poor abigail and poor honey

thursdsay night i sent honey home to put the kids to bed and stay at the house with them.  friday morning, he texted me that abigail was awake by 7am, which is early for her normally and especially lately and extra especially since the kids didn't get to bed til 9:30pm.  he asked if she wanted breakfast and she said no (weird, because she always says yes and requests cereal) and that she'd rather just lay in bed for a bit.  so she snuggled with christopher in bed for a bit, but instead of being rambunctious and playing under the covers, she actually was really still and quiet.  and then she fell asleep.  so then at 8:08, honey texted me a picture of abigail fast asleep.  and at 8:11am texted me "abigail just woke up vomiting."  awesome.  she said she woke up feeling sick and that now her stomach hurts.  eventually klaudette got to the house to watch the kids and honey came to the hospital for a few hours to help out with all the checks and tests and paperwork and everything that goes along with getting discharged from the hospital.  it all went well and we were happily leaving the parking lot at noon.  when we got home, we left elizabeth's carseat on the kitchen island for maybe 10 minutes or so and then carried her straight up to the guest room (that's her nursery for now)... and she hasn't left the room since... 48 hours later.  

so friday was abigail sleeping constantly and throwing up occasionally.  klaudette had brought us a rotisserie chicken and some potato salad and rolls but then after we got back she went to the store for some pedialyte and emetrol (for nausea).  when she came back, i asked if she wanted to run upstairs for a second to see elizabeth.  and while we were in the room, abigail started throwing up downstairs... so klaudette ran down with the vomit bowl but wasn't fast enough.  so she spent the next little bit helping christopher clean up and give abigail a bath and coax her into eating a little bit of roll.  and then i think she ran to the store yet again to get some children's tylenol (in pink, as requested by abigail) because in the mean time, we'd discovered that abigail had a 101.4 fever.  

honey had been planning on putting a movie on for the kids while he ran to his 5:30 dentist appointment but ended up cancelling it because if abigail threw up, i'd be in a tight spot not being able to touch her or clean up anything.  speaking of... i haven't touched abigail since thursday afternoon at the hospital (except for her shoulder briefly by accident and i washed my hands three times immediately after) and she's not allowed in the guest room.  poor kid asked me last night when she would be allowed to come in.  i feel so bad for her.  

luckily, abigail didn't throw up at all friday night and saturday was seeming pretty happy and normal.  we didn't let her play with friends and i still wouldn't touch her, but she was able to play outside quite a bit and she and brady played all day long and had a blast.  we were crossing our fingers it was just a 24 hour thing and were so glad that we'd be in the clear for sunday.  

sunday morning, abigail woke up and had spit up just a little on the floor and said she felt sick.  chris was somewhat skeptical but went ahead and cleaned it up.  not too much later, abigail was puking majorly into the vomit bowl.  so after that finished, honey put her back in bed (not like she'd really left it though) and she slept til almost 1.  so, that killed our sunday plans.  honey was going to take the kids to church with him (we have 11-2 church), but everyone ended up staying home since we didn't know if abigail would throw up again and i can't go near her.  also, honey had had elder's quorum visits scheduled for the afternoon (when brady would be napping and abigail could be watching a movie or having quiet time), but he cancelled those.  and klaudette had invited us all to dinner (with the option of having just honey and the kids go and bring a plate home for me and the other option of just having her bring us all dinner to our house) and i'd been hoping we could go so i could get out a bit or at least let the kids get out... well, now she'll be delivering dinner to our house.  

the worst part though is that it's just extending this whole process of keeping abigail quarantined.  which brings me to the poor honey part of all of this.  not only has he been solely in charge of all of the normal duties of caring for two kids like meal times and bedtimes and play times, but he's also been doing all of the cleaning up vomit and sanitizing everything and giving abigail baths, and doing all the laundry that comes with all of this... taking care of abigail but trying to keep brady from getting sick (even when he gets into abigail's vomit and then throws a fit when he gets his hands washed because "i want abigail's throw up!"... gross) and really just doing e v e r y t h i n g that needs to be done.  so as if that's not all bad enough... he's keeping himself quarantined from elizabeth and myself.  i haven't touched honey since we got home from the hospital and he has only touched elizabeth one time (which was immediately after he'd showered and gotten new clothes on and walked straight up to the guest room without touching anything else first) and i know it's killing him not to be able to see her or interact with her more.  

