i frequently have trouble falling asleep at night because my head is overwhelmed with thoughts of how great my life is. and frequently during the day i do that awkward squealy voice is cracking giggle laugh while i get butterflies in my stomach and hop in place because i'm loving that moment so much. i can't think of a time in my life that i have ever been happier than what i am right now. that's a really good thing, right?
lately i've been wondering (not kidding, i just wrote "wonderful" on accident... words like that are just always on my mind) if that's really true. i've been worried about that lately for a few reasons.
reason one: i love my life so much that i'm getting a lot of anxiety about not being able to preserve time. you can't freeze a moment. each second only lasts that one second. and you'll never experience that second again. it's gone. forever. sometimes that's really great when you fall down and scrape your knee, but when you're me and you're playing with your baby all day and loving every second, you just want to take videos and pictures and blog about it but you also just want to enjoy the moment without having to look through a lens. and the worst part is that no matter what you do, nothing will really preserve it. putting together that puzzle and reading those books and watching your baby light up and scream "DADDY!!!!" while banging two pan lids together like cymbals can feel like the absolute best moment of your life... but there are so many... and they slip away and become fuzzy like all the rest. i know more come, but i want all of them. i want to keep them all in a little glass jar that i can see and hold and go to any time i want. but i can't. and it stresses me out in a very very bad way.
reason two: i love everything soooooo much just how it is, that i'm hesitant for anything to change. tomorrow something will change for me. i'm excited about it but i'm also sad about it. and really, i'm worried how it will affect my day to day life. worried about "what if these changes make me not love my life as much?" or if i'll wish i could go back to how things were before. and this feels like i'm opening a can of worms but i'll go ahead and say that something else along these lines is that i'm hesitant to get pregnant again because i know it'll change things. i'll get sick, i'll be consumed with migraines, and i'll be miserable. i guess i don't know that for sure because maybe it'll be different this next time around, but even if i got lucky, i'm sure i'd go through some sort of morning sickness... which will probably make me a less enthusiastic mom. and then i'll have a baby.... a tiny little newborn. and it'll be hard (because there is no freaking way i'm going to get an angel baby again) and i'll be tired and taking care of a toddler will become a chore and not the joy it is now. i know this happens to people because i've heard many accounts of similar stories. i know i can handle having two kids and three and four and five but right now? my life is more than perfect with just the one and i don't want to rock the boat. because that's kind of something you can't go back on. there are a million more things i could say about this and explain the million ways in which i am torn, but instead, i'm going to go to sleep and pray my little heart out that i can get some of this emotional turmoil resolved.
tell me i'm not the only one though. have you ever thought that maybe your good life is really just the calm before the storm? comfort me. please.
2 comments:
Ok - novel time. Fist, I love you SO stinkin much and you DO have a GREAT life that will, believe it or not, get SO much better!! You're heart has this HUGE capacity to grow that is just so hard to explain, but works itself out. I am always super scared of change, especially when I think things are JUST right the way thy are. When we got pregnant with Cason I had an extremely hard time emotionally with thoughts of what if I can't spread the love? Or what if Adalie feels ignored? What id I am sick and cannot take care of her? Or my husband? Or I am not doing enough with my kids? For my family? Just TONS of silly worried thoughts all the time because of huge change coming. Brett, as you know is amazing and is always so sweet to talk to me and understand and also, it was knowing that hundreds of people deal with change all the time and they are no better than me =) I can do it. YOU can do it. Life is always open for a better moment than before even when you thinks its the greatest moment you've had yet! And you will ALWAYS have someone, you're wonderful Family and husband who adore the heck out of you and A Heavenly Father and Savior who, as an adult I am coming to understand so much more that they know me and love me....even through my silly rantings and ravings and hormones. I love realizing I am so much more than a pile or laundry or dirty dishes, that I deserve to be happy with everything in my life. You. Are. Beautiful. and You. Are. Wonderful. We love you.... =)
I can totally relate to this and a month ago or so was feeling this exact same way. Then came a big change and now I'm in that upheavel state (though it's not bad, just stressful....see new blog post). I love to read all of your new posts and about baby girl. She's adorable and I love your perspective on life! Thanks for making me laugh a lot!
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