out with a bang

my whole weekend has been kinda magical.

obviously, friday night was awesome.

saturday was really great too though.  we all slept in and then hurried out the door to run errands together.  hit up vitamin cottage for some tahini (so we can make hummus now!) and then to costco where we filled up on a ton of amazing samples (greek yogurt cheeescake, delicious cheeses, chicken sandwiches... some old favorites and some new stuff i hadn't ever tried before) and got groceries and these cubbie things i've wanted forever, and then i ran in walmart for a they're-never-ever-quick return.  it was a luxury to be able to run in vitamin cottage and walmart by myself without having to drag two kids along.  even if i did always have to hear from honey about how long that took.  yes, but it would have taken me even longer if i'd taken two kids... and would have been infinitely more painful for us all.

after lunch, i put brady down for a nap and honey took baby girl to see monsters university.  we're not big movie theater people and honestly, the only reason he even took her was because we got four free movie passes when we recently bought new tires for my car, but baby girl had never seen a movie at a movie theater before and honey really wanted to take her.  he wanted to use the other two passes to take me on a date night but long story short, i'm actually going to use the other two to take baby girl to see turbo (that snail movie) later this week.  i'm excited for our girls night.  while honey and baby girl were gone, i put together all those cube organizer things.  the first one took almost an hour but the other two were quick.  like 20 minutes.  steep learning curve.  i really like putting things like that together.

we went on another walk/bike ride to the playground and it was great.  perfect weather and baby girl is so adorable.  she's so quick to make friends.  or at least try to make friends.  a little boy at the playground looked to be her same age and was wearing a thomas t-shirt so baby girl  kept following him around and talking to him like they were bff.  he ignored her much of the time but there did seem to be some moments that they were actually communicating and playing together.  i think one or both of his parents speak german... so maybe he just doesn't understand english that well.  either way, it's always a whole bundle of emotions watching baby girl make new friends.  it fills me with pride that she is so sweet and innocent and friendly and it wracks me with fear that she'll get her feelings hurt or learn how to be mean.

so then we all walked home and got our kids in bed early (brady has been crazy tired lately... probably from a growth spurt or something) and baby girl didn't nap (we put her down for a really early nap in case she wanted to sleep a bit before the movie but she just played in her crib the whole time) and finished our movie from the night before.  i actually really enjoyed the movie (the big year) which probably means that most people wouldn't enjoy it.  i don't like movies that are too emotionally charged and this one was perfectly middle of the line without being too boring.  it's a given that i don't like movies that are too sad or scary but i also don't like movies that are too happy or uplifting.  romance movies portray an ideal that can make it hard to be satisfied with the day in, day out of your wonderful but simple marriage.  and movies like ruby or the blind side make me feel like i'm not doing enough with my life.  i do really love super funny movies though... but then you get in to the question of if it's risque or inappropriate.  so here's my plug for a funny enough to make you smile but not too emotionally charged in any way sort of movie.  also, i like the bbc pride and prejudice.  but i bet you already knew that.  (even though it portrays a romantic ideal, my honey is actually a lot like mr. darcy and it only portrays the courtship, and it takes place in a time with completely different social norms).  it's a perfect movie... i can find no fault.

and then today.  i wasn't really looking forward to today (maybe i'll look forward to sundays again eventually but not quite yet... too busy and hectic) but, as usual, i was pleasantly surprised.  byc was good.  sacrament meeting was awesome.  i got to go to some of sunday school (like maybe ten minutes) which was really good.  and yw third hour was good.  it was a bit hectic because i was on my own since honey was tied up with a church auditing meeting and i took baby girl to the bathroom twice (she never ended up going til we got home) and brady needed two diaper changes (neither of which coincided with the time i took him to the mother's lounge to feed him).  so it was like most other sundays where i'm making my way back and forth across the church building in heels with my church bags and a baby carseat and a three year old that only knows two speeds, one of which is running and the other which resembles a drunken kitten.

but it was okay because we all left happy and honey's auditing meeting actually got out on time so he got home right after we did.  and after a quick lunch, all four of us took spectacular naps.  we went on another walk/bike ride tonight around the neighborhood a little bit and just sort of hung out as a family.  those walks are amazing though.  abigail is so cute on her bike and so obedient stopping and looking for cars at each intersection.  brady is so happy and content in his stroller.  honey is removed from technological distractions and just puts his arm around my waist while we walk and talk about life.  is there anything more to want?  i think not.

so that was my weekend.  start to finish, just wonderful.  sometimes it's rough to have a stellar weekend when it starts out so great because it's hard to keep up the greatness.  but this time, it was great the whole time and we went out with a bang.

honey's home!

after being out of town more often than not for the past couple of weeks... my honey is back in town!

this morning was good.  baby slept late and i had to wake her up at 10 so she wouldn't miss baby school/sassy girls club this morning.  she had an awesome time and made a little indian thankful hat.  then we went to the playground with jodi and elle.  the weather could not have been more pleasant.  it was heavenly and we stayed until 1:30.  headed home for lunch and nap.  baby girl woke up in a good mood and things were going well until they weren't.

so thank goodness for honey coming home and saving the day.  he made me feel better about our avocado disappointment, the clean kitchen efforts that kept getting thwarted by a cry baby, my achey back and blistered hands, and fifty times over, that cry baby that went through probably half a roll of "tissue" (toilet paper).

