Grandmother

My heart is so sad tonight. 

My dearest, sweet grandmother passed away Wednesday night. I found out Thursday afternoon at the cabin. And now, tonight, it has finally hit me. I think this would have been easier for me if I hadn't spent so much time with grandmother over the past year and the past weeks. When she was in the hospital, I was begging and praying with Heavenly Father to take her quickly and telling grandmother that she should go if she would like to go because we all just want her to be happy. But then I kept hanging out with her and spending more time with her and I don't know... I just let that thought drift. And now tonight I just keep thinking, but no... I wasn't ready. But let's be honest... I would never be ready for this. I told honey tonight about a distinct memory I have when I was younger, probably less than 10, and I was walking on my street and was worried and sad for the day that my grandparents would be gone and what if I couldn't go to the farm anymore. Little did I know that I had 20 more years with them but of course the feelings the same.

When I visited granny on Sunday at sunrise, I loved smelling her hair. Mom had just rolled it and when I hugged and kissed granny, it just smelled like her. And I was so thankful for that. She told mom and me that she loved us. As we walked away, she opened her eyes and watched us for a bit. It's always so hard for me to leave granny... I always want just a few or fifteen more minutes but I didn't run back that time because we had a strict time limit to stick to to make our flight that afternoon. What I would give to run back for more hunga and kisses and to hold her hands some more. I still know it wouldn't be enough though. I just need to keep reminding myself of how I felt when she was in the hospital. When I told her she should do whatever she wanted. My initial reaction to her passing was that of happiness and relief. Relief that she was released from her mortal body and happiness that she could be with papa again. Days later, I'm wallowing in self pity but am grateful to always have her legacy. I told her also in the hospital that I would continue to always think of her. That I had two Elizabeth's and that even when she was gone, I would have my little Elizabeth as a reminder and a momento. They're my little Elizabeths. 

My heart is so broken. Hoping tomorrow I feel more joy and less loss. 

Atlanta

Saturday, we drove back to Atlanta from the beach. We left at 8:30, made a million and one potty stops at at least four McDonald's, and dropped honey at the airport at 3:30 for his 4:30 flight. As we dropped him off, I accidentally slammed my right thumb nail in the car door and spent the next 2.5 hours in some of the worst pain of my entire life. It was like my finger was in labor because the throbbing was as intense as the contractions I've felt during drug free childbirth. The pain stayed manageable for the last several hours of the day. Sunday, I could still feel my pulse in my thumb, and now, at the end of Monday, I can gently use it to type on my phone with minor discomfort. What a process. Anyway, Saturday evening, I wallowed in pain and self pity and also went to visit granny at the hospital (she went Thursday night because of an infection). 

Sunday was so busy, it felt like three days strung together. The kids and I went to church with mom (em and dad went to Brockett for his speaking assignment) and it was great. I loved seeing Tarin and Lynell and little Norma Evans. The kids did well going to primary. I had to bribe Brady with an "after church treat." Getting home, we had pizza and watermelon and a mini chocolate cake for Abigail's birthday lunch. Elizabeth was still felling crappy and feverish so she napped from about 1:30 to 6:30 or so. It was forever. We went to the hospital to visit granny. She opened her eyes much less than the night before, but still talked a little bit. I got home right at 5:30 for the hillier family video call. It was chris, Bri, Mark, and John were unable to make it so it was just a small little chat but still fun. Walter and bekah and the kids joined us for Sunday dinner and we ate a whole bunch of deliciousness at 6. Lasagna, peas, squash and zucchini, rolls with butter and jam, salad, jello jigglers, and probably more that I'm forgetting. We had magic cookie bars and Milky Way ice cream for dessert. We told bekah about the cabin and showed her pictures. We also talked about granny. Dad stayed home with all the kids (a new record for him... Six kids ages six and under) while the rest of us piled in Jeff's truck and  visited granny at the hospital. Granny kept her eyes closed even more than before and was even less responsive although she did mention a few things like "I didn't know Eliza smoked" and guessing I was Eliza and then Emily and guessing that my baby's name was Clara (that's Liza's) which was all nice to talk about. Mostly I just like to lay in her bed and cuddle and give her kisses.

