pregnancy for child #5

1.10.21

Well I’m shocked to be writing this… 

I’m pregnant.

After we had Andrew, I wasn’t excited about having a 5th kid, even though that was always our plan.  I was just feeling so absolutely low and overwhelmed and discouraged about motherhood.  After I quit nursing Andrew, for a few months, Chris and I purposely prevented pregnancy… and then we went to actively trying to get pregnant.  I don’t get pregnant easily.  Getting pregnant with Andrew so fast was an absolute lucky fluke.  So, we tried and tried and weren’t getting pregnant.  Then we just didn’t try and didn’t prevent and still didn’t get pregnant.  Around this time, I was getting very concerned about the potential age gap between Andrew and a younger child.  I mean, this was the first time I’d ever had my youngest turn two without already being pregnant with another kid.  And then, somehow, my youngest turned three and I still wasn’t pregnant.  Once we hit the point where Andrew was 3 and 3 months (where an age gap would be 4 years… my age gap with Walter), I quickly lost motivation and convinced myself it would be good for us to call it quits at 4. I even talked to Christopher sometime in November I think and said “doesn’t it just finally feel like maybe it’s just time for us to be done?” He was kind of sad, but totally agreed.  I mean, Andrew is an active little boy but I feel like he’s pretty mature for his age.  It just feels like we’re totally out of that baby stage.  In December, I started thinking to myself… I need to talk to Christopher sometime about our pregnancy prevention plan.  In Florida, at the end of December, I was thinking I was late (although I’m not super consistent so it’s not like it was 100%… but I was suspecting something might be up.  Especially the last day there, I remember a moment where I thought, "I really need to talk to honey…uhh, if I’m not already pregnant.” We flew home on Thursday the 7th. Going to the bathroom before we got in the car to leave for the airport, I just knew I would have to take a pregnancy test when we got home from our trip. At the airport, we were walking to the gate and I texted Lisa about it.  I asked if she would be available around midnight to offer me emotional support.  At home, I was immediately busy getting kids to bed, but then also looking at the flooring/baseboad/paint progress in our kitchen. When I needed to pee, I thought, “I never took a test!” Christopher was already asleep so I knew I was safe (I really didn’t want to bring him into this if there was nothing actually going on). I prayed for peace as I carried a test into the bathroom.  As the liquid moved across, I thought, “what?! Is that a line?! Oh, yeah, not a line… just the pee moving across. Oh wait, um yes, there’s a line.  Oh wow, two lines. OH. MY. GOSH. Seriously?!?!” And then I sat there for a long time not really believing it.  And chuckling a little.  And also asking Heavenly Father “do you seriously trust me with another one?!?!” And just more disbelief and wow wow wow oh my gosh.  I left the bathroom to take a picture with my phone and when I picked it up… there was my text from Lisa from 7 minutes prior.  She must have texted me at the exact moment I was taking the test.  Crazy.  But not surprising.  I am SO thankful she was there when I needed her.  I mean, I felt calm, but I also tried not to really think about the implications of this because, while it may be worth it, I can forecast a lot of challenges.  Did Heavenly Father know we were going to call it quits and he just needed to get his foot in the door before it was too late? Right now, it’s Sunday night and I’m coming up on 72 hours of knowing (also, SUCH a huge mind trip that I was pregnant for so long with no idea!) and I’m marveling at how differently I feel right now than all previous pregnancies where I was absolutely consumed with fear of miscarriage.  I don’t have that right now.  Because my heart had already come to peace with just the four kids.  Also, I’m a little bit like “okay! I realize I have zero control over this situation” because all along, my biggest thing was not having an age gap between my last two children… and here we are.  So, this age gap will be just a few weeks different than my age gap with buddy. I only saw Christopher for a minute on Friday morning (he was running late and stressed about it) so I didn’t tell him til later that night. He still seemed stressed after work so I gave him some space but then told him when he was about to leave on his run.  I said “hey, wanna see something crazy?” As I pulled a folded cardboard paper from my closet shelf.  I opened it up and let him see the two positive pregnancy tests.  I’m sure his thoughts and emotions were just like mine.  He said he needed some time to think about it and wrap his head around it.  Man, you and me both. Side note… I’m sure I’m crazy for it, because six kids is no joke, but I’m kinda hoping for twins so I don’t have one lone youngest kid. I mean, I realize I could just have another kid quickly after, but my track record isn’t good and I don’t want to be pregnant when I’m 42. 

6 weeks

How far along:   6 weeks  (1.12.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117

Maternity clothes:  No. Just the same stuff I always wear.

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  i've had some vivid dreams.  and some of those times when i know i'm sleeping but it feels like i'm awake.  i call this "airplane sleep" because it's about the same feeling and quality that i get when i try to sleep on a plane.  i've also had trouble sleeping if i wake up early in the morning.  it's like christmas day and i'm just anxious and excited and can't go back to sleep.

Best moment this week:  fumm, finding out? I don’t know. It’s such a whirlwind. Also, it’s incredible that I don’t feel pregnant at all… I mean, I know it’s still early, but I’ll take every second of normality I can get!  

Movement:  it's a long way off.  

Food cravings:  so far, everything seems normal!

Symptoms: acne. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches, lack of appetite, and other things like that… but so far, nothing has been amplified. 

Gender:  I have given this very little thought. Not sure I have a preference with this.

What I miss:  feeling like I had even a tiny bit of a grip on my life.  Turns out, I’m 35 and still flying by the seat of my pants.

Milestones:  i got a positive pregnancy test!  That’s a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy, right?!
Theme: the week of trying to not think about it, but also wrap my head around it.
What's different this time around:  with abigail, i felt sick instantly at 4 weeks, 3 days.  with brady, i felt 100% fine until 6 weeks.  This is like Brady… I feel totally fine and normal. Like I can even periodically forget I’m pregnant!

Extra:  I just can’t believe it.  I’m sure curious what my future is going to look like.  Where’s a magic 8 ball when I need it? 

11 weeks

How far along:   11 weeks  (2.19.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117

Maternity clothes:  No. Just the same stuff I always wear. But I wear leggings and joggers a lot because I don’t go anywhere. 

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night. 

Best moment this week:  I don’t know. Nothing stands out to me. 

Movement:   Nope. 

Food cravings:  so the last month has been tricky with food but I think it’s getting better. I basically just eat whatever I think I can handle. This morning it was Doritos at 9:30... which thinking about it right now makes me feel sick. 

Symptoms: acne, nausea, lack of appetite, fatigue, constant headache. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches, 

Gender:  no idea, but I’ve been hoping for a boy. Because Andrew is a boy and will be this kid’s closest sibling. 

What I miss:  feeling any sort of motivation or regular happiness. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time  like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house. 