luckily my christopher was fine eating cottage cheese and a microwave quesadilla and chips and salsa and rootbeer and goodness knows what else.  and luckily he was happy to put baby girl to bed while i took a hot shower.

i feel better about life now.

consequences

one reason not to procrastinate?

you may find yourself out at 10 pm on a saturday night, sliding all over the highway on the slick icy roads as you take back library movies and fill your car up with gas in 22* weather.

i seriously had to laugh at that one.

sleep regression?

i feel like i've heard it's normal for two year olds' sleep habits to regress.  is that true or is that google just backing up whatever i type into it?  and they say it happens when a kid is 27 months old.  which baby girl will be in ten days.

anyways, her actual sleep is just the same, it's just that she's not as enthusiastic about it as she was before.  like after lunch she'll ask to play or watch thomas or somehing and i'll tell her she can do all those things after nap.  this used to work just fine but now she'll say "all done nap" which has to make me laugh because then i always tell her that she hasn't started napping yet and she's most definitely not all done.  but then she goes down alright... even if she's not lunging for the crib.

night time is worse though.  at night she wants nothing to do with chris... everything is "i want mommy hold you", "i want mommy read it", and "i want mommy do it" and on and on.  and tonight she even ran away from chris and hid behind my legs after i told her that daddy would read stories with her in her chair.  tonight was the worst yet. so i put her to bed again.  and we were doing great reading stories and even when we went over to her crib to pray.  but after we said amen, instead of lunging into her crib like she used to, she started whimpering and whining and trying to squirm to stay in my arms and not be put in the crib.  i put her in anyways and told her to lay down so i could give her her sippy and put her blanket on her.  this is the first night that SHE WOULDN"T LAY DOWN!  what?!  i didn't want to completely abandon her though so i worked with her for a minute or two to try to find a book she'd like that she could keep in the crib with her.  she wasn't liking any of my options and eventually i just put in a spot book (spot the dog, not actual spots) because all her pooh bear, thomas, and peter rabbit books were downstairs.  she wasn't happy about it but i knew she had her blanket, she was fed, she had a book, she had a sippy, and really she was set with everything... just stalling.  so i went over our "everybody naps" routine that we use for situations like this "elmo sleeps, mommy sleeps, daddy sleeps, thomas sleeps, lucy sleeps, everybody sleeps, everybody naps, and now abigail is going to nap too."  didn't really work.  as soon as i walked out she started crying.  loud.  and kept it up for 4 or 5 minutes.  and then it stopped.  and then all i could hear for the next twenty minutes was her sweet singing so she obviously wasn't very distraught.

but what is that?!  why does she suddenly prefer me SO STRONGLY (she's always preferred me for bedtime... i think it's a mom thing... and preferred chris for playtime) and panic when we put her in her crib.  she even told me repeatedly before she brushed her teeth that she wanted to nap on her closet floor.  it's all super weird and bizarre and i just wish i knew what the problem was.  kinda because i feel bad for baby girl but kinda because i fear for myself that this problem will get worse instead of better.

so the things i've come up with as possible reasons are:
1. honey has been traveling and busy with work lately... especially this week (this will continue for the next six weeks at least)
2. two year molars (i haven't felt anything yet but if it follows the pattern of her other teeth, the worst pain happens before they actually break through)
3. colder weather and nightfall happening earlier (we stay inside now between nap and bedtime because it's dark outside whereas before we used to take a walk to the park or play on the driveway for a while)
4. developmental changes that come with getting older and becoming more aware (maybe she's learning to be afraid of the dark or experiencing separation anxiety or just preferences in general... or even learning manipulation)
5. my life was too easy before so this just happened to be a fun thing to throw at me (just kidding... this is not a big deal for me, but it does give me angst to think that baby girl could be fearful and dreading naps/bedtime... because that would just suck for her.

sooo, i need help.  is this here to stay?  is this just a passing phase that will be long forgotten in two weeks time?  i want things to be as pleasant as possible for her since we're leading up to a lot of change with having a new baby.  her world is going to be rocked in three months so i want her to feel more confident and comfortable these days, not like she's losing her footing.  does that even make sense?

i know i'm only two years into it but motherhood has been super easy for me so far.  partly because my kid is one of the easiest kids ever, but partly because i had so many years of practice with other people's kids.  nighttime sleep though is something that i have less experience with than most other things so i'm not quite so confident in this area.

advice and words of comfort would be especially appreciated right about now...  poor baby girl.

*nothing else about her sleep has changed though.  she still sleeps through the night/takes a full length nap, wakes up happy, and plays for a while before she calls me to come get her.  the only thing that's different is the actual putting her in her crib part.

and now it's winter

i posted yesterday about what a gorgeous fall day it was.  and then last night it snowed.  baby girl slept in super late (she has been waking up between 8 and 9 for the last two weeks though!) so i didn't get out of bed in time to see it.  there was a little ice still left in the shade of my front yard but mostly i just went off of pictures that my friends posted on facebook of their front yards (tarin, yours was excellent!).  it's been in the 30's all day so to celebrate, baby girl anld i have stayed in our pj's (well, sweats for me) all day and hanging around the house.

when i woke up, our house was 60 degrees.  sadly, i still haven't turned on the heat yet.  because i am stubborn.  and cheap.  but it was freezing when i got out of bed this morning.  and when i went upstairs to get baby out of her crib... well, she was naked except that she kept her diaper on.  since she was in footie pj's for the first time in 6+ months, i guess she thought it'd be fun to unzip them and take them off.

