1.10.21
Well I’m shocked to be writing this…
I’m pregnant.
After we had Andrew, I wasn’t excited about having a 5th kid, even though that was always our plan. I was just feeling so absolutely low and overwhelmed and discouraged about motherhood. After I quit nursing Andrew, for a few months, Chris and I purposely prevented pregnancy… and then we went to actively trying to get pregnant. I don’t get pregnant easily. Getting pregnant with Andrew so fast was an absolute lucky fluke. So, we tried and tried and weren’t getting pregnant. Then we just didn’t try and didn’t prevent and still didn’t get pregnant. Around this time, I was getting very concerned about the potential age gap between Andrew and a younger child. I mean, this was the first time I’d ever had my youngest turn two without already being pregnant with another kid. And then, somehow, my youngest turned three and I still wasn’t pregnant. Once we hit the point where Andrew was 3 and 3 months (where an age gap would be 4 years… my age gap with Walter), I quickly lost motivation and convinced myself it would be good for us to call it quits at 4. I even talked to Christopher sometime in November I think and said “doesn’t it just finally feel like maybe it’s just time for us to be done?” He was kind of sad, but totally agreed. I mean, Andrew is an active little boy but I feel like he’s pretty mature for his age. It just feels like we’re totally out of that baby stage. In December, I started thinking to myself… I need to talk to Christopher sometime about our pregnancy prevention plan. In Florida, at the end of December, I was thinking I was late (although I’m not super consistent so it’s not like it was 100%… but I was suspecting something might be up. Especially the last day there, I remember a moment where I thought, "I really need to talk to honey…uhh, if I’m not already pregnant.” We flew home on Thursday the 7th. Going to the bathroom before we got in the car to leave for the airport, I just knew I would have to take a pregnancy test when we got home from our trip. At the airport, we were walking to the gate and I texted Lisa about it. I asked if she would be available around midnight to offer me emotional support. At home, I was immediately busy getting kids to bed, but then also looking at the flooring/baseboad/paint progress in our kitchen. When I needed to pee, I thought, “I never took a test!” Christopher was already asleep so I knew I was safe (I really didn’t want to bring him into this if there was nothing actually going on). I prayed for peace as I carried a test into the bathroom. As the liquid moved across, I thought, “what?! Is that a line?! Oh, yeah, not a line… just the pee moving across. Oh wait, um yes, there’s a line. Oh wow, two lines. OH. MY. GOSH. Seriously?!?!” And then I sat there for a long time not really believing it. And chuckling a little. And also asking Heavenly Father “do you seriously trust me with another one?!?!” And just more disbelief and wow wow wow oh my gosh. I left the bathroom to take a picture with my phone and when I picked it up… there was my text from Lisa from 7 minutes prior. She must have texted me at the exact moment I was taking the test. Crazy. But not surprising. I am SO thankful she was there when I needed her. I mean, I felt calm, but I also tried not to really think about the implications of this because, while it may be worth it, I can forecast a lot of challenges. Did Heavenly Father know we were going to call it quits and he just needed to get his foot in the door before it was too late? Right now, it’s Sunday night and I’m coming up on 72 hours of knowing (also, SUCH a huge mind trip that I was pregnant for so long with no idea!) and I’m marveling at how differently I feel right now than all previous pregnancies where I was absolutely consumed with fear of miscarriage. I don’t have that right now. Because my heart had already come to peace with just the four kids. Also, I’m a little bit like “okay! I realize I have zero control over this situation” because all along, my biggest thing was not having an age gap between my last two children… and here we are. So, this age gap will be just a few weeks different than my age gap with buddy. I only saw Christopher for a minute on Friday morning (he was running late and stressed about it) so I didn’t tell him til later that night. He still seemed stressed after work so I gave him some space but then told him when he was about to leave on his run. I said “hey, wanna see something crazy?” As I pulled a folded cardboard paper from my closet shelf. I opened it up and let him see the two positive pregnancy tests. I’m sure his thoughts and emotions were just like mine. He said he needed some time to think about it and wrap his head around it. Man, you and me both. Side note… I’m sure I’m crazy for it, because six kids is no joke, but I’m kinda hoping for twins so I don’t have one lone youngest kid. I mean, I realize I could just have another kid quickly after, but my track record isn’t good and I don’t want to be pregnant when I’m 42.
6 weeks
How far along: 6 weeks (1.12.21)Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117
Maternity clothes: No. Just the same stuff I always wear.