Milestones:  i don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve felt so much better the last few days that I’m hoping the worst of the morning sickness is behind me. I mean, I’m still throwing up about twice a week, but I’m not feeling like I have a stomach bug and my food aversions seem to be lessening. 
Theme: the week of realizing that my lack of doing anything is more related to apathy than sickness. 
What's different this time around:  I don’t know and don’t have any motivation to look it up. Just taking each day one at a time. I think the most noticeable thing is just that I’m less excited for this pregnancy than the others. I’m so over it. I realize that my 2007-2009 self would hate me for saying this, but honestly, I’ve done it four times and I think that makes it worse. I also know I’m going to be depressed (and already feel it coming on) and i can’t even explain the impending doom that feels like. Like watching a train wreck. So... again, one day at a time and I’m terribly ungrateful. 

Extra:  I should fill this in later... we’ll see. 

23 weeks

How far along:   23 weeks  (5.13.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 15 lbs if you count me starting this pregnancy at 115.

Maternity clothes:  I got out a few things maybe a month ago.  I wear all of my regular stuff for the most part, but if I want to look more put together, I’ll wear a maternity top instead of my usual jeans and t shirt. I’m still wearing all my normal pants, but some of them are pretty uncomfortable at the waist so my options will only continue to lessen.

Sleep:  not the best.  My dreams are out of control strange and stressful and I wake up each morning feeling exhausted.  

Best moment this week:  I had a good mother’s day! 

Movement:   So much. And contractions.  Contractions started at the end of the first trimester. I think official kicks and things started around 18 weeks? I think it was slightly later than a few other pregnancies.  I love feeling all the movement though… it’s so calming but entertaining. 

Food:  so much better than first trimester.  The last time I threw up was a few days before I had surgery (march 8) which was such a huge tender mercy that I never threw up post surgery. I think that was 13 weeks.  I still don’t love food, but I can manage just fine.  A lot of times, the idea of eating is much worse than actual eating, and if I just make myself get started, then I’m fine to continue. 

Symptoms: so many headaches.. most days I’m fine, and by afternoon or evening, I have a headache and just feel crappy and frequently sick to my stomach. Not like first trimester sick, but enough that I’m just done for the day. Depression. I feel like it partially came on gradually, but then also noticeably tanked around 20 weeks. So my anger and irritability has been only getting worse over the last month.  Crying spells have been only around once a week, so that’s good.  I upped my Zoloft dose from a half pill to a whole pill probably ten days ago. Still so hard to not get frustrated with my kids. I’ve even been getting offended by or frustrated with Christopher and that almost never happens. I have to frequently remind him “I’m mentally unstable right now and don’t you forget it.”  Because if I say something rude, I don’t want him to think that I truly mean it. The best thing I can do for all of this is to be direct, but calm with Christopher.  With the kids, the best thing is just to remove myself from the situation.  Hand things over to jess or to Chris and just sit in my bed and think about something else.  Over the last couple days, I’ve even been getting annoyed at Andrew when it’s just the two of us.  I’m not sure if he’s just extra needy or if it’s me being irritable… it just seems like he needs me or wants me to be there constantly. Today was better thankfully.

Gender:  Woohoo! It’s a boy!!! I’m so excited. The day following the ultrasound, I got out 8 bins of girl clothes and stuff and had jess take everything she wants. Out with it all.

What I miss:  feeling normal energy levels or regular happiness. I’ve felt a lot of days of “empty.” I’m the kind of person that never gets bored because my internal monologue just entertains me every second of the day.  So feeling so empty lately has felt so strange and terrible.  There’s nothing that I want to google or learn more about.  No one I want to talk to.  Nothing I want to do.  Nothing I want to eat (or if I do make myself eat some candy or chocolate or something, it’s just unfulfilling and it all feels blah).  And when I’m actually doing something, I’m brain is all “what’s the point? Why? This is so stupid.”  It all feels meaningless.  I hit a very low point Saturday before last.  Had some thoughts of Christopher needing to hire jess for more hours as well as find someone else to care for all of the kids after this baby is born.  I realized I wasn’t picturing myself in that life and that stopped me in my tracks.  It made me think of Andrew’s pregnancy when I told the therapist that I wasn’t suicidal because I didn’t want to kill myself… I just wanted to be unconscious/nonexistent/etc. and she told me those were still considered suicidal thoughts.  So that was good that I was able to call out that thinking and I’ve tried to be extra aware of it since then.

Milestones:  I’m large.  People I haven’t seen in a long time say hi and then alternate eye contact with me and my belly until I tell them I’m pregnant.  The beginning of pregnancy is long gone…we are firmly in the thick of it. 

Theme: the week of I don’t know… I’ve always hated this question. Five pregnancies and I don’t know how it’s still here.  
What's different this time around:  I think I’m still most closely following Elizabeth and Andrew’s pregnancies. Biggest difference is just that I care less.  I normally can’t remember exactly what week I am, but I can get within one or two of the correct answer.  I haven’t done any planning or thinking ahead.  I even keep thinking about stuff in the fall and forgetting to factor in that I’ll have a new baby.  I’m basically just knowing that things will continue to get harder and I’m waiting for time to pass. 

Extra:  I feel a little guilty I haven’t been doing this weekly like I did with every other pregnancy, but honestly, it is really similar to the others, it’s just my attitude that is different this time around.  Also, having jess.  Having jess has helped my mental state more than I can say.  Takes away so much guilt about housework/cooking/cleaning and, most importantly, gives me the freedom to walk away from situations where I feel my anger and frustration rising with the kids. This has prevented so many bad situations which prevents all of the guilt and crying that normally follow all those bad situations.  She is worth her weight in gold. 

37 weeks

How far along:   37 weeks  (8.20.21)

Total weight gain/loss: 21-23.5 lbs… it varies a lot.

Maternity clothes:  I have a few shirts that are long enough, my few maternity dresses, and my giant non-maternity jeans that I’ve been wearing this whole time.  I should get out my maternity skinnies to get me through these last few weeks.

Sleep:  not awesome but not terrible.  I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night. I’m at the point where my hips hurt from sleeping on my side. I go to the bathroom at some point every night.

Best moment this week:  maybe my “baby shower” favorite things party. Candice asked if she could throw me a shower and I asked if she could throw me a girls night instead. She is wonderful.

Movement:   Never ceasing movements. Just kidding… sometimes they stop, but holy cow are they interesting to feel. Also hiccups the last few weeks have been in different spots all around my belly. I’ve tried so hard to learn belly mapping but I’m 100% lost… I really feel like it should be easier than what it is.