how appropriate that last night i deemed it cold enough for baby to wear fleece footies (instead of her normal cotton, 2 piece pj's) and chose the one with snowmen on it.  because i'm sure she just felt the excitement in her bones that she got to ring in our first snow while wearing her snowman pj's.

we checked out a book from the library earlier this week (if i'm honest, we have about 45 items checked out from the library - just kidding it's exactly 50... i got curious and just checked online) called "white" and it tells a story and highlights things that are white (mittens, snow, bunny, milk, marshmallows, ice) as it tells about two kids and their step dad going ice skating and making hot chocolate.  well, baby girl is really in to telling me that marshmallows are white.  clouds are white.  snow is white.  and on and on.  at least i know she's learning from it, right?

i think it might be time to break out our electric blanket.  my honey groaned last night when i told him that but i think it's just because he knows i love that thing almost as much as i love him and baby girl.  and milk.  "milk is white."

i'm sad

baby girl is so cute.  one of my favorite things she's been doing lately is getting more in tune with emotions and feelings.  when she hears a baby crying, she gets worried and tells me that the baby is sad.  when she's swinging on the swings at the park she tells me that "abigail's happy!" and when she cries she always tells me, "abigail's sad" which is so sweet and adorable it melts my heart every time.  so now whenever i'm feeling down, it's my first reaction to think "i'm sad" (sorry, i don't do third person) with almost the same simplicity and honesty as baby girl.

you see, pregnancy is a tricky thing.  so are kids, but that's for another post.

i feel like i've been doing pretty well this pregnancy managing my emotions.  concentrating more on monitoring my emotions and keeping myself in check.  well, saturday on the way home from our outing i went from happy to sad faster than most cars can go from 0 to 60.  when we got home, christopher took abigail in to put her down for a nap.  i stayed in the car and cried.  then i collected myself while i collected our crap load of food, sweaters, shoes, trash, etc from our outing and headed in the house.  i was supposed to meet up with friends at noodles to hang out before the relief society broadcast.  i was already late and would have had to just change clothes and run out the door.  but seriously?  that wasn't going to happen when my face was splotchy and i'm still on the verge of tears.  i headed up some leftover soup and climbed in bed.  i was hoping it would pass but it didn't.  at the last possible second i managed enough self discipline to get out bed, put on a jean skirt, and leave for the broadcast.  i showed up and sat with my friends but didn't talk to them.

the broadcast was great.  especially the talk from the second counselor.  but there were at least ten times my eyes were welling up with tears at the words i was hearing (pres eyring, might i remind you that there are many pregnant women in your audience and this one right here that was at six months pregnant to the day, didn't appreciate your story about your six month pregnant daughter having emergency surgery to deliver her child 15 weeks early.  the thought was nice though.) because i was touched but also because i was still so sad.  and after it was over?  still sad.  i felt so awkward as i tried to make conversation with people while i ate some amazing cheesecake.  cheesecake makes me happy but apparently not enough.  i went to bed sooo not looking forward to sunday but also so grateful for no meetings before church.

church was fine.  everything went well.  baby girl was well behaved during sacrament, i spent second hour discussing all the research one of my yw advisers has done for the trunk or treat (i could build a shrine to her right now that's how grateful i am that she's taken the ball on this one), and third hour i just sat back and listened as a member of the bishopric taught a lesson to the young men and young women since we were combined for 5th sunday.  the rest of sunday was also good.  german pancakes after church, naps, and honey's little brother, nate, came over to hang out for a while.  it would have been a fabulous day if i wasn't feeling so down.  it's just one of those things like when i woke up from my nap, i wasn't tired still, but i just didn't want to be awake.  and at 10 that night, i also wasn't tired, but i was just so eager to be asleep.

so i woke up this morning not excited about my day.  nothing planned but i knew we needed to get out.  we went to story time at the library and then hit up the dollar store and goodwill.  then baby girl watched thomas while i did some cleaning.  then we ate and baby went down for a nap and i did some more cleaning.  i write this down and think "what's so terrible?  this sounds exactly like one of your this-was-the-most-amazing-day-ever type of days!"

anyways, it's hard anytime you're struggling emotionally but i keep thinking back to the general relief society second counselor's talk and think "at least i wasn't that pioneer on the trail that lost her husband and only child within months of each other... or any of the other people placed in the horrific situations she described.  but somehow i'm still flawed and selfish enough to think, "BUT I"M STILL SAD!"

so as far as this pregnancy goes, physcially, i'm feeling my best.  emotionally, not so much.  how is it than i can go from being euphoric to super sad and no matter which one i'm feeling, the other feels a million miles away?!  tell me i'm not the only one that experiences this.

memories from atlanta

i'm so sad.  today colorado life felt like the norm.  i met up with friends at the park for a visiting teaching play date, went to costco and met up with more friends, and then did stuff around the house and for my calling during nap time.  then when honey came home, we hung out as a family... just like normal.  today it didn't feel like i should be waking up in georgia.  and it made me sad.

so before i forget, i'm going to use these few minutes before bed to write down a few things i want to remember.

