Total weight gain/loss: + 23 lbs
Maternity clothes: if half of them weren't black, i would love them way more. also, like last time, i'm having trouble with shirts being long enough. it's not that my belly is huge (i think it's smaller than last time) but that i'm tall and the elastic on maternity pants goes low and then the pants themselves are constantly falling down. i got a $10 pair of jeans at old navy on black friday while we were waiting for our bowling lane to open and i can zip and button them fine so hopefully having that higher waist and on jeans that don't fall down, will give me more time with my shirts that haven't been long enough lately. and i'm just having to layer really long tank tops underneath. even if it's not as cute.
Sleep: it's going alright. i still haven't been waking up during the night anymore to go to the bathroom which is wonderful. so even though i wake up a couple times during the night, i'm able to fall back asleep within a few minutes. i had a super real dream sunday morning that i'd had my baby. i hopped myself up on the bed and after i gave one push, our baby basically flew out. and then next thing i knew, it was three hours later (baby born at 3:20am and this was 6:40am) and christopher wasn't talking to me and my whole family hated me. everyone was being so mean and even the nurse wouldn't tell me what happened in those three hours that i was blacked out and unconscious. no one would even tell me if my baby had been fed or anything. i had fierce motherly instincts though and nursing went pretty well right off the bat. and then it was the next day and i was trying to nurse my baby again while fielding hateful comments from my siblings. i'm still curious what happened during those three hours and why everyone hated me so much. at least it made me even more excited for nursing though!
Best moment this week: christmas stuff? i loved sitting on the sofa sunday night, with our tree all lit and decorated, just holding my belly and listening to the first presidency christmas devotional. monday night we had the neighborhood christmas party (in chris's parents' neighborhood), tuesday night was the yw cookie exchange chrsitmas party at my house, and wednesday night was honey's company christmas party at the botanical gardens and carmine's on penn. and saturday night we went to the play savior of the world. so christmas is just really happening around here! and abigail, she has been absolutely hilarious lately. and i loved that moment at church when she was so obsessed with kirstyn's baby and wanted it to be happy and have a binky and kept asking "where'd the baby go?" when she saw the empty carseat. i anticipate her being an attentive big sister.
Movement: more and more it's getting uncomfortable. i still wouldn't call it painful but it really does make me gasp out loud. lots of sticking out a pointy body part and then rolling it across my entire abdomen. also, lots more contractions than i was experiencing before. and i'd thought he was head down before but twice on sunday he got the hiccups and i could feel them half way up on my left side. i hope to goodness he's not breech and won't turn breech.
Food cravings: i love egg nog and i'm going through tons of milk (i just fill up my little nalgene bottle when i'm headed out the door and it's always gone within an hour... same at home too) but i still don't like food. preparing it isn't fun and eating it is less fun and attempting to eat leftovers is just downright painful sometimes. abigail and i have really been loving clementines this week though. which is awesome since fruit has been hit and miss for me as well. it's not like i don't ever eat though because i swear i do. when i find something i like then i make sure to eat it and fill up because who knows the next time i'll be able to find something appealing! also, the garlic rolls at carmine's may have been one of the most delicious things i've ever eaten ever. ever ever. garlic is a glorious thing.
Gender: BOY! i've had more confidence lately that i'll love him lots from the beginning. i've also been afraid though that he'll actually cry and i won't want to deal with it. very hesitant about having a baby that cries/fusses.
What I miss: being happy. it got better for a little while so i wasn't really focusing on things to know and remember when it started getting worse but ummm, things are bad. it's getting harder and harder for me to recover from things. so if something makes me sad tuesday afternoon, i'm going to cry about it in bed for at least a solid hour or two and then be on the verge of tears the rest of the night and maybe have another good cry before bed. then all of wednesday i'll be really off and sad and still on the verge of tears and recovering like if my boyfriend broke up with me or something. and even after all of that, it's like my emotions are hesitant to be happy again and then something else will set me off for another 36 hours. so lately i've just been trying to grab at moments of happiness. could be two seconds or it could be a whole hour but i try to emphasize those to myself. i was in denial about it before but after a few situations lately i'm all out of denial. pregnancy depression in full swing. heaven help me. that being said though... i do have days that i do alright, it's just still scary always knowing that i could be two seconds away from a 36 hour depression.
Milestones: baby boy is full term! this blows my mind.
Theme: the week of some severe lows.