Food cravings:  sometimes I really don’t want to eat, but most of the time I’m fine. I mean, I rarely love it, but I’m not struggling.  I drink a lot of milk and a fair amount of chocolate milk.  Jess made dinner and the pan roasted green beans and potatoes were to die for… I could not get enough.  I’ve also enjoyed airheads sour ribbons and bright crawlers this week.  And raisin bran. 

Symptoms: a lot of contractions.  I mean, I’ve been getting contractions since 12 or 13 weeks, but they’ve increased the whole pregnancy, and of course within the last two weeks. Bending over or changing positions (like getting up from sitting down) brings them on consistently. They don’t feel comfortable, but that’s honestly been the case for at least a month now.  Not painful, but definitely not comfortable. Also normal stuff like physical and mental fatigue, lack of motivation, some headaches and lack of appetite… just normal stuff.  I will say though that my skin has been so perfectly clear the last few months and that’s been amazing. I thought it was just during the 5 weeks we were in Atlanta, north Carolina, and South Carolina, but it’s stayed clear even since we got back.  I wouldn’t say I’m my usual self, but I don’t cry regularly or experience the extreme anger and depression and guilt and hate for my kids and myself that I did during Andrew’s pregnancy.  I 100% attribute this to jess. 

Gender:  so thankful for a boy. Just need to finalize a name...

What I miss:  feeling any sort of motivation. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time  like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house. Thank goodness for jess.  She has truly been the biggest lifesaver this pregnancy and having her help with kids and cooking and cleaning has 100% been the biggest game changer. I have done a really good job at letting go of the guilt and just letting myself be lazy this pregnancy. I take naps when I want and rarely do dishes or clean up after the kids or do their laundry. I delegate to jess what I can. I’m sure I could delegate more, but just the laundry and cooking and some cleaning makes a world of difference.  Still, it will be nice to be able to do more myself. 

Milestones:  I truly feel like my body is getting ready for labor. I can tell I’m in the home stretch.
Theme: the week of realizing that the clock is really ticking and my time is super limited. It kind of just feels like I should be pregnant forever and I forget that actually I’m going to have a newborn on my hands soon.
What's different this time around:  I don’t know. I think I’m doing way better with my depression. I think my body is handling everything the same as always. I haven’t been nesting or getting anything ready, which I think is how I was with the others too. I think the main different thing is that the doctor at my 35 week appointment told me that baby was breech. I’ve never had a doctor tell me that before this late in pregnancy. 

Extra:  I went to an appointment at 33 weeks and my doctor said I was measuring small (just a few weeks behind) and had only gained 19 lbs and should make a concerted effort to put on more weight. So that was my only concern from that appointment because she told me baby was head down and everything else looked good.  Well, at my 35 week appointment (with a doctor I’ve never met before), she said I was measuring perfectly and didn’t even mention my weight as being an issue (I had put on a few lbs) and I was breathing a wonderful sigh of relief and then it came crashing down when she said baby was breech and that if he didn’t flip, we would need to do a c-section at 39 weeks.  She said it all so quickly and casually and then noticed my shock and hesitation and made a comment about “oh, you’ve had four previous natural, vaginal deliveries?” and seemed to notice that this was really surprising and concerning for me.  She told me about an ECV, which I’d never heard of, and said she would schedule it for me.  She wanted to do the 20th (37 weeks exactly), but I didn’t want it to affect my mood at my baby party that night and I wanted baby to have a liiiiitle extra time to maybe flip on his own. So I requested the 23rd. Fingers crossed for that.  Best case scenario is that baby has flipped with some of my spinning babies/yoga positions and we can just show up and confirm he’s head down and then go home. Next best case would be that the flip goes easily and smoothly. I’m not looking forward to the procedure. It’s supposed to be pretty uncomfortable and it involves getting a drug to relax the uterus so it won’t contract and apparently the side effects of that drug are very not pleasant. Also, the success rate is only 50-60% and they have to do so much monitoring that it’s a multiple hour process. At least I can have Christopher with me the whole time. I would really really really like to avoid a c-section. I’ve spent my whole pregnancy looking forward to the labor and birth process and after having surgery at 13 weeks and experiencing that recovery from tiny incisions, it makes me really not want to experience major surgery and trying to care for a newborn while recovering from that. And I would be sad if I had a c-section for my last birth and never got to experience labor again.  All superficial but real feelings. I’m feeling pretty optimistic at this point, but mostly just because I think of myself as a very blessed and lucky person and I feel like things just normally go right for me. Hopefully this is one of those things. 

39 weeks

How far along:  39 weeks  (6.14.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +22.5 lbs 

Maternity clothes:  mostly maternity dresses at this point.  I can’t remember the last time I put on pants.  So honestly, I just alternate between the two gray maternity dresses I have and I’m comfortable and still look put together.

Sleep:  it's different.  I’ve been staying up super late (after midnight every night, but sometimes later) and not really getting too tired for naps in the afternoon. Also, I don’t wake up during the night and tend to sleep all the way through until 8:45.  

Best moment this week:  that's a tough one.  For the most part, things are pretty even keel.  Sometimes I’m unhappy or angry, but most of the time I’m doing just fine.  Not thriving, not dying.  ; )

Movement:  still lots of kicks and rolls  and jabs and everything else.  I tend to get contractions most when I bend over or pick something up.  The last few days, I feel like my contractions have definitely been more pronounced than they were before.  Also, they tend to happen on the hour, or :20, or :40.  They’re not consistently 20 minutes apart, all day long, but when I take note of them, that’s when they’re most likely to be.  

Food cravings:  i have gotten pretty used to not really eating.  Many days, I won’t have anything (other than milk) until 2:30 or so.  On Monday, I ate some oatmeal at 11am and then didn’t have anything else until 6:30 or 7 when we ate dinner.  It’s pretty normal for me to just have one main meal of the day (the time is not consistent) and other than that, just snacking on small stuff (like a frozen gogurt or a slice or two of apple if I’m cutting them up for the kids already) and drinking milk.

Symptoms:  mild depression, very increased fatigue (emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way i can feel fatigue.... i have it all), sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super crazy weird dreams, growing stomach.  also, sometimes headaches and nausea again lately but not often… I’ve taken the b-6 and unisom each night before bed this entire pregnancy.  

Gender:  I am planning on a boy!

What I miss:  same as before... I miss being able to live my life without my belly knocking into things a million times a day.  It’s painful and inconvenient.  I hit it on counter tops and door frames and kids heads (especially at church) and the stupid doors to our washer and dryer and side view mirrors of cars in parking lots and chairs when I’m trying to squeeze through an area or even clean up around my kitchen table.  I don’t remember this happening so much before but it’s crazy annoying.  And painful.  Also, walking up stairs just about kills me every time.  I know I’ve never been an in shape sort of person, but holy cow, walking up the stairs leaves me completely out of breath and with my thighs burning and my whole body just needing to lay down and rest for a few minutes.  The 25 extra pounds doesn’t really feel noticeable unless it’s hot outside or I’m battling a flight of stairs… then it’s the death of me.  Like a weighted sand vest that I’ve got on 24/7.