Monday, mom and Em went to the hospital early while the kids and I slept in. Abigail cuddled with me and rubbed my back a bit and then played with Brady for a while when he woke up. Elizabeth and I woke up around 10:30. Em came home around noon and then I went to the hospital and just drove up and switched with mom. I stayed with granny from 12:30 til after 4. I was going to stay longer except that after about ten minutes of watching her sleep, I was ready to go. I can hang out and cuddle with granny all day long, but watching her sleep just tempts me to wake her up. So, I ate her lunch and then headed on my way. While I was there, Em took my kids on a fun outing to Costco at Abigail's request and then mom fed Elizabeth and Em put Elizabeth down for nap after they got home. I'm so thankful for having excellent care for my kids so I was able to spend the afternoon with granny. Walter came over tonight for dinner and he went to the hospital with mom and Em while I stayed home with the kids. Granny has been less responsive with each visit and will hopefully be discharged tomorrow to hospice care. I talked to her today about how I am eager for her to be with papa again and that I will miss her but think of her always... as usual. It pains me to see her body so limited and in pain. I am anxious for her to be whole again. 

Our plans right now are to leave for Utah on Sunday to be at the cabin next week. The next few weeks are a very unknown mystery and I'm just praying it will all unfold as it should. 

Abigail is six!

Today we celebrated my precious Abigail'a sixth birthday. I have no idea how I have a six year old now.

The day was great. I decorated her room last night with crepe paper to surprise her when she woke up this morning. Chris got her sugar cereal for breakfast (she's been loving fruit loops this week at the beach) and I hung out with her a bit on the deck of our row house talking to her about the day ahead. She mentioned that maybe she'd be surprised. That she and Brady and Chris would walk in and everyone would be hiding and they would just up and say "SURPRISE!" and it was so adorable to hear her describe it all. She was just being super cute. 

We got the kids ready and Chris took them over. We did the tide pool at the beach (she made friends with a bunch of girls next door that loved her and knew her by name) and then the pool at the beach house. Elizabeth was so super under the weather today so I felt like my whole day was constantly trying to help her, but Chris did a great job playing with Abigail and making all her dreams come true. 

I orchestrated the big surprise at lunch time and everyone popped up and yelled and cheered and sang happy birthday to her. She was super shy about it but u think she loved it. They even happened to serve watermelons with lunch which is her favorite food (along with pizza). Then we got together my family and opened presents on the deck. My parents gave her a wedding princess looking Barbie and a pink and purple ballerina Barbie and a frozen coloring and sticker book and even a frozen card that had stickers included in it. She was so excited about it. Chris and I gave her a pink fancy nightgown, skirt with bloomers attached (she loves those), pinkalicious sticker activity book, and pink ballet slippers. She was really happy with all of her presents and I loved giving them to her and watching her open everything. 

The rest of the day was more time on the beach and in the pool and watching whatever movie happened to be on tv (the kids have loved that robot movie this week) and playing with the girl cousins and just loving life. Dessert tonight was cheesecake for chase's birthday tomorrow so everyone sang and he blew out candles. Then Abigail came to me all "mom, where's the cake you made for me?" kinda worried and sad. So I got another cheesecake (there were at least five I think) and stuck a purple 6 candle  in it that liz had and brought it to Abigail. I was trying to ask her if she wanted everyone to sing to her but she just wanted to watch the movie going on so Liz brought me matches and lit the candle and Abigail just blew it out on the spot (we were standing in the middle of the area between the eating tables and sofa tables by the door) not even caring that no one was watching or asking her to make a wish or anything. I think she just thought it was on her birthday to do list and she needed to get it done. It was cute. She just blew her little candle right out (I do wish I had a picture of the non-moment but that would have defeated it) and was all about that movie. I brought her a slice and she loved it. And there were enough slices that chris maycock said she could have another. Abigail was thrilled and so was I. Chris and Liz really made it happen today when I really couldn't do it by myself with a sad Elizabeth. 

So, the day included food and desserts she loved at every meal, lots of time at the beach and pool, presents with family, a decorated room, and just a whole ton of movies and playtime. She said it was her best birthday ever. I think I might have to agree. It was awesome. Her only complaint was that  she had requested "just swimming" but we had her go to the beach and do other stuff other than just swimming in the pool. ; ) 

This week at the beach with Abigail has been so wonderful. First, I've barely had to parent her because Chris has been the one to take care of the kids while I take care of Elizabeth. And second, because she's been so super happy all the time that she's not been in a foul mood or disobedient or needing reprimanding or guidance like that... She just been a cute and happy girl that plays constantly with people around her and wants to "practice swimming" 24/7. Also, she thought it was so cool at the row house that she could go upstairs by herself and pour her own bowl of cereal (bowls and spoons are already set out on the table and Abigail likes her cereal dry so it doesn't need milk) and eat completely independent of a grown up. She'd come back downstairs all "I already ate."  I won't lie, I loved it and I may start doing something similar at home to encourage her independence. How is my tiny skinny baby already a tall and skinny six year old?!