Extra: i'm panicking hardcore about how fast things are going by and how i'm not ready for this kid to come yet. can't i just stay 8 months pregnant for a few more months?! i'm content in my current state! buy me more time with abigail! and more time with my bump! and my pain-free body!
i am like a magnet for sitting down. really it's like there's a gravitational pull between me and anything i can sit or recline on. my body is fine if i'm walking but please don't make me stand! it makes me feel like a drug addict or something because subconsciously and consciously, i'm constantly looking around for something to sit on. it makes me laugh when i realize it too.
i had my 37 week appointment on wednesday. i went into it with mixed emotions because it's the nurse practitioner that i don't like... the one that's super awkward and almost passive aggressive. but i made it a game to remember all the weird stuff she said and made notes on my phone as soon as she walked out the door. well, she didn't disappoint. she walked in the door booming "hello carrie! this is a big day for you!" to which i curiously replied "it is?" thinking she'd say something like "it marks the day you're full term!" or something like that. nope. "yeah, it's a big day! you've got the strep test, the blah blah blah, and the other who knows what." ohhh yes, i'm aware. i assume that's why i'm not wearing any pants right now. as she continues repeating various forms of "yup, you definitely won't like this!" what the heck?! who says that?! i'm an optimist and i don't appreciate those kinds of comments. i hate when people say stuff like "oh, you'll hate that orange glucose drink" and whatnot because honestly, i go into it assuming it'll be fine and it always is. she also asked if i'd be traveling anymore and i told her no (who travels when they're due two days after christmas?!) and she was like "yeah, that's good, you're just going to be so unhappy and uncomfortable. y'know from being so big and getting headaches and it's stressful with the holidays and blah blah blah" which rendered me speechless. and then she went on about how her husband's birthday is right after christmas and it's a pain but her brother's birthday is the 23rd and that's just way worse and he always hated it growing up and whatever and i'm thinking "enough already lady! i know it's the worst time of the year to have a birthday (the guilt is already there for me and it's not like we get to pick when our babies come!) and birth a baby (i'm missing a freaking carribean cruise for this!) so why are you emphasizing this and dwelling on it?! just let me be happy to be having a baby! it's a huge blessing, remember?!?! anyways, then i decided to stop being so quiet. i needed to let this lady know that i'm happy to be pregnant and happy to have a kid that will hate their birthday and that i've done this before and all the other stuff i'd been staying silent about. and y'know what? it totally turned things around! i think she was trying to be compassionate by commisserating with me or something but when i started telling her that i like being pregnant and i'm already nostalgic for it to end and that even when i was five days late with abigail, i wasn't uncomfortable or anxious to "get her out" etc, she responded well to it! she kept on saying stuff like "i keep forgetting you've done this before!" and "y'know, some women just hate it and they come in here telling me to 'just get this thing out!' to which i tell them 'it's' a baby and 'it' will come out when 'it' is ready to come!" so she just completely flipped sides to the camp of "pregnancy is awesome!" my last appointment, with the actual doctor, i was asked about birth control and when i told her i didn't want to do birth control she said that was totally fine and if i had a normal delivery i was free to get pregnant as soon as i wanted but if i had a c-section to wait at least three months or something. this was awesome because in california my doctor harassed me over the space of multiple appointments about how i NEEDED birth control and it was so so so very dangerous and bad for your body to get pregnant too soon and even if you're nursing you can still get pregnant and on and on. i'm glad my honey kept me grounded because i eventually just lied to her and told her we'd use condoms (this way she couldn't keep track of if i'd filled a prescription). so i guess it wasn't written in the system because the np asked me if i'd be needing birth control and i told her we weren't going to. she asked "is it for religious reasons, are you going to be doing natural family planning?" and i told her no and no, we just felt like this was right for us and we're happy to get a baby whenever one comes. i told her it took us over two years to get pregnant with abigail and that ever since, we've just felt like this was what's right for our family. and she was perfectly happy with that! everything about my pregnancy with abigail was perfect and textbook. and same with this one. so i was kinda surprised when the np said i was measuring small and showed some concern about it. apparently at my last appointment at 34 weeks i measured right on. and this time at 37 weeks, i was only measuring 30 weeks. how did i shrink?! i know i'm smaller this time than with abigail but baby boy also feels super cramped in there and just really compact and i've carried differently since the beginning. anyways, i assured her that he was moving great (was during the whole appointment too) and i wasn't too worried. she said my weight gain was perfect and since that obviously wasn't the problem, she was going to have a nurse come in to check my fluid levels to make sure that wasn't an issue. and then she said, "if i don't see you again, happy holidays!" ummm WHAT?!?! you better see me again! you better see me again in a week at my 38 week appointment! anyways, my fluid levels were checked and they were fine. and twice i declined a non stress test because honestly this kid never ever stops moving and i knew it would be pointless. and it would also make me late to pick up abigail from baby school. not that that was really an issue but still. she said i'm at a 1.5 and 30%. and now that i'm paying attention to contractions i'm noticing they're definitely more frequent and getting stronger and more uncomfortable. so we'll see at my appointment next week if that yields progress. baby, please don't come early! just come on your due date and that would be perfect for everyone involved!
2 comments:
It makes me so sad to hear things have been rough. Seriously, call me if you need to talk! Or facetime me with your fancy nancy new phone! You look wonderful and you're going to be a great mom and I know that's not what makes you down (it's just the dang hormones) but I hope you are doing better all the same.
Finally checking in on you! Sometimes boys just make you sad. I blame having testosterone growing in our bellies and our bodies not liking the manliness. I hope it all goes away for you when your precious wonderful boy comes out! And whenever he comes out is good!! My birthday is Dec 21 and I never hated it. I always had lots of family in town to celebrate with :)
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