I'm an empty shell

No paragraphs for you. 

Ugh. What is my deal?!  Today was a sad day for me. I've been having a hard time adjusting to normal life since I got back from Georgia. I know that a lot of times this is totally normal for me after trips. Because I thrive being around other people and it's hard to leave that. But this time, it's like I left my heart in Georgia and the only thing here in Colorado is an empty shell of myself. Thursday and Friday I was able to stay kinda busy with stuff like laundry or whatever, but I didn't have that drive that I frequently do to charge through things and get everything in order. I've had very little patience for my kids and especially their fighting. They each thrived on their own (chris and I were texting back and forth about how Abigail/Brady were so easy going and well behaved) and it's been hard to go back to them being best friends that can't get along. Abigail is back to her hitlerish nazi dictator act that she always has with Brady and barks orders and declares everyone around her "the meanest" when she doesn't get her way and Brady wants my attention all the time so I have guilt for wanting to check out and not spend any quality time with him. Elizabeth is perfect, as always, thank goodness... But I'm just too tired to do anything with her. Too often, I worry if she's going to go brain dead or if her muscles are going to whither away because I don't spend enough time stimulating her in any way. She sleeps all the time and then I make her laugh like crazy when I change her diapers or her clothes. Beyond that, she is too easily ignored... So, guilt. Also, as honey put it earlier today "our house is a pig sty! What happened?!?!  I had this place spic and span when you came home!"  It's true. I gave up and stopped doing dishes and putting away stuff from our trip and I haven't asked the kids to clean up anything and really I've just wanted to lay in bed as much as possible. I don't know exactly why. I have guesses, but I still think I'm pathetic for feeling so affected. I'm sad that I'm not in Georgia with my family. And I'm feeling my normal guilt that I'm the reason for every bad choice and imperfection I see in my kids. But also, my brain feels clouded. My heart aches for grandmother. I can't get my mind off her (not like I want to) and I just think so myself how helpless I am to get and how far away I am. I worry about the future and how things will play out. Also, I don't know that I've really expressed this out loud before, but as much as I love the beautiful example of granny and papa's marriage... It's discouraging to me that my marriage will never live up to that. I know I'm ridiculous but I can't help it. I'm getting so overwhelmed and distracted and frustrated. Today I had my husband and two kids next to me in bed and everyone was being crazy and I had a headache and it seriously took everything in me not to smack them all and kick them out of my room. Instead I pride myself from that tangle of bodies and took a breather in the kitchen, but seriously... It was frustrating. It still is. I spent most of the morning in bed looking at cheap car seats and boosters online that will be somewhat easy to bring with us to panama instead of our giant car seats. Thank goodness for Christopher taking Brady with him and doing our grocery shopping since we were out of milk but I couldn't even face the thought of a full grocery shopping trip. I think my honey knows I'm not feeling my best emotionally right now. After the kids were in bed and I was holding sleeping Elizabeth forever (because that truly always helps me feel better), he cleaned up downstairs. When I walked down, I noticed that the great room was clean... And the dishes were all done... And the groceries were all out away... And the counter clutter was tidied up. I don't think I was a nice or fun person to be around today, but somehow he just kept giving. Abigail took an hour of tears (about every item of clothing I suggested) to get dressed. Honey brought up that that never happened while he was taking care of her and it must be something in my strategy. I explained to him that his strategy works if you only have one kid... But I have three. I told him maybe we should think about giving away two of our children and not making any more. He went upstairs to help abigail while brady and I got in the car. See? Just kept on giving. I took Abigail and Brady to "yes virginia, there is a Santa Claus"! with Klaudette and Hallie (Kelsey had her baby this morning!) and it was ehhhh (basically just an elaborate dance recital), but honey and Elizabeth joined us after for dinner at August moon and it really helped my mood. Really it was just a headache brain fog sort of day and I'm hoping tomorrow is better. I'm hoping the days get better as time passes... But right now I'm either actively doing something and  hanging out with people... or I'm just depressed and only want to lay in bed. Someone just reassure me that granny will be okay. I just want her to be happy. 

During dinner, I bribed the kids with pennies. I set out three pennies and told the kids that whoever was being a good listener during dinner would get to toss a penny in the water. This was big motivation for them and after we fibished, they each took their penny over to the fountain. Hallie threw hers in immediately. Brady tossed his in a little later. And Abigail chucked hers as hard as she could, hoping to get it inside of the fish's mouth. 

See those people sitting at the table in the right corner of the photo? Well Abigail's penny flew over the fish and right to their table. We all had a good laugh. Then we repositioned Abigail (as you can see below), so she could try again, but with no one in her line of fire. That girl. It's always something.