Milestones:  i'm at 39 weeks! I feel like my house and whatever is ready enough for this kid to come although mentally, I have a hard time actually thinking that I’ll be bringing a baby home soon.  So weird that I can’t picture it really.  I feel like I’m ready for this baby to come, but looking internally, there’s something that feels like it’s not quiet ready or it’s dragging its feet and holding back.  I honestly can’t describe it but it’s semi like an out of body experience that I’m witnessing it.  I can tell that my body is getting closer to labor though.  I don’t feel uncomfortable (thank goodness for that! I’ve been shocked at how very normal my body feels… way better than it did a month and two months ago), but I’ve noticed more contractions and a backache that comes and goes that I haven’t experienced in a long time.

Theme: the week of just staying up on all the chores while I wait for a baby!
What's different this time around:  maybe my memory is wrong, but I feel like this is the most of a nesting urge that I’ve ever had.  I don’t care too much about getting anything ready for the baby, but I do want my house to be in order.  

Extra: I'm thankful that I haven’t experienced any major ill effects of weaning from the Zoloft.  I mean, maybe headaches or something, but nothing so noticeable or out of the ordinary that I can specifically attribute it to the Zoloft. It hasn’t been a nightmare like when I was starting to take it.  I have noticed that my patience with my kids is diminishing.  It became obvious to me several days after I’d started weaning when Chris commented to me (in a gentle and loving way) that I always sounded irritated with our kids 24/7 and explained it a little.  He made another comment the following day and then even sent me a text the next morning on Sunday before church and said something like “let’s try for a positive and happy day today, okay?”  At that point, I realized that maybe I owed him a bit of an explanation and let him know that my emotions only get more difficult as my due date approaches but also that I’d be only taking a half pill of the Zoloft lately, even though a full dose wouldn’t even be enough to help me at this point.  Double rough.  He was very understanding.  I think it helped him to hear a little bit of the reasoning behind my (somewhat quick) decline in behavior.

Same as in previous pregnancies, I think my least favorite part about reaching the end of pregnancy is that everyone assumes you’re uncomfortable and anxious to have the baby and so they’re always making comments like “you’re still here?!” “When’s that baby gonna come?!” “Man, are you soooo DONE already?!” and on and on.  No, I’m perfectly fine for this baby to keep cooking and I’m thankful for the time to prepare for his arrival.  The only thing that makes me anxious to have a baby is that I don’t want him to be soooo crazy young when we fly to Atlanta next month.  But I think that’s it.  

getting ready for baby

we're in the final count down and I'm feeling it.  I'm trying to get my house in order and not let things get too out of control that I would need extended cleaning up to fix it.  I gave myself the deadline that I needed everything necessary done by today.  after today, I can do extra things if I want, but I need to be fine with going into labor at any time.  soooo, what do I have to feel accomplished about so far? not much, but there are a few things.

staying up on laundry.  I like to let the laundry pile up and then have a laundry day where I knock it all out.  I've been trying not to do that so much lately just in case I'm caught at a bad moment.

cleaning out my nightstand.  my nightstand is a horrible hot spot for me.  I can never ever keep it consistently clean or clutter free.  I reorganized it again the other day and am 90% done getting everything how I need it.

setting up baby boy stuff.  I decided I didn't want to rearrange kids rooms or anything until later in the summer.  my mom will be here for two weeks, Abigail will be gone for one week, our family will be traveling for a little over a week... and mostly, I need to get an idea of what this baby's temperament is before I make final decisions.  also, it will keep Elizabeth in place in her room for a while after baby arrives, which I think is preferable.  so, likely we can just wait on any bedroom switching until closer to when school will start.  with Elizabeth, I set up shop in the guest room and that was our special room for several weeks.  I loooooved it.  this time, that's brady's room and our guest room that we'll need for mom's visit.  so I'm going to set up shop in our master bedroom and Chris will sleep upstairs in Abigail's twin bed or the twin bed in the playroom.  I set up all the clothes and blankets and diapers and stuff for the newborn stage in the bottom main cabinets of the entertainment center in our bedroom, and because everything is so tiny, there's actually plenty of room! I also set up the little Eddie Bauer travel bed we have and put it in the corner of my room next to my nightstand to use instead of our Moses basket.  I'll bring up the swing, bouncer, extra blankets, etc. from the basement if/when we need it... right now is just the newborn essentials and it's always shocking how little is needed.  I love it.

I've been reading my hypnobirthing book.  I'm not listening to any of the cd tracks or practicing any of the visualizations because I really didn't use either of those things the last two times, but I am reading over again about just how relaxing the body benefits the labor process and how to do the different types of breathing.  somehow it's calming and empowering and exciting and all those things to just be reading about this great thing your body is going to do.  I think so much of labor is mental that just knowing that your body is capable and designed to birth a baby makes all the difference.

I went on the hospital tour.  I know this'll be my third time giving birth in this same hospital in a relatively short period of time, but things really do change so frequently that I feel like it's beneficial to take the tour (and have it fresh in my mind) each time.  between Brady and Elizabeth, they completely built a new labor and delivery unit and a ton of things changed.  and even this time when I went on the tour, some things were new and different (like they said they have a mobile monitoring system so you're monitored continuously but are free to walk around anywhere on the labor and delivery floor.  it was great to have a refresher of where to go and how things work and stuff like that.  also, I asked a question about if an IV or hep-lock was mandatory and the main nurse couldn't even give me a straight answer because it depends on the situation and the doctor (I have kaiser so I'm just getting whatever doctor happens to be on call... not the one that I've met and am familiar with).  but the best thing she said was "do you have a birth plan? write it in your birth plan.  we really really really try to honor everyone's birth plan, so if it's important to you, make sure to get it written in there.  and then bring several copies so it can be posted on the door and in your chart and everyone can be on the same page." that was helpful for me because I've done birth plans before, but just for me.  like as a rough draft to organize my thoughts.  I've never actually shown it to any medical professionals but I guess I'll have to try that this time.

so on that note, yesterday, I typed out a birth plan on my phone.  I used the birth plan pages at the end of the hypnobirthing book to give me ideas and just typed up on my phone what actually applied to me and in shorter phrases, in my own words.  I requested not to have an IV or hep-lock unless specifically necessary.  also, random stuff that I remember from my last births, like not wanting super bright lights, loud voices, or assumptions that I'm getting an epidural.  stuff like that gets old when you're individually explaining it to allllll of the different people assigned to helping you.  I just need to finalize that and get a few copies printed.

