Total weight gain/loss: +6-7 lbs
Maternity clothes: yeah, same as before. just trying to find flattering clothes to wear when i go out. i'm starting to wear more fitted shirts when i go out, but honestly, a lot of the time, it just looks like a heavy gut.
Sleep: i feel like it's been better this week. my dreams are weird but not necessarily exhausting. i've been going to sleep at a decent hour. and brady has even stayed in his bed several nights this week which probably helps more than anything. i've found that i need an absence of brady and at least ten hours of sleep to feel rested in the morning. it's crazy that i can get 8 or 9 hours of sleep and just still feel tired. so i'm trying to get as much sleep as i can but the downside when you sleep as much as your kids is that you forego any awake alone time. but i'm trying to convince myself that that's okay because when i'm well rested, i need far less awake alone time than i otherwise need.
Best moment this week: i'd say tuesday... i even blogged about it! but even monday was pretty good with visiting teaching most of the morning and then talking to em on the phone some too.
Movement: still some contractions... also, even more kicks and turns now. it's crazy how much and how frequently i feel them! i've even been feeling them while i'm standing up and doing other things! it really is great.
Food cravings: it's still much the same as last week. still hard for me to find food that sounds appealing. although i have had some times this week where certain foods have sounded appealing even if i don't end up making them or even if i make them and they don't really hit the spot. the desire for food is half the battle so i'm happy for any yearnings for food. this is probably the reason that i'm not really gaining weight. i'm pretty sure all of my weight gain this pregnancy happened in the two weeks i was in atlanta. no joke.
Symptoms: nausea and headaches most evenings that last until i go to sleep, depression (crying and anger and apathy), increased fatigue, terrible acne, still sometimes feeling like i'm going to faint/pass out when i stand up, weird dreams, waking several times during the night for no reason at all, weird food aversions, pure laziness, growing stomach...
Gender: of course i'm still thinking girl, but i've been trying to be equally open to both. i want to be mentally prepared for either one. i think i really would prefer a girl this time around (having all of the clothes match up for that season and because it all seems so recent doing it with elizabeth the summer before last. the main downside of a girl this time would mean that next time, i would 100% be dying for a boy and stressing if it's not. i've had this thing for a long time that i want each of my kids to have at least one brother and one sister. and aiming for five or six kids... the chances are decent. but, with how hard this pregnancy has been so far and stressing about future pregnancies, it would be nice to get the boy this time. soooo, i guess there are pros and cons to each and we'll just call it a win win. we find out on tuesday though! it's gone by pretty fast this time and i credit that with not giving myself the opportunity (or torture, depending how you frame it) of thinking about it too much.
What I miss: similar to last week, but not as bad, i hate feeling so out of control about my life and emotions and being such a crappy mother. i relish the times that i feel happy or almost happy. hoping to get this under control and maybe i'll enjoy part of this pregnancy!
Milestones: i'm in my last week before i hit halfway! i'll be out of the teens and on the other side of the hill!Theme: the week of ups and downs... with at least one day of really low and one day of pretty good and enough days in between.
What's different this time around: most closely following elizabeth's pregnancy.
Extra: it's hard going to sleep and not knowing what kind of day you're going to have next. i realize how stupid that sounds, but i'm used to most all of my days being good or amazing. but being depressed it's like "i wonder if i'll have the energy or motivation to get dressed tomorrow"... "i hope i'll be able to get abigail to school without yelling and shouting horrible things at my kids before 9am"... "will i be able to function enough to figure out what to feed myself and three kids for an entire day?"... "if i make it a goal to make it through the day without crying, will i just feel worse about myself if i don't succeed?"... "what is absolutely essential that i do tomorrow? if i just make sure to get abigail to and from school and get elizabeth out of her crib in the morning and then back down for a nap, can i stay in bed for everything else?" it's sad. honestly, i go back and forth between thinking this is crazy and i'm an absolute wreck to having trouble remembering my previous life and basically convincing myself that this isn't too far from the norm. i've lost my grip on reality enough that i don't fully trust myself anymore. that part is scary.
on thursday, i felt more like a zombie and out of touch with life than i have ever felt before ever ever ever. my face muscles were permanently resting. i could muster no expression for anything. i could barely even get mad at my kids. i spent a lot of time in bed. i'd planned to shower before my anger class but never could get myself to and i barely even got myself dressed before i needed to leave. i found myself just sitting and staring into space like i was frozen. like even after the anger class when i climbed in the car and just sat there. like what am i supposed to be doing and is it really necessary and okay, so do i need to start the car now? everything looked dark, like the whole work was foggy with dark clouds. even in the anger class, i couldn't get myself to take notes or answer any questions or even look at the instructor half the time. it was terrible. emotionally, i was so done... like just completely empty. i felt like this horrible empty shell of a person. but not even an empty shell of myself... it was an empty shell of a different person... someone else. that i'd never even met before. i felt so weird and detached and i just can't explain it any better than that. luckily friday wasn't the same. saturday was lacking motivation and i still felt empty, but i managed to drop off and pick up abigail from a birthday party she had although i struggled to maintain eye contact with anyone i talked to.
sunday, i spent three hours in frustration but apathy with my kids' terrible behavior and was unable to do anything. i didn't know if it was better to yell at them and make them get dressed and eat or if it was better to keep myself in bed so i didn't' do anything regrettable. but at 10:30, abigail and brady still weren't fed or dressed and their room was still a disaster (although it was a small miracle that they didn't pull the desk hutch on top of them and die from it because it did tip over enough to dump the contents from the shelves and make a loud crash that i heard from downstairs... it reminded me of when i was pregnant with elizabeth and one sunday morning, brady fell out the window and almost fell off the roof). and i hadn't eaten or gotten out of my bathrobe, but elizabeth had gotten a bath and was in the process of eating. when chris got home, i started crying and couldn't stop. so umm, elizabeth and i had to stay home from church. i stayed in my bathrobe all day.
monday was decent with visiting teaching and i even made a broccoli potato soup for dinner.
tuesday was the good day that i blogged about.
so, judging just by the days of this past week, i'm getting better... maybe my medicine is working! but who knows? i did cancel my wednesday therapy appointment though just because i didn't feel the necessity and i didn't want to have to find childcare and spend two hours away from my kids. i'm hoping i'm on the upswing but glad i have such a great support system in the meantime.
No comments:
Post a Comment