snugging or laying on me, but really, even not during contractions, it just is sensitive.  i don't really want people to be near me but brady and elizabeth pretty much think we should all be intertwined constantly so that's a struggle.  especially that elizabeth wants to sit on my belly.  or stand on it.  no, child.  just stop. 

Food cravings:  i have completely stopped even thinking about making dinner.  like i used to at least entertain the thought of making something and then i'd just sit outside and watch the kids ride bikes instead.  now, i don't even think about it and i don't feel much guilt about it either.  i'm getting way picker with my food.  raisin bran was cutting it for a long time but now it somewhat works but also just grosses me out.  lately, i've been eating two eggs over easy served on a slice of toasted grandma sycamore's bread.  and then i normally make one more egg because i'm still hungry and eat that on a slice or half slice of toast.  the kids now all like eggs over easy as well and so does chris so it's a full family affair.  it's been at least two weeks since i've made scrambled eggs or egg salad sandwiches, but i've been eating eggs over easy nearly every day.  i just eat the one main meal.  aside from that, i eat a lot of chocolate, candy, bread and butter (in various forms), and apples.  it's not the most well rounded diet, but as long as i get in that one solid meal with eggs, i feel pretty okay.  if i forget to feed myself then i get nauseous by evening.  

Symptoms:  mild depression that's almost totally under control with zoloft, very increased fatigue (emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way i can feel fatigue.... i have it all), still sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super crazy weird dreams, sometimes waking during the night for no reason at all, growing stomach.  also, headaches amd nausea again lately, mostly in the evenings and at night but sometimes earlier in the day too.  i'm still having that back pain (unrelated to pregnancy).  it's been at least a month so far, so i'm hoping it'll be gone within another few weeks because that's how long those flair ups normally are.  but it's manageable right now so that's good.  and my contractions are continuing to be more frequent and pronounced. 

Gender:  i'm still in occasional denial and have to remind myself that this is a boy. still undecided on a first name although i have my pick and that's what keeps coming to my head when i'm thinking of or referring to this little kid. is it terrible that i just keep assuming that we won't talk about it and then chris will just go with my name? that just seems like what he'll do.  also, i keep wondering when they'll do another ultrasound (y'know, at the end to check positioning) so confirm it's a boy.  i need that confirmation.

What I miss:  still same as before... sometimes i'm just sad that i don't want to hang out with my kids more or that i don't feel as much love and affection for them as i should. also, it's kind of a time suck that i need so much sleep. i feel like i don't get much alone time because i need so much sleep and there's not time for both. i also miss having any energy.  i'm just so tired all day.  i have to use quiet time each day for myself.  like i have to definitely be in my bed and enjoy the quiet or take a nap (so so tired all the time)... i'm definitely not going to be doing anything productive.  i did randomly pick up bringing up bebe from the library maybe a week and a half ago and have actually been reading it.  it's kind of really boring, but it's just what i need because it helps me zone out to a place where i don't have to think or feel at all.  also, i like that most of the parenting endorsed in the book is what i do/how i feel.  now if only my kids were showing the great results of that!  i hate always feeling overwhelmed though.  like i don't want to think about anything post baby coming.  configuring carseats in the van or configuring bedrooms or sleeping arrangements upstairs, or anything really.  i don't even want to think about packing for our trip to utah next week or the trip to san diego immediately after that and especially not about the scheduling and planning i need to do to prep for lisa coming to watch my kids.  i AM looking forward though to after all those things are over and lisa is just staying at my house to play for a week.  i'm excited for that part.  i have so much to do though and i chose not to think about it.  i just lay in bed and read a book and try to zone out of life.  mentally and physically, i'm just incapable of everything. 

Milestones: i'm starting to get comments from people that ask me if i'm just done being pregnant or if i'm reading for my baby to just be here and all those comments make me panic hardcore because (see above), i can't handle anything. i'm really not sure how i'm going to get through the next two months with the amount of denial i have going on right now but i'm sure it'll be interesting. i need more time. and more energy and brainpower. how did i get so far that everyone is ready for me to be finished with my pregnancy?! yikes, i'm not ready for this.
Theme: the week of being tired 24/7... i neeeeed naps. although i probably only get like two or three in a week.
What's different this time around: maybe it feels like it's own pregnancy finally! i'm experiencing the severe fatigue like i did with abigail and the apathetic/depressive sorts of moods like i did with elizabeth, and i'm just watching the time fly by like it did with brady. so just taking a bit from each and this pregnancy is actually feeling uniquely different and new to me right now.

Extra: it's crazy how lazy i am. i've been craving rice krispy treats for months (because i always love them, pregnant or not), but don't ever ever make them because i just can't seem to get my act together before the rice krispies get eaten. and then i buy more and it happens again. we had a home teacher bring over rice krispy treats a month or so ago just randomly (it's the only time he's come to our house... our dutiful home teacher from before stopped coming a year ago when chris got called out of elder's quorum) and i thought "wow, heavenly father really does hear and answer our prayers... how else could these rice krispy treats just magically show up on my doorstep?!" it was great. but seriously, i need to make some.

also, i'm just so tired these days. mentally and emotionally, everything is just HARD. so is standing up for any length of time. it seems to make me light headed and out of breath and it's an uncomfortable sensation. i've been a lot more forgiving of myself this pregnancy with my eating habits and laziness. this fourth kid is just no joke... and that i'm in my 30's this time around. so, that's part of the reason for the lack of pregnancy posts/pictures. also, the apathy that comes with the depression. i'm a mess. ; )