when we arrived at the atlanta airport, i asked mom to hold abigail while i got her carseat hooked into the car.  two minutes later, as we were driving away i hear abigail whining from the backseat "i want grandma.  i want play grandma!"  ha, it was seriously obsession at first sight.  i know this is was our third trip to atlanta since may, but i wouldn't say abigail was obsessed and attached to my parents like this before.

baby girl also took an instant attachment to my sister, emmy.  to the point that the second night we were there, she woke up crying two hours after i'd put her down to bed (i think she either thought she'd just taken a nap or was scared that she didn't know where she was).  so i went up to her room to comfort her.  as i was holding her and trying to calm her fears her crying and sniffles went from just that to "i want emmy.  i want emmy" cries.  it was precious.  luckily, emmy was nearby and heard her cries.  she came running in, "did someone want aunt emmy?!?!"  baby girl still crying said "yeah" and lunged to em's outstretched arms.  it was all just hilarious and precious.

baby girl also couldn't get enough of my dad.  she asked about grandpa all day long and was so excited when he would get home from work in the evenings.  she also figured out that grandpa would do absolutely anything she asked for and never ever said no.  like seriously.  she also loved when my dad sang to her.  which brings me to my next point about her new favorite song.

baby girl's favorite song is now "sweet baby james."  my dad sings it with his guitar.  and without.  and it is wonderful both ways.  baby girl is obsessed and that is now my ultimate trump card when i need a sure fire bribe for her.  one day baby girl wasn't eating her lunch and she had tons of half eaten food on her tray.  i hate wasting food but knew it would be pointless and gross to save (bananas and gnawed on cheese don't seem to save well) so i tried a few unsuccessful bribes.  then i said "baby girl, if you eat your food all gone then grandpa will sing you sweet baby james!"  so then i got myself some milk and put away some stuff in the kitchen.  when i came back to where she was sitting in the breakfast room, she was on her last bite of banana.  i was shocked.  first that my bribe worked and she actually was eating her food, but second that she was inhaling it at such an alarming rate!  so i ran upstairs to my dad and asked if he could spare a moment to sing sweet baby james to baby girl.  it was awesome.  we've been back several days now and baby girl keeps begging, "i want grandpa sing baby james!"

she also keeps begging for grandma, emmy, and "iwanskyeunwill" which i need to get a video of because it's amusing the way she makes "skye and will" morphed together into something that sounds like just one syllable.

grandmas and old ladies are notorious for always having peppermints in their purses to hand out to small children at church... my mom is notorious for always having granola bars on her at all times.  baby girl learned this quickly and as a result, consumed several granola bars a day while we were visiting.  she insists on holding them herself and one time the fiber one oats and chocolate granola bar got all messy and melty so i told her she couldn't hold it anymore because it was yucky.  after that, normal granola bars were called "bars" and fiber one granola bars were called "yucky bars."  it's somewhat embarrassing in public when your child is loudly requesting yucky bars.  whoops.

in addition to granola bars, baby girl loved my mom's yogurt and granola.  she also ate a lot of string cheese and cashews.  but her favorite was "baby milk,"  which was just regular milk, given to her in an itty bitty cup. like half the size of a small dixie cup and maybe three times the size of a sacrament cup.  it came from a toy set i used to play with as a kid.  i feel like i spent half of the trip refilling that tiny little yellow cup over and over and over again.  now that i think of it, it's like the plastic version of a shot glass... just even smaller.

several times, baby girl requested to sleep in the twin bed in her room instead of in her pack n play.  so i let her.  all times ended with crying except for the last time when she just got out of bed and walked to the door where i was waiting on the other side.  i'm thinking she's not ready for a big bed yet.

baby girl loved the "baby rocking chair" and the "baby rocking chair horse" although honorable mentions go to that little record player toy because that was definitely a favorite as well.

k, i'm out of time but i think that takes care of most of the basics.  this goes down as one of my favorite trips ever.

ps- diana, i'm sorry i suck.  i swear i will call you back.  try not to hate me for being such a terrible friend.  but if you do anyways, i totally don't blame you for it.  xoxo.

emmy wore white

the party is over.  after my nephew's wonderful baby blessing this afternoon, everyone hung out for some lunch and then slowly the crowd dissipated, leaving just me and baby girl and my parents.  it was a very quiet evening.  mother is so relieved that everything is over and i'm so overwhelmed with how well everything went!

this weekend has been seriously sensational.  i can't remember the last time i had so much fun at a wedding.  maybe not ever.  although i am just over the moon excited for my dear sister, emmy.  i've dreamed and longed for her husband/wedding/fairy tale ending [beginning] far more than i ever did for my own.  there's a special sweetness that comes when you want and pray for something so diligently and for so long and then... it happens!  she's one of those people that is so truely magnificent that i would sing her praises even if i wasn't related to her.  she's gorgeous and talented and agreeable and everything else that is good.  she's always been the golden child of our family and i say that with no bitterness from the rest of us.  it's all been agreed upon.  she's so amazing that i have to admit i was worried that her equal didn't even exist.  the pickings get slimmer as the years go by, y'know.  sooo, i am so grateful for my emmy and that she met her match and had a beautiful day that she so deserved.

i can't wait for her to experience all of the beautiful days to come.