the biggest blessing of this all is that my recovery has been wonderfully easy (my milk coming in is by far the most painful thing i'm experiencing, but even then, i'm only taking four or so ibuprofen a day... and even those are optional) and that elizabeth is an angel baby like abigail was.  i'm not sure how long that'll last, but for now, it's something that is really helping our little family with this situation.  i mena, this would be considerably more difficult if i was needing honey to bring me all of my meals and refill my milk bottle and bring me random baby items and wait on me hand and foot... because he's already so preoccupied and because it wouldn't be possible to keep the germs contained if he's cleaning up vomit and getting me food.  i'm not too worried about elizabeth getting sick because she doesn't move and it's not too hard to keep everything away from her.  my biggest fear is that i'll get sick and then i wouldn't be able to nurse elizabeth and that would kill me (and give me way too much stress about milk supply issues).  

sooo, that's what we've been up to over in these parts.  maybe soon i can post some baby pictures and a little bit of non-vomit related happenings.  ; )

The newest arrival

Elizabeth May Hillier

5.28.15 at 6:42am

8lbs 4ozs, 20 inches

We are all completely smitten. 

Lil Elizabeth

Y'all, I had a baby.

And then another and another. 

I've got three kids now in my little family of five. And we are all in love with this new kid on the block. 

I'll get around to posting more, but right now I'm at about 2.5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and can barely form coherent sentences. 

But have no fear, all is well. 

Do I really have three kids?!?!  

Pinch me.

I'm in heaven

Late night pregnant ramblings

I'm so nervous to go into labor this time. I feel like I'm constantly on high alert to how I'm feeling and trying to be so ready to anticipate the start of labor. It makes me think of first trimester when I was constantly anticipating if I'd throw up. I'd be somewhere scoping out trash cans or making sure I had a hand in my purse on the throw up bag I'd packed just in case and was always thinking "okay, what would I do if I needed to vomit three seconds from now?"  But now I'm all, "okay, what would I do if I started having contractions right now?" and stuff like "I don't want to unload the dishwasher before I go to bed... but what if I went into labor tonight?  I'd have wished I'd taken the time to unload the dishes."  I've started to look at the clock when I have contractions so I can make note of the next one happens soon. Sometimes I feel like I go an hour or two between contractions, but then other times I feel like I'll have three within 45 minutes or an hour. With Brady, I woke up with contractions 5-6 minutes apart, but I wonder if maybe my body had been laboring and having contractions during the night while I slept. But with Abigail, I'd been awake and I know that I went from no noticeable contractions to immediately having steady contractions 2-3 minutes apart. It's tricky to know. Also, I've done almost no practice breathing this time around so I'm nervous about that because it's likely I'll have another natural labor and holy crap I know it's gonna be painful. Someone in honeys office sent out an email to everyone in the office asking them to place their bets on when our baby would be born. Ha. Honey guessed Saturday (may 30th) and my fil guessed the following Tuesday (june 2nd)... I told honey that my guess was this Thursday... But only because I have an appointment set for Friday and it's during Brady's naptime (kaiser normally only does every two weeks at the end but my doctor felt like I'd already dropped a bit and was expressing some concern that I'd go early again and she'd like to see me back sooner than two weeks) because it was scheduled so last minute and I don't want to go to it because it's so inconvenient. Ha. But if we're talking dates... I like the look of 5.27.15 the best and 5.30.15 second best. As for June... Well I'd prefer not. I don't mind being pregnant for that long, but for some reason I've always had a love for the month of May and wished my birthday was in May... And since getting married , I've always wanted a May baby. So hopefully that can happen. Ha. 