I've even set aside a few things to take to the hospital! In my three previous experiences, I have not packed a hospital bag until I'm already in established labor.  no clue why.  just kept procrastinating.  this time, I haven't packed a bag or anything, but I have put a few things aside like going home clothes for the baby and me.  and a phone charger.  I know that's literally like three things, but I'm feeling super accomplished about it because it's way more than what I've done before!  I just need to make a little list of the last minute stuff to grab like my toothbrush and hair straightener and contacts.

soooo, honey took the kids to Parker days and Elizabeth and I are going to grab ourselves some cereal for breakfast while I make my to do list for the day.  I can't believe how fast everything is coming!

38 weeks

How far along:  38 weeks  (6.7.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +24.5 lbs 

Maternity clothes:  maternity shirts and a couple maternity dresses. Everything else is just my normal stuff that I make work. My jeans with the fringe on the ankles still fit perfectly except that when the denim gets loose they slide down, but as far as my waist goes, they're just right. My skinniest skinnies are most comfortable with a hair through them but I can button them when necessary. 

Sleep:  it's still the same as before.  super crazy and exhausting dreams.  Within the last week or so, I’ve been waking up in the morning around when honey does (anytime between 4:30 and 6) and I have to have milk and go to the bathroom before I put on my eye mask and attempt to fall asleep again in my fully bright bedroom.  Also within the last week, I haven’t been as crazy tired in need of naps.  Which is weird because I’ve been more busy during the day and staying up pretty late at night.  Like at least midnight a lot of times.

Best moment this week:  that's maybe anytime I’ve been productive and feeling accomplished and also maybe just Saturday.  I took the kids to the library for a few hours and then spent almost the entire rest of the day hanging out outside and watching them play (except for an hour or so where I had to go in to nap).  Sometime around 5 o clock, I set up my camp chair on our neighbor’s driveway (so Elizabeth would stop crossing the street back and forth from their house to ours) and actually ended up staying there until 9:30 that night. They brought their camp chairs to hang out and later brought their fire pit to do smores and really it was just a ton of fun.  And then I made a quick scramble to Sarah’s house to pick up Andrew’s church keys and hurry to get into the church and print/make copies of the sacrament program for Sunday morning.  Honey and Brady (they were at a soccer game) got home at 10, right around when I did.  The day worked out really well.  Everything you could hope for for a summer Saturday of perfect weather.

Movement:  still lots of kicks and rolls  and jabs and everything else.  I tend to get contractions most when I bend over or pick something up and normally for an hour or two each night.  I feel like my contractions with Elizabeth at this point in pregnancy were much more frequent and painful so I’m hoping my body is still getting ready for a baby and that I’m not gonna go super late or anything.  I mean, these contractions don’t always feel real nice, but I remember with Elizabeth that they were consistently pretty rough to deal with for weeks leading up to her birth.

Food cravings:  i have gotten to the point where I don’t really hate eating, but it is a time and energy suck and I avoid it when possible.  I normally skip dinner at night (I hate sitting down to dinner with my kids… someday I hope to not hate it) and if I’m super hungry before bed, I might make myself eggs or just some toast or something small.  Or maybe just have some chocolate milk.  One day I basically only ate rice Krispy treats.  They’re practically the same as a granola bar though so I didn’t feel too bad.  Another day, I lived mostly off of chocolate milk.  Last night I didn’t eat dinner and this morning didn’t eat lunch, but at 2 o’clock, I made and ate two eggs over easy on toast.  I also still eat as much candy as I want but I haven’t been wanting it so much lately.

Symptoms:  mild depression that's almost totally under control with zoloft, very increased fatigue (emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way i can feel fatigue.... i have it all), very rarely feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super crazy weird dreams, sometimes waking during the early morning to go to the bathroom, growing stomach.  also, sometimes headaches and nausea again lately but not often… I’ve taken the b-6 and unisom each night before bed this entire pregnancy.  

Gender:  i am reeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy hoping this is still a boy.  I asked my doctor to double check at my 36 week appointment when she got out the ultrasound to determine that baby was head down.  Well, baby was in a position (and wouldn’t move) that she couldn’t get a clear shot.  She tried for quite and while and was really jabbing that thing all over my belly but never had any luck and ultimately said “well! It may just be a surprise!”  Ha.  Thanks.  I still want the name I want but we won’t officially announce anything this after this kid is out.  Another reason I hope this isn’t a girl… we didn’t discuss girl names at all.  

What I miss:  mostly I miss being able to live my life without my belly knocking into things a million times a day.  It’s painful and inconvenient.  I hit it on counter tops and door frames and kids heads (especially at church) and the stupid doors to our washer and dryer and side view mirrors of cars in parking lots and chairs when I’m trying to squeeze through an area or even clean up around my kitchen table.  I don’t remember this happening so much before but it’s crazy annoying.  And painful.  Also, walking up stairs just about kills me every time.  I know I’ve never been an in shape sort of person, but holy cow, walking up the stairs leaves me completely out of breath and with my thighs burning and my whole body just needing to lay down and rest for a few minutes.  The 25 extra pounds doesn’t really feel noticeable unless it’s hot outside or I’m battling a flight of stairs… then it’s the death of me.  Like a weighted sand vest that I’ve got on 24/7.

Milestones:  i'm at 38 weeks! I’m one week into full term and two weeks out from my due date.  So I’ve got some stuff left to do this week and then I told the kid he’s welcome to come anytime next week.  

Theme: the week of finally making a long to do list and trying to get it done.
What's different this time around:  maybe my memory is wrong, but I feel like this is the most of a nesting urge that I’ve ever had.  I don’t care too much about getting anything ready for the baby, but I do want my house to be in order.  I’m waiting until later in summer to figure out the kids’ bedroom configuration… once I know more how this kid’s sleeping habits and temperament should be factored in.  

Extra: I'm weaning off of the Zoloft.  A week or two ago, I counted how many pills I had left and decided that I would ration the remaining pills and wean myself instead of getting another refill.  So, I kept taking a full pill until there were only four left.  Yesterday, I cut the remaining four in half and so today, and the next seven days, I’ll take a half pill each morning and then when they’re out, I’ll be done! I’m hoping for no ill side effects or anything and my doctors and a couple other’s I’ve spoken with have said I’ll be totally fine with this weaning schedule because I was only taking a small 25mg dose anyway.  That’s another reason I’d like for the kid to come next week… if I go past my due date, I’m worried about going to struggle with the depression before this baby comes out.  I’m counting on me being happy after this kid is born like I have been with the other three.  I’ve never had postpartum depression before and I’m thinking I’d like to continue that trend.  