Sleep: not awesome but not terrible. i've had some vivid dreams. and some of those times when i know i'm sleeping but it feels like i'm awake. i call this "airplane sleep" because it's about the same feeling and quality that i get when i try to sleep on a plane. i've also had trouble sleeping if i wake up early in the morning. it's like christmas day and i'm just anxious and excited and can't go back to sleep.
Best moment this week: fumm, finding out? I don’t know. It’s such a whirlwind. Also, it’s incredible that I don’t feel pregnant at all… I mean, I know it’s still early, but I’ll take every second of normality I can get!
Movement: it's a long way off.
Food cravings: so far, everything seems normal!
Symptoms: acne. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches, lack of appetite, and other things like that… but so far, nothing has been amplified.
Gender: I have given this very little thought. Not sure I have a preference with this.
What I miss: feeling like I had even a tiny bit of a grip on my life. Turns out, I’m 35 and still flying by the seat of my pants.
Milestones: i got a positive pregnancy test! That’s a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy, right?!Theme: the week of trying to not think about it, but also wrap my head around it.What's different this time around: with abigail, i felt sick instantly at 4 weeks, 3 days. with brady, i felt 100% fine until 6 weeks. This is like Brady… I feel totally fine and normal. Like I can even periodically forget I’m pregnant! Extra: I just can’t believe it. I’m sure curious what my future is going to look like. Where’s a magic 8 ball when I need it?
11 weeks
How far along: 11 weeks (2.19.21)Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - my starting weight this pregnancy is somewhere between 115 and 117
Maternity clothes: No. Just the same stuff I always wear. But I wear leggings and joggers a lot because I don’t go anywhere.
Sleep: not awesome but not terrible. I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night.
Best moment this week: I don’t know. Nothing stands out to me.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: so the last month has been tricky with food but I think it’s getting better. I basically just eat whatever I think I can handle. This morning it was Doritos at 9:30... which thinking about it right now makes me feel sick.
Symptoms: acne, nausea, lack of appetite, fatigue, constant headache. I frequently get lightheaded, headaches, backaches,
Gender: no idea, but I’ve been hoping for a boy. Because Andrew is a boy and will be this kid’s closest sibling.
What I miss: feeling any sort of motivation or regular happiness. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house.
Milestones: i don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve felt so much better the last few days that I’m hoping the worst of the morning sickness is behind me. I mean, I’m still throwing up about twice a week, but I’m not feeling like I have a stomach bug and my food aversions seem to be lessening. Theme: the week of realizing that my lack of doing anything is more related to apathy than sickness. What's different this time around: I don’t know and don’t have any motivation to look it up. Just taking each day one at a time. I think the most noticeable thing is just that I’m less excited for this pregnancy than the others. I’m so over it. I realize that my 2007-2009 self would hate me for saying this, but honestly, I’ve done it four times and I think that makes it worse. I also know I’m going to be depressed (and already feel it coming on) and i can’t even explain the impending doom that feels like. Like watching a train wreck. So... again, one day at a time and I’m terribly ungrateful. Extra: I should fill this in later... we’ll see.
23 weeks
How far along: 23 weeks (5.13.21)Total weight gain/loss: 15 lbs if you count me starting this pregnancy at 115.
Maternity clothes: I got out a few things maybe a month ago. I wear all of my regular stuff for the most part, but if I want to look more put together, I’ll wear a maternity top instead of my usual jeans and t shirt. I’m still wearing all my normal pants, but some of them are pretty uncomfortable at the waist so my options will only continue to lessen.
Sleep: not the best. My dreams are out of control strange and stressful and I wake up each morning feeling exhausted.
Best moment this week: I had a good mother’s day!
Movement: So much. And contractions. Contractions started at the end of the first trimester. I think official kicks and things started around 18 weeks? I think it was slightly later than a few other pregnancies. I love feeling all the movement though… it’s so calming but entertaining.
Food: so much better than first trimester. The last time I threw up was a few days before I had surgery (march 8) which was such a huge tender mercy that I never threw up post surgery. I think that was 13 weeks. I still don’t love food, but I can manage just fine. A lot of times, the idea of eating is much worse than actual eating, and if I just make myself get started, then I’m fine to continue.
