the last time

because lots of my facebook friends are young moms, i see a lot of links in my newsfeed about being a stay at home mom, not beating yourself up for not being "good enough", etc.  and a lot about how the days are long but the years fly by fast.  well, i kinda hate those because i never really feel like i relate (ask me again next year though!) but i read this article a week or so ago and loved it.  i thought it was such a sweet reminder although, as usual, it further heightened the anxiety that i already feel every day about my time with my sweet little baby girl just slipping through my fingers.  like how her verbal skills are improving so fast that it's making me sad.  i looooove those in between times when kids are just barely getting the hang of walking or talking or whatever it is.  right at that "turn the corner" moment.  but then your kid has turned the corner and mastered that new skill or moved on from that annoying habit and it's sad because it's hard to remember or "see" how it used to be.

so the article is about "the last time" and how there are so many firsts in parenting that are celebrated but so many lasts that slip by unnoticed until they're long gone.  i looooooovved nursing baby girl.  although nursing that first month was probably the most physically painful thing i've ever experienced in my entire life, it was so worth it because once my body got the hang of things, baby girl and i enjoyed over a year of blissful nursing. i remember the first time i nursed her like it was yesterday.  even in the months that followed, i remember that i never multi-tasked while i nursed her.  i just gazed at her and soaked it in.  i didn't text on my phone or read a book or watch tv.  and if i was in the middle of a phonecall when she needed to eat, i'd have baby girl wait a few minutes so i could end the call and nurse her quietly as just the two of us.  when she turned a year old though, christopher reminded me of our previous agreement for me to quit nursing if i hadn't started ovulating yet.  we wanted to have our kids close together and knew it could take a while.  so at a year i started weaning her.  it was heartbreaking for me.  like my eyes are welling up with tears right now just thinking about it and this was over a year ago.  i knew it was the right thing though.  even though the right thing can be difficult.  but here's the thing. i can't remember the last time i nursed her.  it was just so gradual that i didn't know the end had come until long after the fact.  i think the last time i nursed baby girl was maybe in september.  but honestly, i think it was more likely october.  maybe i blogged about it or i could pick up clues by going through my archives but really i don't think so.  it just slipped on by.

the first time is momentous.  the middle times seem endless.  and that last time happens without you even realizing it.

we haven't even started with potty training baby girl and i'm already panicking that i'm going to somehow change her last diaper ever and not even realize it was it until months later.  anyone have any excellent tips about reducing anxiety that your kid is growing up too fast and you have no way to slow down time?!  i felt like i had things under control a while ago but i'm losing it and the anxiety is back.  baby girl is growing up faster than i can keep up with.