I’ve been trying to look through my hypnobirthing book a bit this time.  It’s the same one I used to prepare for Brady and Elizabeth’s births but I seem to procrastinate more and more each pregnancy and I just picked it up from the library on Saturday.  I’ve read a bit of it but not much.  I’ve also been reading drug free birth stories online but I don’t feel like they’re really helping me prepare like they have in the past.  I know, as Chris has said, “you’ve done this three times already” but it’s still nerve wracking.  Pushing a baby out of your body.  Because I don’t know the timing or necessarily how it will progress.  And it’s easy to forget the pain until you’re in the thick of it again.  I’d prefer not to get an epidural (because the first time when I did, ignorance was bliss, but since then, I’ve heard too many people’s stories about bad, lasting side effects of their epidural) but I’m not 100% against it.  So much like last time with Elizabeth except this time I think I’m slightly more against it.  Last time I went ahead and filled out the paperwork and got the IV and everything so I was right ready for it but then just never felt like I needed it.  This time I think I just don’t want an IV.  I’ll have to ask on my hospital tour tomorrow night if the IV/heplock can be optional.  Ugh.  I need to write down all my questions for that.  Ignorance really is bliss.  I feel like I just get more and more nervous each time I have a kid.  It’ll all be just fine, right?!  No need to worry?  whew.  Deep breaths… we’ve done this before… no big deal. 

35 weeks

How far along:  35 weeks  (5.17.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +24 lbs 

Maternity clothes:  just some maternity shirts and a couple maternity dresses. Everything else is just my normal stuff that I make work. My jeans with the fringe on the ankles still fit perfectly except that when the denim gets loose they slide down, but as far as my waist goes, they're just right. My skinniest skinnies are most comfortable with a hair and through them but I can button them when necessary. 

Sleep:  it's still the same as before.  super crazy and exhausting dreams.  never feeling like my sleep is restful at all.  typically waking up feeling tired still. I still don't wake up during the night.  or at least when i wake up, i'm able to just turn over and go back to sleep.  i don't chug a glass of milk and go to the bathroom during the night like I used to. so technically, i'm sleeping through the night, but of course i'm still tired, no matter how many hours i get. I aim to get ten hours each night but that never happens (especially with all the traveling lately and having Lisa here visiting. Also, I need nap time. 

Best moment this week:  that's gotta be just all of the moments that I've gotten to spend with Lisa while she was visiting. Except not Saturday because we were all sick that day. 

Movement:  still lots of kicks and rolls and every sort of other movement you could possible imagine. The movement is constant and it is out of control. So forceful and pronounced. I loved having Lisa here to gasp and point and make faces at all the action she saw going on with my giant belly. Also loved having her rest both hands on my belly while we sat in bed watching poldark for hours on end. For real this is probably my most active in the womb child yet. It is so insane. Like literally words can do this no justice. 

Food cravings:  i have had a number of times the last few weeks where food has been so so good and just really hit the spot, but for the most part, I still don't really care for it much. I liked the rice Krispy treats that Lisa made me for Mother's Day and some fancy fresh chocolate covered strawberries on the meritain trip, but I definitely don't sit in bed and daydream about what I want to eat next. I spend most of my time being moderately to severely hungry and mentally whining about how I have to eat again. 

Symptoms:  mild depression that's almost totally under control with zoloft, very increased fatigue (emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way i can feel fatigue.... i have it all), still sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super crazy weird dreams, sometimes waking during the night for no reason at all or because I'm so hungry, growing stomach.  also, sometimes headaches and nausea again lately, mostly in the evenings and at night but sometimes earlier in the day too.  i'm still having that back pain (unrelated to pregnancy) but it is barely there. Like the flair up went away but my back isn't really back to normal. Part of it though I think is just me being used to it by now. Like it's been so long since I could lean over the crib rail like a normal person when I'm putting Elizabeth to bed.

Gender:  i am now totally set on this being a boy and will have a huge struggle if there had been a mistake on the gender at the ultrasound. I'm too far gone to go back to thinking about a baby girl. Also, here's what I wrote in the last post about names... it came true.  "still undecided on a first name although i have my pick and that's what keeps coming to my head when i'm thinking of or referring to this little kid. is it terrible that i just keep assuming that we won't talk about it and then chris will just go with my name? that just seems like what he'll do."  I mentioned it to Chris and he was all "we decided that already" and said the name I preferred. And I was like "I thought you liked this other name better." So he replied "yeah, that's a great name... do you want to name him that?" And when I said no, he was all "okay, then I guess we'll name him _____" saying the name that I preferred. So I guess we're decided. I mean, that would be a really good thing because my mind is pretty set on it. My husband seriously just goes along with whatever I want and never makes a big (or little) deal about it. I'm probably getting too used to this, as evidenced by what I said in my last post... called it. 

What I miss:  so I remember in at least one previous pregnancy that I missed being skinny. Not this time. I'm still enjoying my belly, but also, I'm getting less and less vain with age and don't care so much about how wide my belly appears. The thing that I really do miss is fitting better in smaller spaces. I swear I need a helmet or a ninja turtle shell for my belly because I knock it into things multiple times a day and it really hurts. It's normally the door of the washer/dryer, the side view mirrors of cars, and chairs when my trying to squeeze through a spot sideways out of habit (because I mistakenly think that I'm smaller in that direction. I'm not. I think I'm a perfect square) but also, I hit my stomach on counters or shower doors or my kids' heads or the vacuum and a million other things. Painful. And it's getting old real fast. Also, I'm so tired and physically that's a huge pain. I love going on walks, but honestly, just standing up makes me light headed and hot and out of breath so regular life is just a pain. Like when making a sandwich seems beyond your physical endurance. I have to sit constantly. Writing it out makes it sound like I'm exaggerating but I swear I'm not. I think much of it must come from the altitude though because I really didn't feel like that when I was in San Diego. But in Colorado, I'm dying.  Also, what I wrote from the previous post still applies... "same as before... sometimes i'm just sad that i don't want to hang out with my kids more or that i don't feel as much love and affection for them as i should. also, it's kind of a time suck that i need so much sleep. i feel like i don't get much alone time because i need so much sleep and there's not time for both. i also miss having any energy.  i'm just so tired all day.  i have to use quiet time each day for myself.  like i have to definitely be in my bed and enjoy the quiet or take a nap (so so tired all the time)... i'm definitely not going to be doing anything productive."

Milestones:  i'm at 35 weeks and have 35 days to go. And I'm still getting comments from people that ask me if i'm just done being pregnant or if i'm reading for my baby to just be here and all those comments make me panic hardcore because (see above), i can't handle anything. i need more time. and more energy. 

