My dearest, sweet grandmother passed away Wednesday night. I found out Thursday afternoon at the cabin. And now, tonight, it has finally hit me. I think this would have been easier for me if I hadn't spent so much time with grandmother over the past year and the past weeks. When she was in the hospital, I was begging and praying with Heavenly Father to take her quickly and telling grandmother that she should go if she would like to go because we all just want her to be happy. But then I kept hanging out with her and spending more time with her and I don't know... I just let that thought drift. And now tonight I just keep thinking, but no... I wasn't ready. But let's be honest... I would never be ready for this. I told honey tonight about a distinct memory I have when I was younger, probably less than 10, and I was walking on my street and was worried and sad for the day that my grandparents would be gone and what if I couldn't go to the farm anymore. Little did I know that I had 20 more years with them but of course the feelings the same.
When I visited granny on Sunday at sunrise, I loved smelling her hair. Mom had just rolled it and when I hugged and kissed granny, it just smelled like her. And I was so thankful for that. She told mom and me that she loved us. As we walked away, she opened her eyes and watched us for a bit. It's always so hard for me to leave granny... I always want just a few or fifteen more minutes but I didn't run back that time because we had a strict time limit to stick to to make our flight that afternoon. What I would give to run back for more hunga and kisses and to hold her hands some more. I still know it wouldn't be enough though. I just need to keep reminding myself of how I felt when she was in the hospital. When I told her she should do whatever she wanted. My initial reaction to her passing was that of happiness and relief. Relief that she was released from her mortal body and happiness that she could be with papa again. Days later, I'm wallowing in self pity but am grateful to always have her legacy. I told her also in the hospital that I would continue to always think of her. That I had two Elizabeth's and that even when she was gone, I would have my little Elizabeth as a reminder and a momento. They're my little Elizabeths.
My heart is so broken. Hoping tomorrow I feel more joy and less loss.
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