For the record, this time with last pregnancy, I'd gone on my hospital tour tonight and Brady was born tomorrow morning by 9am. I'm not quite ready for that... But maybe Wednesday or Thursday would be okay? Also, if I could request to go into labor during the night this time, that would just be great. Then I could just call my mil to come over (and if we needed to hurry and leave for the hospital we could just leave and give her the garage code since our kids would be asleep in their beds anyway) and I wouldn't have to worry about being out and needing to get home or arrange childcare or getting in touch with honey at work or running into traffic or anything. Yes... Let's just plan on that... That sounds great. Until then, I'll keep trying to track the super sporadic contractions I have. 

Sunday Memorial Monday

Sunday was a pretty good day where Abigail woke me up at 7am but it was because she was so excited to pick out a prize for going potty during the night. We did her new puzzle in my bed a few times and hung out. I have the kids a bath before church and fed them a nutritious oatmeal breakfast. They were dressed cute and I even showered and got fully ready myself. We were only two minutes late to church (at least honey was there to save us seats) and I was feeling pretty good about life. I got something out of all three hours of church and Brady did great at nursery. Coming home, I fed us all eggs and took Abigail to choir practice with me while honey out Brady down for a nap. I got home around 4 and read books to Abigail in my bed before quiet time. Then our home teacher came over at 4:30 and we visited for 30 minutes before getting Brady up and heading to the Hillier's for Kelsey's birthday dinner. Abigail fell sleep in the car on the way there. Go figure.

We had a fun night with the Hilliers. "Who want to talk to uncle John?!" and "who wants a treat?!"  The cousins do. 

We got the kids home and to bed and all in all, it was a busy and accomplished day. 

Which of course meant that it would be followed by a super crappy day for me. Because heaven forbid should I go more than a day without crying. ; ) 

The kids and I slept in again. I woke up close to ten and the kids were maybe around 10:30 or so? I can't remember when I finally got Brady out but he was crying because he'd gotten hurt while jumping in his crib (which happens alllll the time) and said he'd hurt his elbow. I asked him where his elbow was and he pointed to his upper lip. And of course it was so cute that he kept insisting his upper lip was called his elbow. 

Abigail drove me crazy all day (she normally the main reason for my tears) and I was crying by 11:52am. Can I not make it past noon without crying?  Whatever. Honey was set to go golfing with his dad and brother and last minute we both thought he should bring Brady (who is obsessed with all sports, but most recently, with golf) and I was grateful to have the time to myself to do some laundry and cleaning while Abigail played dollhouse and colored. She took this picture to Lucy's and left it on her doorstep since she wasn't home. 

Meanwhile, Brady was in heaven golfing with the guys. Honey said he was saying hilarious stuff the whole time (no surprise there... The kid is always making us laugh out loud) and would grip the steering wheel and call out "READY?!  ARE YOU READY, DAD?"  

Standing next to grandpa. 

Luckily I remembered to have honey take one of Brady's little putting clubs with him. 

I'm so glad Brady got to go. I would have loved for him to take Abigail (because she couldn't listen for the life of her and I had zero patience to forgive her mistakes), but she probably wouldn't have enjoyed it at all... And Brady absolutely loved it. 

We met at the Hilliers again for a last minute BBQ (I cried on the way over and didn't even want to go... Does that tell you how out of sorts I've been lately with my emotions?) and had seafood dip with wheat thins that so wonderfully hit the spot, and shrimp and veggie kabobs and hamburgers and hot dogs. Everyone except myself (what can I say? I'm lazy) played lawn darts (honey gave it to his dad for his birthday a few weeks ago) and the kids had fun playing outside. The weather was great. Not hot at all and the rain held off til after six. 

Honey got silly with his corn on the cob. Brady thinks this picture is awesome.  

Riding outside. 

Brady. 

Brady had to help push Abigail up the hill when she couldn't make it and asked for assistance. If only I'd had my camera out a little sooner... It was precious. 

Honey helped Nate with his algebra homework. 

While Klaudette read books to Abigail and Brady looked at golf pictures (and other pictures from the day) on my phone. 

And then we came home and I put kids to bed and felt like a somewhat accomplished mom again. 