i am so exhausted

oh heavens.  i need my husband back.  and i need my body to not weigh so much.  i am far too early in this pregnancy to feel so so heavy.  like getting out of a chair and walking up the stairs?  i fee like i'm wearing a fifty pound weight vest.  not good.  also, last week i couldn't stop thinking about how i was sure i'd doubled in size.  well, at least my chest and my love handles and my belly.  well, thankfully no one has commented on my chest or love handles but i had two separate people at church straightforwardly give me a comment along the lines of "holy cow your stomach really popped out!  like i was just thinking how you barely looked pregnant and then now you look like this!"   i can't remember how they phrased it but it was basically "you doubled in size overnight!" except it wasn't offensive at all... just matter of fact.  and all i could say back was "I KNOW!  you're telling me!" because honestly it was nice to know that i'm not just the delusional pregnant person that thinks they're getting huge when in fact they are barely bigger.  my stomach really did experience a major growth spurt this past week.  and now i can also confirm this because i've outgrown half my closet in that space of time too.  jeans that i was fine buttoning a week ago are cutting into my sides and leaving red marks along what used to be my hips/waist.  i literally tried on at least 5 or 6 different church outfits last night of what i could wear today and although i could get stuff on, it was not a pretty sight.  not flattering or comfortable at all.  so i wore that old navy giant tent dress.  thank goodness i had that on hand.

here's the other way i know i'm getting big.  i've reached that point in pregnancy where people are constantly telling you how great you look.  like i look big and tired enough that people are like "man that girl needs help" so they compliment my appearance.  haven't you done this too?  you see a hugely pregnant woman and you can't resist telling them how amazing they look?  people did that to me all the time with abigail and i loved it.  soaked it up.  i didn't even care if they were genuine... i loved to hear nice things.  so when the first couple people told me how they liked my dress or how i looked cute today i was like "yeay!  they like my tent dress!" but then by the seventh or so person (yes, there really were that many) i was like "ummm, i think i probably just look so tired (i am) and flustered (i super was) and big (doubled in size) that i'm at that point in my pregnancy already where people are taking pity on me."  soooo tally them up:

one yw told me i tooked tired (i was on the verge of sweating from trucking around a toddler, heavy church bag, diaper bag, etc in heels and it was HOT.
two comments about how huge i'd gotten so fast.
at least five friends and several yw commenting on how much they loved by dress.  with one person specifically saying "i bet that isn't even maternity is it?"

yes, i'm big.  and yes, it actually is maternity.  in a size EXTRA LARGE.

things are not looking promising for the next four months.  but at least i have super nice friends, right?!

it's been a crazy busy day.

my child is so smart

but of course i'm partial.

first of all, i was listening to her sing to herself yesterday and today and i'm pretty sure she knows the entire abc song... even if parts of it are kind of unintelligible.

also, if you ask her how old she is, she will hold up two fingers!  she just learned this at her little baby school yesterday despite our best efforts to teach her this for the past two months).  sometimes it's a pointer finger from each hand and sometimes it's an attempt of two from the same hand.  the downside?  she always loudly and proudly exclaims that she's six.

what's your name?
abigail
how old are you?
[holding up two fingers]... SIX!!!!

fabulous.  i have no idea where she got this from.

and as far as colors go, i think she knows some but it's hard to tell because if you ever ask her what color something is, she will always tell you it's blue.  if you tell her it's wrong, then she'll tell you it's green.  i know she knows more colors because sometimes i'll try to put a white bow in her hair and she'll tell me that she wants a pink bow instead.  or some days she insists on a blue bow.  when i ask about shoes she'll tell me she wants her "white shoes" or her "pink lops" but when i say "what color are your white shoes?" the answer is always blue.  lately when i ask her the color of something she responds by saying "blue _____" with the name of the object.  what color is the dog?  blue dog.

with numbers, the answer is always two.  i think it's her favorite number because there's a 0-9 number puzzle at the library and she always runs to it, grabs the 2 and holds it up for me excitedly yelling "TWO!  IT'S A TWO!!!"  when i point to the number one and ask her what it is she says "I" so while we have a ways to go on numbers we are definitely improving on letters.  her favorite is A.  not sure if that's because it's the first letter of the alphabet or the first letter of her name or that it's just visually pleasing to her.  she also recognizes b pretty frequently when pointing to words but beyond that it's hard to know because she doesn't actually try on command.

other things i've noticed are that she sings along with a number of songs i would have never guessed she knew.  we had family home evening on monday night and while i couldn't hear her, i noticed she was mouthing a lot of the words.  in the bath tub the other night she was singing the tune of twinkle twinkle little star for at least five or seven minutes straight but with the words "pinkeye pinkeye little sun."  i tried to get a video of her singing along to this counting song that one of her toys plays but she stopped as soon as she saw me point the camera at her.

this is probably my very favorite age with kids.  i loooooove the 24-36 age because they're learning to talk and trying out social norms and stuff.  i've been so anxious for baby girl to get to this stage where she's starting to say funny things (like the other day when she asked christopher something and followed it up with a "kkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy?????") and stuff.  she puts lotion on her hands the way i do (rubbing my knuckles together so none gets on my palms) and on her legs the way i do too (putting her leg up on the ledge of the bathtub in our master bathroom) which is hilarious because it's such an awkward position for such a small body.

this past week i've just been so obsessed with everything she does, it's overwhelming.  if you hadn't noticed from the incessant blogging, i'm starting to get back that anxiety about life passing by too fast and not wanting to forget one little bit of it.

prenatal depression

ever since that egg episode saturday morning, i've been even more worried about becoming depressed again this pregnancy.  so i was reading a little about it online and came across this one article where one paragraph in particular stood out to me.

