ode to baby girl

yesterday baby girl saved me.  seriously, my morning with brady was rough.  like needing constant attention.  not just to be held or placed in his bouncer but needing to replace the binky in his mouth every 5-10 seconds or hold it in there constantly.  and still listen to his grunts, squirms, cries, and whatever else.  he would stay awake and eat for 45 mins or so but instead of putting himself to sleep at that point, he'd get a second wind and become over stimulated so i'd spend the next hour and a half trying to get him to calm down and go to sleep.  and then he'd wake up after an hour because it was time to eat again.

so thank goodness baby girl was my precious little child that she normally is.  she was acting out and super whiny the whole time my mom was here and i just kept repeating, "i can handle a difficult newborn or a difficult toddler but it's going to be a stretch for me to do both at the same time."  i guess baby girl took this to heart because she slept in, woke up in a great mood, and played happily in her crib til i got her out at 11:00.  then we cuddled and read books together on the loveseat in her room for half an hour.  and i told her to go play trains and i'd join her in just a second after i checked on brady.  who of course was already stirring and then crying.  so then i was trying to get him happy again and feeling bad that i wasn't "coming right back" like i'd promised baby girl.  but she just came down and was okay with it.  she told me she was hungry and then kept begging me for milk but didn't melt down about the fact that i was feeding brady and couldn't help her just yet.  when we finally went to the kitchen to get milk she pulled her sippy out of the fridge and started drinking it like a lost soul in the desert.  bless that child for putting up with me.

and then she helped me make eggs and she ate an awesome breakfast and was so cute and such an awesome listener all day.  when i started to get the chills and aches, i crawled in bed.  brady had finally fallen asleep in his carseat by my bed and i climbed under the covers and told baby girl to bring us some books to read.  so we did that for probably an entire hour with her bringing me book after book and then returning them and getting more.  we looked at the gorgeous views out the window from the comfort of our cozy bed and warm covers heated to the max with our electric blanket.  i was soaking this kid up.  she is worth her weight in gold times a million.

then she nicely ate her lunch.  it was painful to pick her up so i just gave her a banana and told her to stay in the kitchen and she ended up following me in circles around the island as i paced and clutched my chest.  so cold, so achey, so tired, so much pain.  i put her in her crib and she was so sweet and fell right to sleep.  i came downstairs and of course brady was stirring as i crawled in bed.  and then i started to cry.  i can't do this.  i can't deal with this pain and stay awake with him for the next two and a half hours feeding him and trying to get him to go to sleep just in time for abigail to wake up.  and that's when my prayers were answered with drugs and somehow i fed my child and loved him and was able to place him in his carseat and have him put himself to sleep without a binky, without crying, and without me walking around and swinging his carseat.  the flu symptoms went away and i actually felt happy and competent even!  and my precious little girl slept forever and didn't get out of her crib til just before 6.  it was like she knew i really really needed those three and a half hours that day.  she continued to be a good listener for the rest of the day and it wasn't until she was in bed for the night that i realized not once did she ever even ask to watch tv (which was one incessant tantrum while my mom was visiting).

the whole day i was just thinking about how it was like she knew i needed her help and she delivered.  and so last night, still thinking about that, it brought back to me those first few weeks of her life when she never ever cried.  i was in so much pain from my labor recovery and then right after that again so much pain from clogged milk ducts.  that whole first month of motherhood was so physically painful for me (as referenced in this post again) and i remember every day thinking that baby girl not ever crying was heavenly father's way of helping me through it because i was physically unable to care for my child in my often bedridden state.  as even mentioned in this post, i was so sure that once i was over the rough part, my non-crying child would turn into a normal screaming newborn (and that i would try to be okay with that because her goodness had served its purpose) ...but she never did.  she stayed sweet.  even when she was 11 months old, right before we moved, i had a friend in the ward (with a daughter just a week older than abigail) ask me "does your baby ever cry?  i see her at church every week and when you guys are at the park and when you bring her to relief society activities and i have honestly never seen your child cry."  and then i had to tell her... "ehhh, she cries.  just not very often."  like almost never.

so i am so grateful for my sweet baby girl... who continues to take care of me and save my sanity.  i really don't know how to describe it but she still is just so wise sometimes.  she is the most perfect child i could ever imagine.