Afternoon in tears

Friday morning was great. I slept in til 10 and I didn't hear from the kids until Brady called out his "mommy... Where are you?" at 11:20 and I went up to get the kids at 11:30. I'm spoiled by my kids' sleeping habits. 

But, sadly, I was almost in tears within 15 minutes and 11:45 had me anxious for bedtime. Within another two hours, I was solidly in the "I just can't mom today" camp and texted this picture to honey with some caption about how I didn't have the energy for life or something. As a side note... Why do kids feel like they need to run everywhere?  Abigail had tripped while running for the second time in two hours and was hurt and crying and this time also whining about could I please get her more watermelon. I was most sad about the bowl. We haven't broken one in a long time but they're part of the set I got from granny and papa at one of our wedding showers and now we're down to four bowls I think. Oh well, that's life, right? It was well loved while it lasted. 

Here's Brady looking crazy cute practicing riding a two wheel scooter. Three minutes later he was driving me crazy with all the crying and whining about kit making it to the mailbox in time and wanting the handlebars lower. My emotions are anything bust steady. 

But seriously. So cute. I'm thankful for pictures to freeze the good moments in time. 

Then I put the kid down for nap and spent the next few hours crying in bed... luckily with the loving company of my caring husband. He may have laughed at me at first for crying about seemingly nothing but turned more compassionate when he realized it wasn't going to disappear. I guess I can pay myself on the back for keeping my tears and complaints mostly hidden from him. ; ) 

Just not when he comes home early to help me. 

I do a lot of complaining, but I'm blessed to have that guy. 

Friday night Rockies game and fireworks

Friday night we headed to the Rockies game. It was forecasted as 100% chance of rain, but honey was so excited to go because it was a fireworks game. That's really the only thing that gets him excited about going to a baseball game. Oh, and sunflower seeds. Have I ever mentioned on here when we were first dating at byu and my mother in law called Christopher and asked what he was up to. "I'm at a byu baseball game with Carrie."  She was so shocked that he would go to a baseball game that she said that was the moment she first knew that he must really really like me. ; ) 

Within two minutes of us sitting down, it started sprinkling. Knowing what was to come, we moved up a number of rows til we were just barely under the awning and we stayed there the rest of the night. It was perfect. 

We were a little more bundled up than what you would anticipate was necessary for a baseball game in late May, but happily, no one was at all cold and we had a great time. Even though the Rockies got whooped by the Giants. 

Family picture! 

I love when Abigail gazes at Brady. They seriously love each other so so much it astounds me. 

With only three outs to go, they called a rain delay. So we waited forever and ever and ever it seemed until they finally said that they'd go ahead and do the fireworks during the rain delay instead of after the game as previously planned. Sweet!  Luckily I'd had Brady take a late nap from 3:15-6:30 and the kids were both doing just fine. 

I honestly didn't think the game or fireworks would happen but I let honey make the call since the whole outing was his thing. I'm glad I did because it ended up being a really good fireworks show. Choreographed to patriotic music and probably around 15 minutes long. It was really good. 

Brady didn't enjoy the fireworks though. Eventually he asked for me to hold him and had his head buried into my neck while I held my hands over his ears. It was so precious that I feel guilty for enjoying it so much. And now he loves telling us how much he doesn't like fireworks. ; ) He also never stopped telling us how much he doesn't like rocky (the nuggets mascot that he's obsessed with at a distance) and that he got a haircut (several weeks ago). I'm doing a horrible job at recording it, but he's the funniest kid ever. Like I bust out laughing several times a day from things he says and does. 

It was a fun night. We didn't get home til around 11:30, so it was super late for us but so worth it. Especially since the previous part of my day was so horrible (crying off and on for 6 hours and laying in bed because I couldn't handle anything else). I love being pregnant but I hate the way it affects my thoughts and emotions. I literally crawled in bed crying and thought to myself "yeah, I could be done being pregnant" because honestly, I don't know how much more of the depression I can handle. 

Also, it's been raining for the past three weeks I think. I'm only unsure of the length of time because it's felt like forever and I've lost track of time. But this is by far the most consecutive cloudy weather I have ever ever ever seen in Colorado. Hence this stuff all over my facebook feed... 