Symptoms: so many headaches.. most days I’m fine, and by afternoon or evening, I have a headache and just feel crappy and frequently sick to my stomach. Not like first trimester sick, but enough that I’m just done for the day. Depression. I feel like it partially came on gradually, but then also noticeably tanked around 20 weeks. So my anger and irritability has been only getting worse over the last month. Crying spells have been only around once a week, so that’s good. I upped my Zoloft dose from a half pill to a whole pill probably ten days ago. Still so hard to not get frustrated with my kids. I’ve even been getting offended by or frustrated with Christopher and that almost never happens. I have to frequently remind him “I’m mentally unstable right now and don’t you forget it.” Because if I say something rude, I don’t want him to think that I truly mean it. The best thing I can do for all of this is to be direct, but calm with Christopher. With the kids, the best thing is just to remove myself from the situation. Hand things over to jess or to Chris and just sit in my bed and think about something else. Over the last couple days, I’ve even been getting annoyed at Andrew when it’s just the two of us. I’m not sure if he’s just extra needy or if it’s me being irritable… it just seems like he needs me or wants me to be there constantly. Today was better thankfully.
Gender: Woohoo! It’s a boy!!! I’m so excited. The day following the ultrasound, I got out 8 bins of girl clothes and stuff and had jess take everything she wants. Out with it all.
What I miss: feeling normal energy levels or regular happiness. I’ve felt a lot of days of “empty.” I’m the kind of person that never gets bored because my internal monologue just entertains me every second of the day. So feeling so empty lately has felt so strange and terrible. There’s nothing that I want to google or learn more about. No one I want to talk to. Nothing I want to do. Nothing I want to eat (or if I do make myself eat some candy or chocolate or something, it’s just unfulfilling and it all feels blah). And when I’m actually doing something, I’m brain is all “what’s the point? Why? This is so stupid.” It all feels meaningless. I hit a very low point Saturday before last. Had some thoughts of Christopher needing to hire jess for more hours as well as find someone else to care for all of the kids after this baby is born. I realized I wasn’t picturing myself in that life and that stopped me in my tracks. It made me think of Andrew’s pregnancy when I told the therapist that I wasn’t suicidal because I didn’t want to kill myself… I just wanted to be unconscious/nonexistent/etc. and she told me those were still considered suicidal thoughts. So that was good that I was able to call out that thinking and I’ve tried to be extra aware of it since then.
Milestones: I’m large. People I haven’t seen in a long time say hi and then alternate eye contact with me and my belly until I tell them I’m pregnant. The beginning of pregnancy is long gone…we are firmly in the thick of it. Theme: the week of I don’t know… I’ve always hated this question. Five pregnancies and I don’t know how it’s still here.
What's different this time around: I think I’m still most closely following Elizabeth and Andrew’s pregnancies. Biggest difference is just that I care less. I normally can’t remember exactly what week I am, but I can get within one or two of the correct answer. I haven’t done any planning or thinking ahead. I even keep thinking about stuff in the fall and forgetting to factor in that I’ll have a new baby. I’m basically just knowing that things will continue to get harder and I’m waiting for time to pass.
Extra: I feel a little guilty I haven’t been doing this weekly like I did with every other pregnancy, but honestly, it is really similar to the others, it’s just my attitude that is different this time around. Also, having jess. Having jess has helped my mental state more than I can say. Takes away so much guilt about housework/cooking/cleaning and, most importantly, gives me the freedom to walk away from situations where I feel my anger and frustration rising with the kids. This has prevented so many bad situations which prevents all of the guilt and crying that normally follow all those bad situations. She is worth her weight in gold.
37 weeks
How far along: 37 weeks (8.20.21)Total weight gain/loss: 21-23.5 lbs… it varies a lot.
Maternity clothes: I have a few shirts that are long enough, my few maternity dresses, and my giant non-maternity jeans that I’ve been wearing this whole time. I should get out my maternity skinnies to get me through these last few weeks.
Sleep: not awesome but not terrible. I have weird dreams. I also wake up throughout the night. I’m at the point where my hips hurt from sleeping on my side. I go to the bathroom at some point every night.
Best moment this week: maybe my “baby shower” favorite things party. Candice asked if she could throw me a shower and I asked if she could throw me a girls night instead. She is wonderful.
Movement: Never ceasing movements. Just kidding… sometimes they stop, but holy cow are they interesting to feel. Also hiccups the last few weeks have been in different spots all around my belly. I’ve tried so hard to learn belly mapping but I’m 100% lost… I really feel like it should be easier than what it is.