I just really love that girl. 

To Atlanta!

I hate blogger. I just wrote allllll the text to this post and of course it erased when I hit publish because it wanted me to sign in again or something. 

Honey's flight was at 6:40ish, ours at 7:30, so we left for the airport at 3:30 and parked in the longterm lot. Our kids love that because they think the shuttle bus is amazing. It was nice having honey around for security and getting to our gate. He mostly was taking calls and answering emails, but the kids and I still enjoyed his presence. And it was nice for me to be able to take the kids to the bathroom or to wash their hands or fill up sippy cups without always taking all three. 

Our flight left at 7:30 (of course before honey's delayed plane because he's got the worst luck and they were just boarding when we were taxiing. My plan for the kids was the same as last time we flew to Atlanta. We got on the plane and hung out (read instruction pamphlets, play with Elizabeth, look out the window, check out the southwest magazine) and then the kids got granola bars when we took off. That's so much easier for me than making them play the yawning game that they've grown very tired of. Once the granola bars were done, I got out paper and crayons and stickers. That's literally all I brought for them to do. I just stuck it in a little pencil pouch. So they did that and had their drinks and snacks. 

Abigail made one awesome creation and Brady only used five or six stickers and one crayon before he said he was done. We played the cheerio game (three Cheerios in my hand... Brady takes one, Abigail takes one, Elizabeth gets the last one and giggles about it, we all smile... Repeat fifty times) and then I think I took all the kids to the bathroom and then Abigail and brady fell right to sleep. They were sad I had no blankets or anything  (I packed my purse super light) but got over it quickly. They were both nodding all over the place and I had serious anxiety about bray getting a bloody nose or face from crashing into the arm rest. It was a true miracle it didn't happen. 

Everyone around us was so complimentary. I love that. The family next to us kept saying how cute Elizabeth was an the teenager started playing his fiddle/banjo/something when Brady commented on his guitar. The guy in front of them made a funny comment about "I was wondering how you were going to take them all to the bathroom but you did it!" And the guy sitting in front of me turned around immediately upon standing up and said "you are a wonderful mother and I think those are the most well behaved kids I have ever encountered on an airplane before!" The random words and acts of kindness just come out of the woodwork when I fly alone with my children. Everyone is so kind. 

The kids were exhausted when I woke them up. That family next to me offered to help carry them for me but I politely declined and just asked them not to judge me if I stole a wheelchair for them like I did last flight to Atlanta. 

It didn't last long before I had Elizabeth in the carrier, Brady on my hip, and Abigail crying because I couldn't hold her too. 

I stuck them in a wheel chair. ; ) 

And good thing because they're doing construction or something so we had to get off at T and walk to the far end of baggage claim. And then back to the beginning and then back to the end again and back to the original carousel. It was a goose chase trying to find our travel car seat (we'll need it in Utah) because the airport employees kept telling me the wrong thing and in the end... It was right there on the carousel with my baggage. Ugh. 

Mom picked us up. She's an angel for waking up to get us in the middle of the night. 

The kids slept in the car and walked straight upstairs to pass out in their beds.

Hallelujah we made it!!! 

This is my current travel outfit. The black shade blends with my black wrap carrier. The cardigan keeps me warmer and makes me look a little more put together by hiding the wrap. The scarf is the real winner though. I can nurse Elizabeth 100% discretely with no blanket or cover by just pulling down the scoop next of my shirt because of the perfect positioning of the scarf. It also provides a soft and comfy place for Elizabeth to rest her head when I'm carrying her. When I'm no longer nursing her, it won't matter, but right now, this is the most perfect outfit. My purse just had a onesie for Elizabeth, two sippies (one for the kids, one for Elizabeth), the diaper pack, wipes, snacks (granola bars and Cheerios), and the coloring pouch. It makes all the difference not bringing any sort of blanket for Elizabeth or drink for me. 

I have full confidence in flying with the three kids right now and I feel like it would take a pretty brutal experience to humble me to the point of scared. Hopefully I can keep it up so I'll be able to fly solo with four kids just fine as well. Whenever that time comes. 