It's true. 

So. Much. Rain. 

38 weeks

How far along:  38 weeks  (5.21.15)

Total weight gain/loss: 28.5 lbs

Maternity clothes:  yes... i prefer to wear the same few tops since they're the longest and they fit me the best.  i also wear my maternity skinnies almost every time i get dressed.  at home i normally wear a hoodie with yoga pants or sweats.  i would wear dresses or maxi skirts every day but sunny parker decided to turn eternally cloudy... like for the past three weeks and not really an end in sight.  i don't ever recall this much cloudy weather in a row... it's gotta be some sort of record.  

Sleep:  not bad.  my dreams are still more low key than the beginning of pregnancy although tuesday night i had a super weird one about sharing a house with our neighbors across the street, something about this textile store that also had bed frames and fabric backboards, and honey being devastated because john disowned the entire family.  it was strange.  i normally go to the bathroom every time i wake up, which this past week has been more than usual because i'm trying to help abigail learn to sleep without diapers... but that's a whole different story.  

Best moment this week:  sunday.  it was a good day. 

Movement:  it finally seems less aggressive this week.  it's not as constant either... much less than before, depending on the time of day.  

Food cravings:  i think the salad and fruit and lemon layer dessert that i ate for sunday dinner at the hilliers was the best meal i've tasted in a looooong time.  i have no idea if it was because i was especially hungry, but it hit the spot like i didn't even know it was possible.  i had thirds on the salad and the fruit and i helped honey and abigail eat their desserts.  even having leftover salad three times in the following 48 hours and dessert leftovers the next day, it was still delectable.  i've also been enjoying reese's pieces and chocolate chips. 

Symptoms: all the usual, but thankfully less depression than before.  i was crazy emotional during stake conference on sunday, but honestly, it was a really really good meeting and the spirit was soooo strong. also, still getting sciatic pain on my left side.  my doctor commented at my appointment tuesday that baby looked like she'd dropped some since my previous visit two weeks before and i confirmed that something must have changed because it's been within the last week and a half or so that i've been getting the increasing sciatic pain.  happily though, it's just like a strong cramp, and not the shooting pain i remember with abigail.

Gender:  my girl.

What I miss:  maybe drugs?  i've had a cold/cough for the last week and a half or so and i'm kinda over it.  on the plus side, i actually really like sleeping sitting up now.  ; )

Milestones:  i feel pretty confident that i'm going to have a baby within the next week or two.  so crazy.
Theme: the week of trying to soak up my kids and enjoy them and spend more time with them.
What's different this time around:  with all three, i've been pretty last minute getting stuff together.  hopefully i can finish stuff up within the next few days... maybe i'll even pack my hospital bag before i'm in heavy labor!

Extra:  i'm so lazy.  earlier this week i wrote out two long to do lists of things i needed to get done asap.  one list is baby related (get out moses basket, bottles and nursing stuff, pack hospital bag, etc) and one is just stuff i'd like to have done before i have a baby on my hands (paint my toenails, get everything visiting teaching related all updated, clean and organize a few hotspots around the house like the laundry room and that cabinet under my microwave)... but then i left my list on my nightstand and refused to look at it until right now.  i feel like if i'm not ready for my baby to come then my baby won't come.  and i'm just not ready to give my baby permission to come yet.  but in the meantime, maybe i'd be enjoying these last few weeks a little more if i wasn't constantly worried that all this stuff would bite me if i happened to go into labor now.  i did make pioneer woman's sour cream noodle bake (doubled the recipe and then split it between three smallish pans) for the freezer.  i'd like to make some lasagna to freeze too, but once again... lazy.  i am trying to stay relatively on top of stuff like laundry and grocery shopping (i normally try to stretch each of those to as close to ten days as i can) so that i'm not caught with an empty fridge or no clean clothes.