In her memoir Love Works Like This, the journalist and psychologist Lauren Slater talks about her bout with prenatal depression, and writes that a specialist once told her that there’s a correlation between women who react badly to the birth control pill and women who become depressed during pregnancy. It makes sense: During your first trimester, the doctor tells Slater, you are getting the progesterone equivalent of 400 birth control pills a day. By the time you give birth, you are ingesting the equivalent of 1,000 pills a day. I always hated the pill -- I tried several different kinds and they always made me excessively moody -- so had I known about the correlation, my misery might have been less of a shock, or even preventable.

ummm DING DING DING!  that's me!  that's exactly my story about reacting horribly to birth control pills and wishing i'd known the correlation between that and prenatal depression.  so then i realized that tomorrow i'll be 20 weeks along and couldn't remember when the depression came along last time so i started going through my archives and was blown away by this part of my 27 week post (although i even mentioned the week before in my 26 week post repeatedly crying for little to no reason at all).

What I miss:  1) walking/sitting/standing/doing anything without my pants falling down  2) being happy
Milestones: finishing the second trimester!  holy cow!Theme: the week of being depressedExtra:  i have far too many hormones.  i'm happy sometimes.  but the overall feeling is just sad, lethargic, and apathetic.  this week has really caused me to be worried about post-partum depression.  i have everything i've ever wanted and i'm feeling just plain crappy.  this week i've been crying at least once a day.  i am ultra irritable and i'm really scattered in my thoughts so it's hard to get anything done and regular things take me forever and leave me feeling dissatisfied and i constantly have an overall feeling of general anxiety because i feel like i'm in a cloud like in one flew over the cuckoos nest (or whatever that book was) and it's just terrible.  chris has been so wonderful and patient when i start crying for no reason and he's been so good about taking study breaks to check in with me and see how i'm doing and make sure i'm staying busy and involved in something.  but honestly, i just wish i was more emotionally stable so i could help him out when he gets stressed or whatever instead of him adding me to his already too long list of things to manage and take care of.  i could keep rambling forever about all of this but i'll just say i'm having flash backs of when i was engaged and had just started birth control and i had SERIOUS breakdowns more than once a day and i was horribly mean to chris and i have no idea why he didn't break off our engagement although i'm glad he didn't.  so yeah, my body can't handle caffeine and it can't handle hormones (and i would imagine i wouldn't hold alcohol well either).  wish me luck for future weeks of pregnancy.  but i have to say i'm loving every second of pregnancy.  just in case you were doubting.  chris sure does.

what i miss: being happy?  theme: the week of being depressed?  yikes.

but seriously, when i was on birth control i was having hysterical breakdowns DAILY and my friend sarah from tennessee can prove it because she once ran into me at the post office seconds after i'd just been screaming and throwing boxes (yes, apparently birth control hormones make you not care that you're in a jam packed public government building during your hissy-fit.  and i'm not joking that my honey almost broke of our engagement (although he will never admit this) because of all this craziness.

people talk about postpartum depression but you never hear about prenatal depression... until you're sitting in your doctor's office at 29 weeks pregnant simultaneously crying hysterically and attempting to convince your doctor that you don't need medication and therapy.  or was that just me?!

anyways, all of this is just for the purpose that maybe if i just write it down and am straightforward about my fears that they'll be less scary for me to face.  i think it's working... maybe.  time will tell... because according to last time, i've still got a few weeks of safety.  that being said, if you notice me spiraling out of control (it should be pretty obvious, i'm about as honest as can be on this blog) then just stay by my side and keep reminding me it's only temporary.  and to try extra hard to be nice to my husband and always let him have as many eggs as he wants.

*emmy, you are right that you were on the phone during that post office episode.  you were on the phone through a lot more than that though and i am still very appreciative of when you asked if i needed you to fly out to utah so you could help me out with life.

i had to rescue my child

sorry to leave you hanging on that last post.  paige, i swear i wasn't trying to be a tease!

baby girl takes long naps.  well, i don't know exactly how much is sleeping and how much is her just hanging out.  but when i put her in her crib for nap, she stays there for at least three hours, often longer.  when she wakes up she entertains herself and i can hear her laughing or singing or just banging her stuffed animals and sippy cup around in the crib.  eventually she gets bored and calls out for me to come get her.  if i happen to hear her crying before i ever hear her call for me, she either woke up on the wrong side of the bed and is going to be cranky, or something is wrong.  something is wrong could be anything from a poopy diaper to she unsuccessfully tried to take off her pj's and now they're stuck over her head or tangled around her legs.

so today i heard her crying and it had only been 2.5 hours.  but then the crying stopped.  and started again.  and stopped.  and started again.  i was so confused and couldn't figure out if she was trying to put herself back to sleep again or what the deal was.  i was literally standing at the bottom of the stairs, not knowing if i should run up and get her or let her just work it out on her own.