Elizabeth at one year

Man, I am such an idiot. I will never learn. I just wrote this whole long post about Elizabeth because I never wrote a one year post and she's already 13 months. Well, then my phone died so nothing was saved. Blogger is a google product, can we not have blog posts saved every 30 seconds like my gmail drafts?! 

Ugh, at least it was 100% my fault this time. 

Elizabeth, I'm sorry, I'm failing you again. Here's the waaaaaay (super sad) shorter version. 

Elizabeth has 6 teeth and yells with her finger in her mouth because she's cutting more. 

She loves to eat, eats anything, and eats about 2/3 cups of food per meal. She loves drinking water from her Rockies sippy and I suck at giving her whole milk.

I still nurse her 3 times a day (first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and before nap) and sometimes more if I really want to. I could have weaned her while Chris and I were on our Bahamas/Miami trip but I came back and was dying to nurse her. I love nursing her.  Even though she leaves teeth marks in me from sucking too hard. Sometimes it's really painful, but somehow I still love it. 

Elizabeth has curly hair! I'm enjoying it while it lasts. 

She's so content to sit in her stroller and will happily hang out there for an hour or more while I'm at the park or pool with friends. 

Everywhere we go, people comment on how happy she is and that she's always smiling, and they comment on how content she is to hang out in my arms or my lap or the stroller. She rarely ever squirms to get down and crawl around. 

She just started crawling days before her first birthday. I'll be shocked if she walks before she's 18 months. It's so hard to ever get her to stand or bear weight on her legs. Just recently, she started "pulling up" to kneeling so she does that all the time now. 

Elizabeth loves unpacking things. My purse, her dirty clothes basket, bins of toys, the pool bag, the cabinet with all the waterbottles, you name it. I know it's just typical of kids this age, but she's just more challenging now. I had 12 blissful months of an immobile baby and I'm still adjusting to the fact that she makes messes, gets herself locked in bathrooms and my laundry room, eats every single tiny thing on the floor, and cries when I leave the room (or hand her to Chris). She's my third (and I have a lot of previous experience in chikscare), but somehow every time I forget what a busy age this is! And she's not even a busy baby compared to most! 

She does best with one nap but I have to let her sleep in til 10 or so. Then she can nap from 1-5, give or take, and I put her to bed anytime after 8 whenever I get the time. ; )  Last week when Abigail had dance camp at 9, I was waking Elizabeth up at 8:30 and it was a struggle for her to make it until nap time. She sleeps all night unless she has a dirty diaper. She goes back to sleep just find if I hand her a binky. Sometimes I even do that in the morning if she wakes up at 7 or early or something. Hand her a binky and she goes back to sleep for several hours. 

She's 18ish lbs and getting longer lessbabylike legs by the day. She's wearing a size two diaper (three at night), no shoes (her feet are tiny), and mostly 9-12 month clothes but has shorts that are 0-3 and ones that are 18-24 and everything in between. 

She's truly an angel and such a blessing to our family. The kids love her so much. They are so sweet and patient with her. Brady treats her like an equal which melts my heart every time. There is just no way I can put it into writing or emphasize it enough... He loves her without end. He's so excited for her to get bigger so she can play more. We think she's the best. 

 

Anyway, that was more than I was planning on. Hopefully this will hurry and save well and I can get back to crying myself to sleep at losing the first and more comprehensive draft of this that I wrote. 

; ) 

Saturday 2nd of July party

Our pool's Fourth of July party was actually Saturday. It was fun hanging out with so many ward families at the pool and eating tons and tons of food and candy. Honey played with his new GoPro and I basically just talked to Sara and Janel the whole time so life was good. 

It's a constant love affair with these two. 

Does even care that her knees and feet get so skinned up crawling everywhere. She hasn't adopted the gorilla crawl that Abigail used to do in dresses and on unpleasant surfaces. 

Last year they did pulled pork sandwiches but this year they just had tons of chick fil a sandwiches. When the party was about to end, the guy told us to help ourselves to the rest. So Sara, Janel, and I all grabbed enough for our families to have at least one more meal.  

I guess this is what our HOA fees go towards. 

Somehow this week, I managed chick fil a on three separate occasions and having all these extra sandwiches makes it about five meals of chick fil a this week. I can just feel my waistline growing by the second. 

So then we hung out at home and I did some packing and we went to the Cottles for chocolate cake and hanging out. It was a fun day. 

Monster call

No food. This is our updated Hillier family Sunday gathering.