i've had a few productive days (yesterday i unloaded the dishwasher, did laundry, practiced piano, played with brady, went to a baby shower) and a few not so productive days, but i will say that i'm happy to report that i've been way better this past week about spending time with my kids.  even if i'm just sitting in the room while we play house (i'm the grandma that's napping in the chair or something boring like that) or snuggling while we watch pocahontas, it has felt great to blow off the things that i need to do and just sit and watch my kids instead.  it's still really recent, but i'm feeling my relationship with abigail mend and heal and improve from the broken relationship with was weeks ago.  i'm soaking up brady's adorable two year old ness and can't get over all of the funny things he says and does each day.  so i may not have a hospital bag packed, but i've been doing so much better mentally (although still crappy about calling and texting... sorry!) and i'm feeling more confident in my abilities as a mother to bring one more child into this world and that i'll have enough love and appreciation to go around.  so right now, that's my biggest focus.  thankfully, i'm feeling so grateful for my kids.  

Report card: "great"

I used to think I was a good mom. Actually, I still think that I used to be a good mom. But I don't feel that I'm currently a good mom. So I've been trying to check in with Abigail some nights to see how I'm doing.

Tonight was my best grade yet. I asked her if I was an okay mom today and she said I was fine. Wanting to know what I did right and wrong, I asked her what I was great at today... "Everything". Ha, really?  What was I not great at today? "Nothing!" Seriously?!  I asked her and she confirmed. It was a happy moment for both of us. 

Maybe there is hope for me after all. 

Ps- elder holland spoke at our special stake conference today. The whole conference was amazing and had me in tears. He blessed the entire congregation. The meeting focused a lot on adversity and trials and that everything will be made perfect in the end. We had lunch with him at the Hilliers after. It was a good day. But the very very very best part was that Abigail said I did great. ; ) I'm so happy. 

honey and brady

honey has been traveling more than usual lately to try to get stuff out of the way so that he'll be in town when i go into labor.  i'm happy to report that today i hit 37 weeks, and as of five minutes ago, honey made it home and won't be traveling anymore until june.

while it's hard on me to have my honey gone, it's also hard on the kids because they normally only get to see him for an hour or two on a normal workday... so not seeing him at all is just depressing.  this week, honey was gone to wyoming from 4am monday morning until 7pm tuesday night.  i kept the kids up so they'd get to see him for a bit before bed.  wednesday morning, he was gone again before 5am to go to salt lake and now it's thursday night and he just got back at 9:45.  it's not terribly hard on me in terms of single parenting because honestly, he's barely around to help out in the evening... just 30 minutes or so after dinner.  but i really really miss just having him around while we get ready for bed and i miss seeing him during the night when i wake up and roll over.  it's hard on honey when he gets home late from a trip because he knows he won't get to see the kids until the following night.  he frequently goes into abigail's room to see her because she sleeps like a rock, but it's not like they ever get to talk and she doesn't remember anything in the morning.  but he never gets to see brady.  which is super sad because brady's always asking where daddy is and running to the garage door every time our washing machine enters a new cycle phase that mimics the sound of the garage door.

well tonight was a huge success.  i took the kids to a graduation party for a bunch of kids at church, and even though it was just at our neighborhood clubhouse and we got there really near the beginning... we stayed late and didn't get home til after 8:30.  i put the kids to bed and while abigail fell asleep instantly... brady stayed awake singing in his crib.  when honey got home and found out brady was still awake, he ran up to see him (even though i told him he was being selfish because it would likely make brady cry... ha).  i couldn't hear anything because they were just speaking softly to one another, but i can't get over the preciousness of my honey sharing that time with brady and then rubbing his back and singing to him again before leaving the room (for the record... brady never cried).  for all the times today that brady said "where's daddy? daddy's in salt lake" it just warmed my heart that brady got to see my honey and that he knows he made it home safely.

my precious little boys.

Just call me Lady Tremaine

It is what it is. I can not deny it. 

37 weeks

How far along:  37 weeks  (5.14.15) ...compared to abigail at 37 weeks and brady at 37 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 28.5 lbs

Maternity clothes:  yes...  same as before.  i finally got out my maternity g tops.  don't ask why it took so long but eventually i got sick of trying to pull down my usual tops so the hem wouldn't show through my shirt and leave a line across my lower belly.  annoying that they don't taper in at the bottom though because then it's a problem of them bunching up at the waist of my pants.  how do i get a spot on the committee that designs g's??? 