but my gut told me to get her.  i know i've mentioned before being an advocate for your child and this is what i mean when i say it about baby girl and myself.  i just felt like she needed me.  well, i was right.  i went in and she was lying on her back.  her leg had gotten stuck in the crib slats and she couldn't get it out.  it was stuck in a way that she couldn't sit up, roll over, or move at all without her leg hurting.  once i figured this out i set to work trying to free her knee but it was so tight and eventually i had to twist her leg and force it out.  i felt so bad for baby girl.  she didn't cry but my heart broke over and over again each time i heard her tell me "it hurt.  it hurt, mommy.  it hurt knee."  it was red on either side and i'm not gonna be surprised tomorrow morning if there are little baby bruises in those spots.

so all of this is to say that if your motherly instincts tell you to do something, pay attention and do it!  and also that, yes, we're having a boy.

i take it back

food doesn't taste good anymore.

jumping

all day long i hear "i wanna watch jumping!  i wanna watch jumping!"

why's that?  because baby girl is really into the olympics and her favorite sport so far seems to be synchronized diving.  she likes swimming events just fine i guess but often gets bored the second after everyone dives into the pool.  sooo, diving it is.  because she also thinks it's really cool when they go into the "baby pool" which, someone help me with this... is that a hot tub or just a small regular temperature pool?!

so we've been watching a whole ton of diving lately.  my two questions are this:  first, can those little swim speedos GET any smaller?!  and second, do you study the divers' faces while they're diving?

because i thought this was kinda funny.

ode to walmart

oh parker walmart how i love thee!  let me count the ways!

i love that when i went shopping today i had a huge long list of items and that i was in and out in less than an hour, even taking my time and enjoying the experience with baby girl.

i love that when i pulled up, there were tons of parking spaces available and i got the very closest one after the handicap spots.

i love that they have tons of brand new shopping carts and always have those antibacterial wipes ready for me.

i love that there is a helpful walmart worker around every corner so when i'm deciding which half and half to buy, i can look up and ask the walmart worker standing less than two feet from me, "the price label fell off of the rack, can you tell me how much this is?" as she automatically bends down with her scanner towards where i'm pointing.

i love that even when i pass walmart workers and don't have a question for them, they stop and make friendly banter with my child about if she's enjoying the sliced cheese she's munching on and then go on to tell me how beautiful and well behaved she is.

i love that the store is so well lit, the aisles so wide, and the products so easy to find.

i love that when i walk past the meat section i get yet another walmart worker to ask me if there's anything i need help with and then immediately help me locate the italian turkey sausage i would have never been able to find on my own.

i love that when i take my cart up to the front of the store, i seem to always immediately find a checkout with no line and a cashier that leaves their booth to come help me pull my cart to the counter as they ask me how my day is going.  the lady today eagerly spotted the reusable shopping bags in my cart and got them out and started setting them up while i unloaded my food onto the conveyor belt.  she asked me about my day, we chatted about the weather, and she praised my abundance of fruits and vegetables and healthy food choices, all while she ever so carefully put all of my groceries in the sacks.  when baby girl bumped her chin on the shopping cart handle, the cashier talked to her and comforted her while i signed my name and got my receipt.

and i love that when i walk away with my heavy cart of groceries, i can check my receipt and be surprised that it's more than $20 less than i was expecting it to be.  i prefer not to spend my time couponing or going store to store for the best deals on each item, so i love that i can hit up one single store and get such great deals on everything i need.  my time with baby girl is too important to me to experience a morning without fun.  when we go to walmart, she doesn't know we're running errands because she thinks it's just a fun outing.

and if a store can do all of that for me... i'm sold.  amen.

brownie cookies and my day

this afternoon i found this recipe to make so i'd have something delicious to bring to our young women pool party tonight.  it looked super easy and delicious.  well, the girls were all impressed but let me tell you... it was not easy.  the batter was so difficult to work with, even after i added more flour and tried putting it in the fridge to set a little.  who's made these before?!  cooking sarah, what did i do wrong?!

ps- i did a huge shopping trip today for the first time in over a month, so i have my recipes planned out and i'm so excited for a few new things i'm going to be trying.  cross your fingers it goes better than these cookies!

pps- today was an amazing day.  i don't know how, but the little every day things i experience bring me such joy and happiness.  today, baby girl slept in til after 10, we had a great breakfast, and were headed to the library by 10:30 to meet up with jodi and elle.  our massive grocery shopping trip at walmart afterwards only took an hour flat and it was simple and productive (just like i'd prayed it would be!) and my testimony was strengthened by that experience.  lunch time with baby girl was awesome while i put away groceries, and right when she was done, she requested a nap... 2:00... right on time!  i hung out, talked to my mom, made cookies, and got everything ready for the pool party.  baby girl was still sleeping (or at least hanging out quietly in her crib... who really knows?!) when i left at 6:00.  the pool party went great and when i got home i had the energy and motivation to put everything away and clean the kitchen while baby girl gobbled up cherry tomatoes, carrot sticks, broccoli, celery, and prunes.  yeay for the veggie platter leftovers providing a satisfying dinner for my baby!  although i should note that that prunes weren't part of the platter... they came from the fridge, because for some reason my kid thinks they are a special treat.  ha.  and tonight is the first night in over a month that i'm going to bed not sure what to do tomorrow.  between house guests, going out of town, girls camp, and more friends in town as well as random stuff like actually clean the house, do laundry, quilting, etc, i haven't felt on top of things in a long while.  sooo, while i still have plenty of stuff to do, nothing right now is marked "urgent" and i can breathe a little and maybe make a dent on my "would be nice to do" list.  life is good to me.