Food cravings: sometimes I really don’t want to eat, but most of the time I’m fine. I mean, I rarely love it, but I’m not struggling. I drink a lot of milk and a fair amount of chocolate milk. Jess made dinner and the pan roasted green beans and potatoes were to die for… I could not get enough. I’ve also enjoyed airheads sour ribbons and bright crawlers this week. And raisin bran.
Symptoms: a lot of contractions. I mean, I’ve been getting contractions since 12 or 13 weeks, but they’ve increased the whole pregnancy, and of course within the last two weeks. Bending over or changing positions (like getting up from sitting down) brings them on consistently. They don’t feel comfortable, but that’s honestly been the case for at least a month now. Not painful, but definitely not comfortable. Also normal stuff like physical and mental fatigue, lack of motivation, some headaches and lack of appetite… just normal stuff. I will say though that my skin has been so perfectly clear the last few months and that’s been amazing. I thought it was just during the 5 weeks we were in Atlanta, north Carolina, and South Carolina, but it’s stayed clear even since we got back. I wouldn’t say I’m my usual self, but I don’t cry regularly or experience the extreme anger and depression and guilt and hate for my kids and myself that I did during Andrew’s pregnancy. I 100% attribute this to jess.
Gender: so thankful for a boy. Just need to finalize a name...
What I miss: feeling any sort of motivation. I’m not super depressed and crying all the time like I was at the end of last pregnancy, but I have no excitement for how to spend my free time. Or doing organizing projects around the house. Thank goodness for jess. She has truly been the biggest lifesaver this pregnancy and having her help with kids and cooking and cleaning has 100% been the biggest game changer. I have done a really good job at letting go of the guilt and just letting myself be lazy this pregnancy. I take naps when I want and rarely do dishes or clean up after the kids or do their laundry. I delegate to jess what I can. I’m sure I could delegate more, but just the laundry and cooking and some cleaning makes a world of difference. Still, it will be nice to be able to do more myself.
Milestones: I truly feel like my body is getting ready for labor. I can tell I’m in the home stretch.Theme: the week of realizing that the clock is really ticking and my time is super limited. It kind of just feels like I should be pregnant forever and I forget that actually I’m going to have a newborn on my hands soon.What's different this time around: I don’t know. I think I’m doing way better with my depression. I think my body is handling everything the same as always. I haven’t been nesting or getting anything ready, which I think is how I was with the others too. I think the main different thing is that the doctor at my 35 week appointment told me that baby was breech. I’ve never had a doctor tell me that before this late in pregnancy. Extra: I went to an appointment at 33 weeks and my doctor said I was measuring small (just a few weeks behind) and had only gained 19 lbs and should make a concerted effort to put on more weight. So that was my only concern from that appointment because she told me baby was head down and everything else looked good. Well, at my 35 week appointment (with a doctor I’ve never met before), she said I was measuring perfectly and didn’t even mention my weight as being an issue (I had put on a few lbs) and I was breathing a wonderful sigh of relief and then it came crashing down when she said baby was breech and that if he didn’t flip, we would need to do a c-section at 39 weeks. She said it all so quickly and casually and then noticed my shock and hesitation and made a comment about “oh, you’ve had four previous natural, vaginal deliveries?” and seemed to notice that this was really surprising and concerning for me. She told me about an ECV, which I’d never heard of, and said she would schedule it for me. She wanted to do the 20th (37 weeks exactly), but I didn’t want it to affect my mood at my baby party that night and I wanted baby to have a liiiiitle extra time to maybe flip on his own. So I requested the 23rd. Fingers crossed for that. Best case scenario is that baby has flipped with some of my spinning babies/yoga positions and we can just show up and confirm he’s head down and then go home. Next best case would be that the flip goes easily and smoothly. I’m not looking forward to the procedure. It’s supposed to be pretty uncomfortable and it involves getting a drug to relax the uterus so it won’t contract and apparently the side effects of that drug are very not pleasant. Also, the success rate is only 50-60% and they have to do so much monitoring that it’s a multiple hour process. At least I can have Christopher with me the whole time. I would really really really like to avoid a c-section. I’ve spent my whole pregnancy looking forward to the labor and birth process and after having surgery at 13 weeks and experiencing that recovery from tiny incisions, it makes me really not want to experience major surgery and trying to care for a newborn while recovering from that. And I would be sad if I had a c-section for my last birth and never got to experience labor again. All superficial but real feelings. I’m feeling pretty optimistic at this point, but mostly just because I think of myself as a very blessed and lucky person and I feel like things just normally go right for me. Hopefully this is one of those things.