Sleep:  not bad.  my dreams have been really lowkey and even normal almost.  one night i had a dream that i went into labor when i was already at the doctor's office (getting my cold checked out) and my labor progressed pretty pain free and really fast (maybe 15 minutes or so until my body was pushing my baby out) and then i was all "crap! i need to text chris and tell himi to hurry over here!" so i willed my body to wait... and by the time he arrived, i was no longer in labor and my baby was all safe and nestled in my uterus again.  but also, there was one night that i woke up and couldn't even remember re dreamt about.  

Best moment this week:  mother's day!  my honey rocked it and i felt totally taken care of and spoiled.

Movement:  even more intense than before if that's even possible.  also, baby got hiccups for the first time (that i've noticed) during second or third hour at church on sunday.

Food cravings:  i eat just because it's necessary.  i have zero motivation to prepare anything that requires more time or energy than egg salad sandwiches.  the teriyaki salmon that klaudette made on sunday was really tasty though.  i sure do love salmon. 

Symptoms: same as before but with a whole lotta pregnancy depression.  also, i've been having some sciatic pain... nothing super sharp or horrendous like with my pregnancy with abigail (there were times when i would literally fall on the floor or be unable to walk because the pain was so severe), but it's like a painful cramp on my left side depending on how i'm standing or sitting or sneezing (i've had a cold this week).   luckily it's not very noticeable and it's just something weird to make note of.  the pregnancy depression is pretty debilitating though.

Gender:  girl  ; )

What I miss:  being happy and motivated.  i'm either laying in bed, or wishing that i was laying in bed.  sad but true.

Milestones:  reaching full term!
Theme: the week of having a cold and laying in bed 24/7
What's different this time around/extra:  well, i just read through my 37 week posts with brady and abigail and things are sounding pretty similar!  minor differences are that with abigail, i was still getting tons of stretch marks and, so far as i'm aware, haven't gotten any more with brady's pregnancy or this pregnancy.  also, with abigail, i remember that i had itching so bad, i would scratch to the point of drawing blood and having scabs on my belly.  sorry, gross but true.  i used to have to take bags of peas and corn from the freezer and ice my belly to make it numb so i couldn't feel the itching anymore.  most everything else seems to be pretty similar.  all i wanted to do was lay down, my baby was moving like crazy, i was getting nostalgic for pregnancy to end, i was stressing about not being ready or having everything done that needed to be done, i wasn't crazy about eating, and... i was depressed.  it actually made me feel so much better just now to reread my 37 week post with brady and see just how depressed i was because it makes me feel not so alone (even if i am reading about myself) and because it reminds me that this is just pregnancy... this is just how i am when i'm pregnant and it's not something that'll last forever or something that means i'm a horrible person or a horrible mother.  i feel so blessed that my body handles pregnancy so well, but this pregnancy i've had to hesitate when someone asks me how i feel about being pregnant.  i'm all "oh i love it!  but it does make me really depressed and i lay in bed a lot and spend a lot of time crying" as if that even makes sense.  but it's true.  i love being pregnant, but being pregnant makes me hate everything else.  certain things (that a lot of people wouldn't even give a second thought to) completely drive me crazy and give me horrible rage.  but as i said, it gives me comfort to recognize that i'm experiencing pregnancy depression (strangely, i never got the third trimester depression survey this time around) and that i'm not just this horrible lazy person.  i mean, i am, but it's with reason.  saturday, monday, tuesday, and wednesday of this week all looked pretty similar and it made it easier for me to realize how the depression manifests itself in my behavior.  i did not bother getting dressed.  if i put clothes on, it was late in the day, and only because i was cold, and normally was a hoodie or a shirt with holes and either my giant gray girls camp sweats or yoga pants if i was being a little more fancy.  i didn't bother to put on makeup or wash off my previous makeup.  i regularly go lots of days in a row without showering.  i sometimes don't even bother to put in my contacts because even that seems overwhelming and like too much work.  i don't cook.  i don't clean.  my kitchen hasn't been swept in at least a week and it has enough food on the floor to feed a small african country.  for the last week and a half, my honey has cleaned the kitchen every night that he's been in town.  i yell at my children and actually prefer not to be around them.  even when i wake up at 7:30, i don't get out of bed til after 11 or whenever brady eventually yells at me to get him out of his crib.  i make my kids oatmeal for breakfast if i'm ambitious and then i lay in bed while they eat.  if i'm extra unable to handle life, i have abigail get bananas for the both of them to eat.  i pour one cup of water and have them share, instead of actually getting two cups of water.  i can't look at anything without immediately tracing back in my mind how it's screwed up by abigail (messed up curtains, toys or shoes left out, something broken, etc.) and yesterday, i literally cried when brady finished my box of chocolates that he stole from my nightstand.  gone are the days of me bursting with love and pride at my precious little children.  i mostly just wander around my house and wonder "why on earth can they not just listen or do a SINGLE thing that i've asked or that they know they're supposed to do?!"  and then of course i spend too much time online trying to research new parenting techniques to fix my children because obviously i'm their mother and i'm the reason they're so screwed up because i've failed them.  and then i give up and cry myself to sleep again and then wake up and cry some more.  i'm not looking for any sympathy, i just want to get this all down so that when i'm experiencing this yet again with my next pregnancy... i'll have this to comfort me.  and just so you don't get too worried... i will say that not every day is horrible.  i mean, today i showered (and got dressed and did my hair and makeup), fed myself, kept up with the dishes, have enjoyed my children more and been annoyed less, went to the library for story time (it's the first time i've left the house since sunday night), and have kept my patience about things that would normally be annoying to me and even cause me to yell, scream, and cry.  i won't lie... it's been a pretty good day.  but as far as things go generally, just forgive me for not returning your calls/texts/etc.  it's not because i don't love you.  it's just because i'm depressed and i want to be alone.  