holiday crasher

i know it's july and it's early to start thinking about the holidays but i can't help it.  first, i blame pinterest for my eagerness for hot chocolate and all things pumpkin and cozy.  second,  i'm working on bracing myself for our first christmas at home as a little family.  we won't be traveling for the holidays this year.  in our five years of marriage we've been lucky enough to spend christmas and new years with either my family or honey's family and it's been awesome.  this year, we're going to be celebrating alone as a little family.  so i've been mentally bracing myself for that.  i'm going to have to make a bigger effort to always have christmas music on, make holiday treats, and actually go all out decorating our house with holiday stuff.  you see, it's going to be an important time for us because we're expecting a special holiday crasher.  a new family member is going to visit us.  actually, it's going to be a little baby.  and if it doesn't cry too much... we'll keep it for good.

my belly is round and my heart is full.  little baby hillier, i'm giddy with excitement for you to join our family.

service yields love

yesterday was a fabulous fun filled day with the turnages since they were in town visiting.  they came over around noon and we partied clear until after 9 when all of our kids needed to go to sleep.  by the end of the day, i was exhausted and our house was a wreck.  so while i took baby girl up to bed, honey cleaned the kitchen, including taking care of a massive pile of dishes that had been accumulating all week.  when i walked downstairs to my spotless kitchen i was overwhelmed with love for my sweet husband.  i've been slacking on our love journal lately and it has really shown in my increased irritability and under appreciation for my honey.  but today?  not the case.  every time i looked at my kitchen i knew my honey loved me and i knew i loved him.  i'm a non abstract sort of person when it comes to showing love and affection.  i need phone calls, texts, letters, and blatant "i love you so very much" professions of love.  and let me tell you that when it comes to the in-your-face, i-love-you-this-much facts... a clean kitchen is the ultimate trump card.  because as long as my kitchen is clean, all is right in the world.

including my marriage.


and on a somewhat related but not really too much note, baby girl started saying "honey" because she has picked up on the fact that that's what her parents call each other.  hearing "hello honey" out of her little baby mouth tonight... oh my goodness i about died.

when 20 days of journaling died

wednesday- almost cried as i drove 2 hours to girls camp.  got there and was fine.


thursday- girls camp is great.


friday- morning time: i love camp!  evening: "honey, please text me closeup pictures of baby girl"


saturday- home from girls camp!  shower and no nap.  family date night at casa bonita.  food sucked.  tattoos galore.


sunday- taught lesson at church (be changed for good), nap, dinner with honey's fam.


monday- broke my strict "no being productive during nap time" and did five loads of laundry and housework for 8 hours straight.  watched bachelorette with honey.  cut another knot out of baby's hair.


tuesday- pool with baby, nap, and finished up all the potato goodness i cooked up on sunday.  need to record my recipes since i made them up on the spot and i'm sure i won't remember them longterm.


wednesday- 4th of july!  eliches and old spaghetti factory with honey's fam.  jumbo crab ravioli with pesto alfredo sauce was to die for.  pretty sure my jeans won't fit tomorrow but it will have been worth it.

sooo happy fourth and don't give up on my blogging!

good things come to those who wait... right?!

more travel anxiety

tomorrow morning at 6:30am we're leaving for girls camp.  this is so sad for me to admit but i would give anything not to go.  my appetite has been super weird lately and the heat and altitude has been giving me bad headaches and making me faint/dizzy every time i stand up.  but that's not really it.  because, i mean, i really really really loved girls camp when i was a kid.  i probably loved it more than any other girl there but this time it's not the same.  why?  because i have a kid and a husband now.  but mostly because i have a kid now.  i hate leaving her, even for date nights.  my time is much happier and more enjoyable when she's with me.  i love nap time as much as the next person but aside from that, i don't ever feel like i need a "break" from her.  so my biggest reason for not wanting to go to camp is actually that i'm going to have to be away from my baby.

i spent the whole night with her since my christopher spent the night in bed trying to rest off a headache.  i hugged her and kissed her as much as i could.  we played dress up, alphabet blocks, drug dog cards, a bunch of new toys from liza, and a million other things.  and then it was time for bath and bed.  after we prayed i held her in my arms and told her how much i love her and that i'm going bye bye tomorrow and will be gone for a few days while she plays with her friends and daddy and grandma, grandpa, and uncle nate.  she was excited about seeing uncle nate.  i told her i'd be back soon and then we could play some more and that i would miss her while i'm gone.  i cherished holding that little body in my arms and fought back tears as i mourned the hours and days ahead that i would miss spending with her.  i laid her in her crib and told her goodnight.

then i went straight downstairs to my laptop, opened up my blog, and scrolled through post after post after post of pictures and stories about her.  i left her for ten days when we went to dubai.  four days while we were in napa.  and this will only be four days while i'm at camp.  i won't lie... dubai was really hard.  but napa was not as bad.  and this?  well, my heart is breaking.  and my tears are spilling.

i know she won't even notice or care that i'm gone.  i am 100% not at all worried about her.  i am 10000000% worried about myself.  i know i say it jokingly quite a bit but i am absolutely and completely sincere when i ask you this time to please please pray for me.  specifically that my heart won't hurt so bad and also that none of my girls will see their young women president crying in her tent because she wants to go home.

and now i just need to dry my eyes, suck it up, and pack my bags.  but really, please pray for me while i'm gone.  i would really appreciate it.