Theme: the week of having Lisa as my sister wife. It was so amazingly helpful having her around to help with the kids and keep me company and my spirits up. She was constantly all "what can I do for you? You need to rest. Let me do your dishes. I just cleaned your kitchen and am going to bed, but do you need me to get you anything before I head up?" It's so hard for me to pull into the garage and I always sit there for a minute or two before I can get myself to muster enough physical and mental energy to walk inside. Lisa would always read my mind and as we would pull into the garage she would just say something like "what would you like me to do right now?" and then she'd grab my purse and go inside to do whatever I'd asked of her. I love that she's like family and I can truly be straight with her. I always gave her a job. Normally taking Brady up for quiet time while I took Elizabeth up for her nap. Or having her get started on lunch or dinner while I took care of a few other things. As I text Chris this morning, "my life is a lot more difficult without Lisa here."  My honey struggles with having house guests (not because of the people, just because he's an introvert and there are people in his house) and Lisa's visit was truly such a wonderful gift. From both Lisa and my honey. 
What's different this time around:  most like Abigail's I think. I'm so sleepy and physically exhausted. Also, this kid moves like crazy and I don't feel a crazy urge to nest. 

Extra: I'm too lazy to answer this. 

5.18.17 at 35 weeks, 1 day

5.21.17 at 35 weeks, 4 days

32 weeks

How far along:32 weeks (4.26.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +23 lbs 

Maternity clothes:  just some maternity shirts still and i've worn my old navy maternity dress once. my smallest skinny jeans are great with a hair tie through the button hole. my jeans with the fringed ankle are absolutely perfect the first time i wear them after they've been washed.  after that, they slide down but still fit. I tried my favorite maternity skinnies again yesterday but they're still so big and slide all over and are constantly falling off.  i just keep thinking of 60 year old men that have a bit of a gut and their pants are always sliding off because their belly is big and they can't pull their pants up higher.  i have full sympathy for them now because that's me.  every day.  

Sleep:  it's still the same as before.  super crazy and exhausting dreams.  never feeling like my sleep is restful at all.  typically waking up feeling tired still. not sure what caused the change, but a couple weeks ago, i stopped waking up during the night.  or at least when i wake up, i'm able to just turn over and go back to sleep.  i don't chug a glass of milk and go to the bathroom. so technically, i'm sleeping through the night, but of course i'm still tired, no matter how many hours i get.  

Best moment this week:  that's definitely saturday morning.  we woke up to snow.  the kids were so excited.  an hour or two later, they got on snow gear to go build a snowman.  they came in a few minutes later requesting honey's help.  he was all "uhh, there's no snow."  i'm like "honey, they got their snow gear on themselves and they're so excited for the snow after it being so warm for so long... go out there with them and build a snowman!" eventually, a kid came in requesting that i go to the basement to get our snowman stuff (the little bucket of plastic coal, buttons, carrot nose, scarf, etc)... as i walked past a window (this was the first time i'd actually gotten out of bed), i saw that there was seriously no snow left and i started laughing.  later, chris came in with pictures of our yard (with no snow) and the tiniest little snowman (which apparently took all the snow from our yard and the neighbor's yard) and i laughed so hard that my tears kept falling in my cereal bowl and at a couple points, i was having trouble breathing.  i couldn't even tell you how long this lasted because it kept going and going and then coming back for more.  i honestly can't remember the last time i laughed so hard and for so long... i'm sure it's been years.  it was insane and incredible.  for real, one of the funniest experiences of my entire life.  not sure why, but that really did it for me.  i have such a good husband.

Movement:  still lots of kicks and punches! over the last week, it has seemed to slow down a bit (like it's not so constant), but it is still very strong and uncomfortable.  also, i feel like when he does move, it's basically a five year old kid on swim team trying to learn how to do a flip underwater at a pool wall like the olympic swimmers do. like all the sudden, everything is flailing and shifting and it feels like something is going to get lodged in my ribs at the same time as another limb might poke itself out of my lower regions. and there are the still frequent, but less noticeable soft bumps and stuff.  also, more and more contractions.  they don't feel nice.  nothing feels nice on my belly.  chris and the kids are magnets for it or for snugging or laying on me, but really, even not during contractions, it just is sensitive.  i don't really want people to be near me but brady and elizabeth pretty much think we should all be intertwined constantly so that's a struggle.  especially that elizabeth wants to sit on my belly.  or stand on it.  no, child.  just stop. 

Food cravings:  i have completely stopped even thinking about making dinner.  like i used to at least entertain the thought of making something and then i'd just sit outside and watch the kids ride bikes instead.  now, i don't even think about it and i don't feel much guilt about it either.  i'm getting way picker with my food.  raisin bran was cutting it for a long time but now it somewhat works but also just grosses me out.  lately, i've been eating two eggs over easy served on a slice of toasted grandma sycamore's bread.  and then i normally make one more egg because i'm still hungry and eat that on a slice or half slice of toast.  the kids now all like eggs over easy as well and so does chris so it's a full family affair.  it's been at least two weeks since i've made scrambled eggs or egg salad sandwiches, but i've been eating eggs over easy nearly every day.  i just eat the one main meal.  aside from that, i eat a lot of chocolate, candy, bread and butter (in various forms), and apples.  it's not the most well rounded diet, but as long as i get in that one solid meal with eggs, i feel pretty okay.  if i forget to feed myself then i get nauseous by evening.  

Symptoms:  mild depression that's almost totally under control with zoloft, very increased fatigue (emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way i can feel fatigue.... i have it all), still sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super crazy weird dreams, sometimes waking during the night for no reason at all, growing stomach.  also, headaches amd nausea again lately, mostly in the evenings and at night but sometimes earlier in the day too.  i'm still having that back pain (unrelated to pregnancy).  it's been at least a month so far, so i'm hoping it'll be gone within another few weeks because that's how long those flair ups normally are.  but it's manageable right now so that's good.  and my contractions are continuing to be more frequent and pronounced. 

Gender:  i'm still in occasional denial and have to remind myself that this is a boy. still undecided on a first name although i have my pick and that's what keeps coming to my head when i'm thinking of or referring to this little kid. is it terrible that i just keep assuming that we won't talk about it and then chris will just go with my name? that just seems like what he'll do.  also, i keep wondering when they'll do another ultrasound (y'know, at the end to check positioning) so confirm it's a boy.  i need that confirmation.