ps- i went back to the library website and put the hypnobirthing book on hold again (well, the 3rd edition... i'd already requested the 4th edition) and that turned out to be a good move because i'm still on hold for the 4th edition (and have been since april 30th or something) but got my hands on the 3rd edition today!  so now i need to study up and review.  yikes!

5.14.15 at 37 weeks

5.14.15 at 37 weeks

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was pretty great. I woke up to delicious breakfast in bed from my honey. Two plates of my favorite French toast with cream cheese, syrup, and berries. And then honey cleaned our entire kitchen. That may have been the best part. ; )  I sure do love a clean kitchen. It did make me feel like a horribly lazy wife though because he's cleaned our kitchen every day since he got home from his trip last Monday. And has fed himself/our kids/our whole family, at least half those nights. I'm big and pregnant and struggle to find the motivation to do anything other than lay in bed. Anyway, it was appreciated. Honey also got both kids ready for church while I showered. And he subbed Abigail's class during church. I had a great three hours of church, a wonderful time skyping with my family, a relaxing naptime reading Harry Potter, and a fun evening eating dinner and opening presents at my in laws. 

So the day was great and honey totally rocked it. But I will say, my kids didn't really do much of anything other than wish me happy Mother's Day and try to take my candy. 

Today though, they did their part. I woke up at 7:30 and, even though I was still so tired, I was too sick and congested to go back to sleep. So I read for a while and then at 9, put my head down to go back to sleep. And sleep I did. I heard abigail come downstairs at 10:15 with books in hand but when she saw I was asleep, she took them to the great room and read by herself on the sofa. I guess she was hungry though because I got a little tap tap tap on my shoulder with a "could you get me a bowl of cereal?" just 15 minutes later. 

So I started my day at 10:30, ate a bowl of cereal in bed, and then read a few books with abigail until I heard brady calling for me at11. Mother's Day part two?  I'll take it. Also, being sick while pregnant is so annoying. All I want is drugs but I never want to take anything. I guess I'll just keep lazing it in bed and blowing my nose every five seconds. 

Happy Monday!