What I miss:  still same as before... sometimes i'm just sad that i don't want to hang out with my kids more or that i don't feel as much love and affection for them as i should. also, it's kind of a time suck that i need so much sleep. i feel like i don't get much alone time because i need so much sleep and there's not time for both. i also miss having any energy.  i'm just so tired all day.  i have to use quiet time each day for myself.  like i have to definitely be in my bed and enjoy the quiet or take a nap (so so tired all the time)... i'm definitely not going to be doing anything productive.  i did randomly pick up bringing up bebe from the library maybe a week and a half ago and have actually been reading it.  it's kind of really boring, but it's just what i need because it helps me zone out to a place where i don't have to think or feel at all.  also, i like that most of the parenting endorsed in the book is what i do/how i feel.  now if only my kids were showing the great results of that!  i hate always feeling overwhelmed though.  like i don't want to think about anything post baby coming.  configuring carseats in the van or configuring bedrooms or sleeping arrangements upstairs, or anything really.  i don't even want to think about packing for our trip to utah next week or the trip to san diego immediately after that and especially not about the scheduling and planning i need to do to prep for lisa coming to watch my kids.  i AM looking forward though to after all those things are over and lisa is just staying at my house to play for a week.  i'm excited for that part.  i have so much to do though and i chose not to think about it.  i just lay in bed and read a book and try to zone out of life.  mentally and physically, i'm just incapable of everything. 

Milestones: i'm starting to get comments from people that ask me if i'm just done being pregnant or if i'm reading for my baby to just be here and all those comments make me panic hardcore because (see above), i can't handle anything. i'm really not sure how i'm going to get through the next two months with the amount of denial i have going on right now but i'm sure it'll be interesting. i need more time. and more energy and brainpower. how did i get so far that everyone is ready for me to be finished with my pregnancy?! yikes, i'm not ready for this.
Theme: the week of being tired 24/7... i neeeeed naps. although i probably only get like two or three in a week.
What's different this time around: maybe it feels like it's own pregnancy finally! i'm experiencing the severe fatigue like i did with abigail and the apathetic/depressive sorts of moods like i did with elizabeth, and i'm just watching the time fly by like it did with brady. so just taking a bit from each and this pregnancy is actually feeling uniquely different and new to me right now.

Extra: it's crazy how lazy i am. i've been craving rice krispy treats for months (because i always love them, pregnant or not), but don't ever ever make them because i just can't seem to get my act together before the rice krispies get eaten. and then i buy more and it happens again. we had a home teacher bring over rice krispy treats a month or so ago just randomly (it's the only time he's come to our house... our dutiful home teacher from before stopped coming a year ago when chris got called out of elder's quorum) and i thought "wow, heavenly father really does hear and answer our prayers... how else could these rice krispy treats just magically show up on my doorstep?!" it was great. but seriously, i need to make some.

also, i'm just so tired these days. mentally and emotionally, everything is just HARD. so is standing up for any length of time. it seems to make me light headed and out of breath and it's an uncomfortable sensation. i've been a lot more forgiving of myself this pregnancy with my eating habits and laziness. this fourth kid is just no joke... and that i'm in my 30's this time around. so, that's part of the reason for the lack of pregnancy posts/pictures. also, the apathy that comes with the depression. i'm a mess. ; )

28 weeks

How far along:  28 weeks  (3.29.17)

Total weight gain/loss: +20? lbs 

Maternity clothes:  just some maternity shirts still. my smallest skinny jeans that normally fit me perfectly are starting to dig into my love handles.  I've worn them with a hair tie around the button hole a couple times. I wore my favorite maternity skinnies but they're still so big and slide all over. 

Sleep:  it's still the same as before.  super crazy and exhausting dreams.  never feeling like my sleep is restful at all.  typically waking up feeling tired still. The norm is to wake up once during the night to drink my milk and go to the bathroom. I think this is normally around 3 or 4am. 

Best moment this week:  there's not a whole lot of really happy things for me to think of, but Friday night, I was able to stand up completely straight for the first time in days and I could t stop showing Chris and telling him how amazing it was. 

Movement:  still so many kicks and punches! i can't figure out if this kid is just really active or if i've just forgotten how much babies move.  it's so strong.  also, brady and abigail like feeling the bumps and Elizabeth has taken a real liking to cuddling my belly.  

Food cravings:  it's going okay... Mostly same as before but I'm becoming more picky. I made cauliflower soup the other day but then literally was so grossed out that I told chris dinner was in the crock pot and he would need to feed himself and the kids while I stayed in my room. i still eat a lot of sweets during the morning hours of each day.  my cravings for eggs come and go.  i still like eggs on toast and i've been loving egg salad sandwiches this pregnancy and within the past two weeks, I've loved runny eggs (cooked inside the bread).

Symptoms: some mild depression (crying and anger and apathy, almost totally under control with zoloft), increased fatigue, still sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, super super weird dreams, sometimes waking during the night for no reason at all, growing stomach...  my skin is mostly all cleared up and i haven't been getting headaches or nausea lately.  i've been getting so much more tired though... mentally and physically.  also, unrelated to pregnancy, but i've been having pretty bad back pain again that is harder to deal with because of my big belly.  walking is painful, and walking while trying to hold elizabeth is something i can only do very minimally and not without pain... also, i can't walk fully upright while holding her so i look ridiculous in public.  also, it is very painful and difficult for me to put her in her crib because of  trying to hold her while lean over.  not pregnant, i can just support myself with my stomach on the crib rail, but being pregnant that's harder now and i try to do that above my belly.  i still half drop her in her crib every time though.  she's used to it now and it's no big deal.  sometimes the disc pain lasts weeks and sometimes just a few days... i'm hoping this time it goes away sooner rather than later.  also, my contractions are getting more frequent and pronounced.  i'm honestly dreading how bad they'll be ten weeks from now because i remember how bad they were at the end of elizabeth's pregnancy.  and this pregnancy, i started having contractions at 12ish weeks.  heaven help me, they don't feel nice.  

Gender:  i'm still in occasional denial and have to remind myself that this is a boy.  about half the time, i keep thinking ahead to summer and that i'll have a baby girl or i hear a girl name that i like and i'm all, "i should add that to my list!" before i remember that i'm having a boy. i think we're decided on the middle name (shortest conversation ever... maybe ten seconds start to finish?) but haven't decided on a first name.  chris and i each have one name that we like.  we all like each other's choice so that's good.  but we don't want to use both because the middle name will for sure be a family name.  for some reason, in my head, i've already assumed that we'll just do the name i like but i think that's because chris normally just lets me do whatever i want.  i do want to be considerate of him though because i've named the last two kids.  we'll see!

What I miss:  same as before... sometimes i'm just sad that i don't want to hang out with my kids more or that i don't feel as much love and affection for them as i should. also, it's kind of a time suck that i need so much sleep. i feel like i don't get much alone time because i need so much sleep and there's not time for both. i also miss having any energy.  i'm just so tired all day.  

Milestones:  i frequently don't know how pregnant i am.  i can't believe i'm only three months out though.  yikes.  i'm not ready for four kids at home this summer.  especially because elizabeth is still so much a baby.  i can't handle two babies yet.  
Theme: the week of being tired 24/7
What's different this time around:  maybe it feels most like brady's pregnancy right now... just because the zoloft alleviates the depression that i felt with each of the girls.  

Extra: eh.